I was feeling so low yesterday. The move thing is taking a toll on my nerves and broke down into tears in office 2 times. Its just that if this doesn’t work out then I don’t know what next. And this is a problem coz so many thing are dependent on this, especially my responsibilities. I felt guilty, fear and then more fear.
But I know fear is an illusion. We have to ready for everything that life bring and at the same time be hopeful and courageous for our dreams and desires.
I felt the need to chant. I went to chant with a young women member and it was so nice. Chanting in front of the scroll made me feel strong and realize I have fought so much with so much courage and now I need to use the same strength within me and fight this situation. I also realized I will become a member, right now I chant to a blank wall, but once you are a member you get the scroll with Japanese inscription on it and you can chant to it. This is a big step, because you accept it for life. Through all your high’s and low’s. It’s there with you and you can’t ignore it or anything. It’s a life saver but also a responsibility to yourself to take care of it. I was being pushed to take it when my mom was here, but I didn’t feel like it, it didn’t come from my heart, so I didn’t.
But now I feel I want to take it. It’s a good practice, it makes you a better person, helps you meet and get inspired from other people. So Why not!
I also realized I have to solve my difference with my former friend P. It is not nice to have this negative vibe around. I was suggested to chant to be in higher life state before I talk to her, that way I will be able to be compassionate even though I feel hurt by her.
Another great thing came from the chanting and meeting this member is, she suggested I keep a goal I want to achieve before I receive the scroll, which is perfect, because going to Oslo and live with V working out is one of the biggest challenge I am facing now, and this is the perfect goal to chant for before I get the scroll. It’s almost as big a challenge as big the decision to take the scroll.
I think I will be practicing Buddhist after I receive the scroll. And that is planned for 2nd Sunday of October.
I celebrated my 29th birthday in Italy! Isn’t that amazing! To me it was. We has a 4 days Italy vacation and oh it was so nice.The last time I visited Italy was with mom and brother and I definitely felt like I wanted to come again, with V especially. And we were there. So another wish come true. :)
We went to Rome, Florence and Pisa. It was a nice trip. A nice birthday. Except we ended the trip with an argument. Well, I think it’s ok if we have different opinions and I know I like to discuss things out, even if we dont agree. But V does not. He keeps his thoughts and opinions to himself and he expects me to do the same. It was something about his sister and brother-in-law and he got so offended. He later told I should not interfere or if I dont agree with something I should not say it again and again. Well, if the same topic comes, I will say it. I am not a stupid mindless person, I have a thought process and I am free to express myself. I don’t know why V thinks its a personal attack.
Well, we didn’t talk much after dinner on the last day and quietly went to bed. Woke up early ran to catch our bus to airport, different ones and that was that.
I spoke to him yesterday about it, he said I get too aggressive and try to push him to make a change, I never do! I only express how I feel and maybe yes I am a bit aggressive about it. Anyways! He also said that he never interferes when I share something about my family, well if saying how you feel about it is interfering then damn well he should do it. I don’t know. Something put me so off about this whole thing. He doesn’t share about his family much and I share every single bit.
I am moving in with him and leaving my job and comfort here. I don’t want to doubt my decision but if he is not as involved as I am then is it worth it?
Well, the thing is he is very good with me, just me and him. But as soon as his family or other people come into picture he becomes this person who I don’t know very well.
It seems like we are talking about more serious stuff now or maybe getting involved a lot more than just fun. That is the idea to move in and stay together right.
Just that I keep feeling a hitch that what if it isn’t everything I want it to be. Sometimes I feel he is very away, not selfish, but makes his decisions based on his thoughts without me in consideration.
I have been here before, involved with a guy, molding my life to be with him, putting too much of myself into it, and then if it isn’t everything I want, it a shatter.
I need to be careful. We are good. Very good. But I need to keep my interests in mind. The job change is a big risk for me. And that is as far as I will go. I will not compromise my career or responsibilities. I need to remember this.
Well… its too much to think about. But then I can’t wait to live with V. I’m hoping all turns out well.
Also my moving date may go ahead to mid Nov, but that is alright.
Pray for me!
Finally! I spoke to my office guys and said I want to leave in Oct end. What I didn’t tell him was that there is a offer in Norway. I told him I’m settling down and need to go. Obviously he told me this is too soon and cannot happen. I told him I might have to leave. He was pretty pressed that we need more time atleast till end of year. I was like I can only try but it may be that that cannot happen.
OMG! I can’t believe it is going to happen. I am moving!
Well, he hasn’t given a definitive YES and nothing is on paper, but, but I feel pretty good about it. He said they need time to identify a person, get the customer to agree, get the visa done. I said what if we find someone here? Well that would be the lucky case he said. I said I can transition to my best capability and get the person on board and ready.
He said there are lot of assumptions here and we need to see and speak to my team head, who is back on Monday.
I asked around and I have already found a person who is going back and I told him to get his stay extended for 1 month and in that 1 month I can get him up to speed here.
Wow! I can’t believe it is working out! I chanted for this. I am sooo happy!
I have a feeling it is going to work out.
Monday I will tell them that I cant extend longer than Oct end and I have found a person who is here and I can start transitioning asap.
Cross my fingers it all works out as I want!! I know it will … but still pray for me.
We all have a wishlist, about how we want our lives to feel, how we feel it should be etc. And in that list, we have very important goals and ambitions and few vain little wishes.
They are not that important or major things, but just few things that nobody else gets why its even there.
For me… I realized today:
I want to be with a man who has his life sorted. Like his home, his car, his savings. Who is there. Comfortable. Settled.
It’s silly I know, these things are build not kept reserved or something. And V will build it up, but I don’t want the struggling person. I want the comfortable and already there guy.
I want the comforts, of not having to check my savings every month, knowing there is enough, of living in a nice home that I know I don’t have to move out of one day, of being relaxed and not worrying about how much our next holiday will cost and burden us. I know it seems superficial, but its ok. I want my man to be solid and secure in finances. Maybe I have struggled so much that I want to enjoy the luxuries. Maybe everyone wants to. It’s funny how I say ‘my man’. :)
If we are both struggling and building things, it will be such a hard thing. And ofcourse money always makes so many fights appear and disappear. But that is not why I felt it. I felt the ease of it. The realization came from being comfortable and not from working on the logic of it.
Of course this is not the thing that is my priority. But its a silly thing and I just realized it today. Love and care are far more important to me. And I’m glad I know that.
So much to our silly little hearts that wish for so much more and then such little things too.
My dear Readers,
I haven’t heard from you in so long!
I keep posting my thoughts and my life and my troubles and all sorts of stuff that you may not want to read at times. But please do share your opinions with me. They are most welcome.
Hope to hear from you soon!
P.S : No Idea what tags and category this should go under.
Too many things to do and too many decisions make me very very anxious. I spoke to V yesterday and turns out there is a job opening at his location but it is for October end. Immediately my mind began to run away with idea on how I will convince my boss here to let me go and what all I need to do. It’s not nice, its going to be difficult to get away from here and also I hear so much negative about situation there that for a moment I hesitate going there.
I want to be with him. I do. But I want to also work in peaceful environment. But I guess if the choice comes I will opt for living with him.
Also, we thought I will tell them now itself that I need release in December and then January I would move there. Phew!
My head is spinning now. It literally has been too for 2-3 months now, everytime I sit up after lying down, and the doctor says some fluid in my ear has gotten thick and it will be ok by itself. Anyhow, this is nice, but I am still confused, how much should I push for this?
Also, I feel awefull today, my body image confidence is going down, I feel fat and stuffed and still want to eat yummy things like chocolate. I already ate a muffin already.
This is not good. I have to go for 30k tomorrow and I’m like blah! I have to eat pasta and I’m so tensed about this. The 30k, the 35k and finally the 42k. Damned! I’m running so much and yet I dont look the part. I hate it!!!!!
Maybe I will feel better after the 30k tomorrow, not physicallly ofcourse but maybe I will feel thin or atleast not-fat.
I can’t believe I brought myself to this point. I clearly remember the days when I was so happy to feel thin and enjoy what I saw in the mirror, with clothes on atleast.
I was aiming bikini body and now I aim fit into my dress (which was loose before).
I just can’t believe it. And with all this running I can’t even get to the gym. I hateee it!
Just having a bad day I guess! I hope by next time I am better.
After that violent and angry post, I went home and surprisingly I was not so angry. I did remember that 90% of the conflicts are in my mind itself, I sometimes start avoiding someone or situation so much and it creates a very nasty imagine in my mind. Reality however may be different.
I have experienced this before when I get super offensive and think everyone/the person I hate at that moment, does everything only to hurt me. I know its not true.
So when I went home I change my clothes, unpacked and relaxed, put my dirty clothes in washer, made myself a snack and ginger tea and then skyped V. We talked and I missed him so so much. He is such a darling. So loving and caring, I couldn’t ask for more. He is such a good person and so honest, I am so grateful to have him in my life. He supports me and is there for me always.
Anyways, after the much loved talks I watched Devious Maids season 1, it is quite fun and I enjoyed it. Watched a few episodes and I was feeling relaxed. Somehow my focus had moved away from the negative tension between me and the flatmates. I was calm. My roommate, who used to be a good friend, was lying in bed so I asked if she was ok and needed something. I offered to get her dinner plate from the kitchen and she said she was fine and will eat in sometime. So there I was kind too! Me ! kind! wow!
I need to do more of that.
When people treat you badly then turn around and be your best and kindest to them.
I felt peace with whatever the situation. I am moving out because it dosent suit me anymore and I dont expect anything from them.
The next day at work, I got reply from another place I was waiting on and I confirmed the place. I even get a separate room, so now V can come and stay also.
Sometimes, all you need is time I guess. To heal that hurt, to accept that you trusted someone more than you should, that it’s ok if you found the person dosen’t consider you as much as you consider them. It’s ok. It’s life. You accept and move on.
So Cheers to moving on! To acceptance and getting rid of anger and hurt!