It’s a feeling of someone leaving you alone in a battle, in the middle of a desert, of leaving you on your own without any warning or reminder.
I have felt betrayed too many times and mostly by friends. But to think of it why does it feel so harsh to me, even the smallest of things, mostly the small things. A friend not turning up when she promised and knew I was counting on it, a boyfriend telling me I am being mean when I say unfriendly words about those who are troubling me, a mother asking me too many questions about how the other girl in my house is and how she is doing, more than she asks about me, a mother enjoying the evening tea with the other girls in the house while I am at work slogging my ass so I can keep the job that brings money to support her.
I feel betrayed each time my feelings are hurt, each time I feel I am not supported or cared about, each and every time when someone else is given the attention and love that I deserve.
Am I being too sensitive? If I think of it now, I cannot be true to a relation with all my heart and emotions and yet not be sensitive about these things. It feels bad. Probably because its worth a lot to me.
Is it normal to feel so hurt? Always? every single time?
When someone is not able to be there for me or care for me, why do I take it as something flawed in our relation? Maybe I blame myself for not being good enough that the other person would take time and care for my feelings. But it is not true I know! I care for people and make them happy. I keep my promises, I keep special place for important people.
Maybe that is what I do wrong. treat the people I feel close to more specially and lovingly. But how could I not?
Is my expecting love and care and importance in their life such a big deal! Is it wrong?
I feel hurt today again! Its the boyfriend this time. Yes I did bitch about the housemates because they were troubling me with petty things… Yes I said mean words about them, but I need to express my anger, he should know this by now and if he is going to judge me on this then it is not something that makes me comfortable. I am not saying agree to all I say, but atleast understand the situation I am in and where this anger is coming from. Instead he said I am being bad. The immediate feeling I got was he was not on my side.
I get this from my mom, when someone opposes me, I think they are taking the other side, the opposite to me side.
It is one thing to correct me but another to make me feel like a bad person. Yes I will vent when I am angry and I was say mean things. If I am so bad then leave me. I can live alone. I will survive.
It may not be logical but these emotions hit me so hard, the make me question eveything in the relationship to the point of questioning if continuing this relationship is worth or not.
Betrayal comes with hurt and pain to me, and even worse is my power to heal the wound is becoming less and less.
I will chant to know the answers. I will chant to know why I feel so hurt. Why I suffer the pain from someone else’s actions?
I am really excited! So many good things are happening. V is moving to Netherlands and we will live together! OMG! This was the plan and wish all along. Although I had mentally prepared myself to move to Norway and it was all in talks and I gave a final date to my employer too, but they were so insisting on keeping me here, that they asked if we bring V here will you stay? I said yes! Somehow I had this intuition that we will live together here.
And now next week V will start the visa process. I can’ t tell how exciting this is. I have chanted so much for this, prayed for this since I came here and now after 1 and half year we will live together.
I can’t wait to live with him. I miss him so much and to be able to see him everyday that will be sooo nice.
It makes me realize how much we want to be with each other, leaving our jobs(in a way), figuring how to be together. It does count a lot! I don’t give it much thought but we are pretty serious and in it for good.
Although the thought of marriage is still not comfortable to me and there is a lot of pressure from my mom, but I am not ready. When I will be I will be.
I am excited and praying everything goes well and Jan2015, we will move in together. Awww!! The thought itself is so nice I can’t stop smiling.
It will be a new phase and I have already started dreaming of it. No, literally! Yesterday I was dreaming about what kind of house we will take.
Cheers to hopes and dreams! If you truly want and it work towards it they do come true. :)
I was feeling so low yesterday. The move thing is taking a toll on my nerves and broke down into tears in office 2 times. Its just that if this doesn’t work out then I don’t know what next. And this is a problem coz so many thing are dependent on this, especially my responsibilities. I felt guilty, fear and then more fear.
But I know fear is an illusion. We have to ready for everything that life bring and at the same time be hopeful and courageous for our dreams and desires.
I felt the need to chant. I went to chant with a young women member and it was so nice. Chanting in front of the scroll made me feel strong and realize I have fought so much with so much courage and now I need to use the same strength within me and fight this situation. I also realized I will become a member, right now I chant to a blank wall, but once you are a member you get the scroll with Japanese inscription on it and you can chant to it. This is a big step, because you accept it for life. Through all your high’s and low’s. It’s there with you and you can’t ignore it or anything. It’s a life saver but also a responsibility to yourself to take care of it. I was being pushed to take it when my mom was here, but I didn’t feel like it, it didn’t come from my heart, so I didn’t.
But now I feel I want to take it. It’s a good practice, it makes you a better person, helps you meet and get inspired from other people. So Why not!
I also realized I have to solve my difference with my former friend P. It is not nice to have this negative vibe around. I was suggested to chant to be in higher life state before I talk to her, that way I will be able to be compassionate even though I feel hurt by her.
Another great thing came from the chanting and meeting this member is, she suggested I keep a goal I want to achieve before I receive the scroll, which is perfect, because going to Oslo and live with V working out is one of the biggest challenge I am facing now, and this is the perfect goal to chant for before I get the scroll. It’s almost as big a challenge as big the decision to take the scroll.
I think I will be practicing Buddhist after I receive the scroll. And that is planned for 2nd Sunday of October.
I celebrated my 29th birthday in Italy! Isn’t that amazing! To me it was. We has a 4 days Italy vacation and oh it was so nice.The last time I visited Italy was with mom and brother and I definitely felt like I wanted to come again, with V especially. And we were there. So another wish come true. :)
We went to Rome, Florence and Pisa. It was a nice trip. A nice birthday. Except we ended the trip with an argument. Well, I think it’s ok if we have different opinions and I know I like to discuss things out, even if we dont agree. But V does not. He keeps his thoughts and opinions to himself and he expects me to do the same. It was something about his sister and brother-in-law and he got so offended. He later told I should not interfere or if I dont agree with something I should not say it again and again. Well, if the same topic comes, I will say it. I am not a stupid mindless person, I have a thought process and I am free to express myself. I don’t know why V thinks its a personal attack.
Well, we didn’t talk much after dinner on the last day and quietly went to bed. Woke up early ran to catch our bus to airport, different ones and that was that.
I spoke to him yesterday about it, he said I get too aggressive and try to push him to make a change, I never do! I only express how I feel and maybe yes I am a bit aggressive about it. Anyways! He also said that he never interferes when I share something about my family, well if saying how you feel about it is interfering then damn well he should do it. I don’t know. Something put me so off about this whole thing. He doesn’t share about his family much and I share every single bit.
I am moving in with him and leaving my job and comfort here. I don’t want to doubt my decision but if he is not as involved as I am then is it worth it?
Well, the thing is he is very good with me, just me and him. But as soon as his family or other people come into picture he becomes this person who I don’t know very well.
It seems like we are talking about more serious stuff now or maybe getting involved a lot more than just fun. That is the idea to move in and stay together right.
Just that I keep feeling a hitch that what if it isn’t everything I want it to be. Sometimes I feel he is very away, not selfish, but makes his decisions based on his thoughts without me in consideration.
I have been here before, involved with a guy, molding my life to be with him, putting too much of myself into it, and then if it isn’t everything I want, it a shatter.
I need to be careful. We are good. Very good. But I need to keep my interests in mind. The job change is a big risk for me. And that is as far as I will go. I will not compromise my career or responsibilities. I need to remember this.
Well… its too much to think about. But then I can’t wait to live with V. I’m hoping all turns out well.
Also my moving date may go ahead to mid Nov, but that is alright.
Pray for me!
Finally! I spoke to my office guys and said I want to leave in Oct end. What I didn’t tell him was that there is a offer in Norway. I told him I’m settling down and need to go. Obviously he told me this is too soon and cannot happen. I told him I might have to leave. He was pretty pressed that we need more time atleast till end of year. I was like I can only try but it may be that that cannot happen.
OMG! I can’t believe it is going to happen. I am moving!
Well, he hasn’t given a definitive YES and nothing is on paper, but, but I feel pretty good about it. He said they need time to identify a person, get the customer to agree, get the visa done. I said what if we find someone here? Well that would be the lucky case he said. I said I can transition to my best capability and get the person on board and ready.
He said there are lot of assumptions here and we need to see and speak to my team head, who is back on Monday.
I asked around and I have already found a person who is going back and I told him to get his stay extended for 1 month and in that 1 month I can get him up to speed here.
Wow! I can’t believe it is working out! I chanted for this. I am sooo happy!
I have a feeling it is going to work out.
Monday I will tell them that I cant extend longer than Oct end and I have found a person who is here and I can start transitioning asap.
Cross my fingers it all works out as I want!! I know it will … but still pray for me.
We all have a wishlist, about how we want our lives to feel, how we feel it should be etc. And in that list, we have very important goals and ambitions and few vain little wishes.
They are not that important or major things, but just few things that nobody else gets why its even there.
For me… I realized today:
I want to be with a man who has his life sorted. Like his home, his car, his savings. Who is there. Comfortable. Settled.
It’s silly I know, these things are build not kept reserved or something. And V will build it up, but I don’t want the struggling person. I want the comfortable and already there guy.
I want the comforts, of not having to check my savings every month, knowing there is enough, of living in a nice home that I know I don’t have to move out of one day, of being relaxed and not worrying about how much our next holiday will cost and burden us. I know it seems superficial, but its ok. I want my man to be solid and secure in finances. Maybe I have struggled so much that I want to enjoy the luxuries. Maybe everyone wants to. It’s funny how I say ‘my man’. :)
If we are both struggling and building things, it will be such a hard thing. And ofcourse money always makes so many fights appear and disappear. But that is not why I felt it. I felt the ease of it. The realization came from being comfortable and not from working on the logic of it.
Of course this is not the thing that is my priority. But its a silly thing and I just realized it today. Love and care are far more important to me. And I’m glad I know that.
So much to our silly little hearts that wish for so much more and then such little things too.
My dear Readers,
I haven’t heard from you in so long!
I keep posting my thoughts and my life and my troubles and all sorts of stuff that you may not want to read at times. But please do share your opinions with me. They are most welcome.
Hope to hear from you soon!
P.S : No Idea what tags and category this should go under.