My experiences in this new phase of my life

I love these days

It’s one of those days, where you have sweet dreams and you wake up softly and gently with a smile and feel happy to the core and can’t stop smiling. It’s the feeling I have when I think about V and me living together, when I think about how sweet and loving he is and how blessed I am to have him in my life.

I can’t stop smiling as I type right now. :)

Coming back to the concept of ”law of attraction” I am going to keep this lovely feeling with me as much as possible. Think about us living together and being so happy. I am going to feel that happiness that I know is coming my way, even though it is not the present situation. Energy flows where attention goes!

I know I think that I may have to make tuff decisions in the future about my career options, where I get my project and all, but I am going to erase those thoughts, those worries, those negative emotions.

I am going to believe, that V and I will live together, while we both get the perfect job opportunities. It will all work out itself perfectly in time and not require us to be apart at all. I truely want this, then why think anything different right!

I am so excited! Best of things are going to come my way, bigger dreams are going to be fullfilled, so much more is coming up and I am ready. Life is beautiful and everything I want is within my reach. Sense the enthusiams in my words.. :)

 

Thank you God, thank you universe for this life, my family, V, my job and everything else around me. I am blessed!

Happy thinking to all!

Alone again

 

My brother and mom have left and I am left to live by myself again. Almost alone, exception of the house mates.

The last 3 months were crazy, I was tired, exhausted, had no routine, I was either travelling or planning the travels, I was not eating anything healthy and I was not working out. I was working at office and later dealing with family on evenings. It was chaotic!

However, we did enjoy the travels. Mostly!

Was I a good host? Well, I have drained my savings,totally lost my routine and gave them all my time and I also showed them around as much as I could. But still I feel I was not a good host. :(

I had a couple of arguments with my mom, I felt like she did not appreciate my efforts and also she was more interested in spending time with other people rather than me.

It was very hurtful, but I know sometimes I demand more attention. Well all said and done its over.

I look forward to getting back on my marathon training plan and becoming a fit person again.

It is more important to me than ever. This is a goal I made and I want to do everything in my power to achieve it.

I will.

Apart from that on my mind is, meeting V as much as possible as i miss him like hell, saving money as I am drained now and learning how to be social without keeping any expectations.

 

Also I want to chant regularly and attend meetings.

I wonder if I will ever be able to live around so many people, like in a family, coz this time it totally ruined my rythmn of life and I was so lost. Maybe there was the pressure of doing so much in short span of time.

Only time will tell right! As of today I am soo grateful and happy that my dream of having my family here has come true! Thank u god! Thank u universe!

 

Insecurity

The recent events in my life are making me think about my behavior pattern. How I react and how valid are those reactions. When I get upset with someone about  something they said/did not say, did or did not do, I shut myself up. I bear the anger in silence. Ofcourse it reflects on the outside too. But instead of expressing myself I take a very self harming way of suffering, as if it was my fault while it may be the other person’s fault or even difference in opinion or wrong expectations.

I have always done this. Time and again. I can remember even a a child when I something upset me I would go into this dark place of lonliness and sadness. I would not speak to anyone or eat. Others kept probing me about what happened and why I’m upset but I would be so angry on inside, buring to fumes and yet all I expressed was silence. Like it would make the other person understand how I felt. But it rarely did. All they saw was confusion and somehow they would guess and find what the reason was and try to correct it or make me understand why they said/did so and then I would calm down.

I don’t think this behavior is healthy. I feel a concern for my peace of mind and also my happiness.

How can I be like this? I still am. I still behave like this, in silence, in anger, becoming so hurt and so lonely. I surround myself with it, drown in it.

I am a sensible person, an adult (ya I have crossed over youth group of 26years also!!) and still I behave like a child.

Why?

When do I do this?

When I feel hurt.When I feel the other person has wronged me.

I tend to spoil things further from this point.

But deep inside I think I am very insecure. I do this when I don’t get the attention I think I should, or when V or my mom pay more attention to someone else.

But why am I insecure. I am a nice person. How people behave with others does not change how they feel about me.

I have to learn this lesson. I have to!

The fact that I realize this behavior is not healthy is itself and example of how I want to improve my lifestate. I have wanted to be a compassionate person. But I usually end up being a mean person, to the people who hurt me, or I think have hurt me.

I have to learn to accept difference in opinion and how every action is not centered around my importance or value.

Also, I need to disconnect myself from other a little bit. I need to keep less expectations. I can only be in control of my actions, others and their actions are not my problem. So I should accept that I cannot give this power to others, to let their actions drive my state of mind. I have changed my attitude once, with my supervisor (what a victory that was! ) and I can do it again.

As a start, I will improve my behavior with this housemate P. I will not be angry anymore and accept that we are not as good friends as I thought and I need to keep my own peace of mind and not let her actions change my state of mind. It will be hard for me. To be nice to her but I will do it. Also, I will no longer be angry with my mom for mingling with P, even though I was fighting with P because of my mom. It is her decision to talk/not talk and I will not interfere with that. Just like I expect her to respect my decision I will respect hers, even if I don’t completely agree with it.

I will be polite to her and not rude. I expected a certain behavior from her but she thinks otherwise. I will accept it and move on.

I need to learn to keep my distance from people and not expect anything from them.

Same for S, she also hurt me by saying she will come to visit my mom, but she is so busy and the other day she was out with friends enjoying but she didn’t have time to visit me. This hurt me and I reacted exactly like I always do, gave her a cold shoulder. I will change that. I will let her know my availability so that she can plan accordingly if she wants. If not, then I will be ok with it.

Expectations from others, really is that the root cause of my feeling hurt?

But I am proud that I am growing as person and learning and attempting to improve.

Cheers to improving!

 

 

What I miss..

I miss the sweet little activities I used to do in school. Make a nice picture book, doing some drawings, decorating my room, being innovative.

I used to love all these and how simple these things are right. They take no money or extra resources, just a paper and a pencil and I used to be so happy. That was pure unadultrated joy.

The same I feel about dance, although it did cost to go to class, but the feeling was so good.

I would love to make time for myself to feel this joy. Ofcourse I spend time for myself with gym and running andstuff, but this would be to feel happiness.

So this weekend, a drawing book and pencils are on my list. Maybe I will share a few here as well. :)

Find time for your joy!!

Too much and Too many times

Have you ever been through the same experiences many times and everytime felt the same feelings. I have. And everytime I think there is something to learn from this but the next time again I see myself being so frustated with it all.

Too many thoughts in my head right now and if I don’t put them down I will explode.

Why do people and their actions bother me so much? Why do I expect them to behave a certain way, which is polite and helping? Why does it get on my nerves when I am all helpful for some person and inreturn I get coldness and selfish behavior.

My mom is visiting and I would have liked to have the room for me and her. I and this girl P were sharing the room. Obviously if her mom were visiting I would quietly leave them the room and take the spare bed. But no, she is glued to her bed and started acting all weird and oh I cant sleep there, first she made excuse the airbed was not comfy, then now she has excuse of her studies and that another girl will get to know about it.

I don’t get it, why do people hide stuff and are scared, and secondly how selfish is that. 

I should be ok with this and take it as people not being helpful, but no, it bothers me. It makes my friendship with her bitter. It feels like this person has no concern for me and how can I call her my friend.

I don’t like to feel all these negative emotions. No body does I am sure. But how do I become neutral to it all.

Well, I have become neutral to my college pal S, I don’t feel hur or bad if she does not come when promised or when she doesnt keep in touch much. Maybe I have accepted that in her.

Do all friendships work like this, you accept the nature of the other person, even if it is selfishness? then how can you still remain friends? then this girl will be same to me as someone I am not friends with.

I feel not good but I am sure she is just fine. So I am the only person who feels the agony. So is there something I can change in my perspective to not let this affect me so much.

Damn! sometimes I think I need a shrink to talk about all this to.

 

Also, is it normal to keep looking at your ex”s facebook pics and more like tracking his pics ? I do that a lot and I’m thinking if it’s same for everyone else also??

What I know now…

I asked for clarity, to know what I want. I don’t know it all but I do know what I want in my relationship with V.  I want to live with him. I want to stay with him and not away from him, missing him and wishing to be with him.

It’s exhausting and tiring and also does not feel like a real relationship. I thought meeting once a month would be nice, it would become a relationship, but now I see it is not. I waited for so long for him to be here and to again start waiting to be see him each month is too much.

I am so happy that I know what I want. After this project is over I will move to Norway with him.

I’m sure if he would have suggested the same without me realizing I want this, I would have resisted it so much.

It will be so nice to be together. I really miss him a lot and I’m tired of missing him.

This will  not mean I have forgotten my responsibilites, I will still fulfill all my duties towards my family, but I don’t have to be miserable while I do them.

happy realizations right!! :))

Time management!

I am so bad at this. Every time I try to organise things and be prepared and just at the last minute I will be running to be on time or get things done. It’s not because I am lazy or stupid, but just that I get overwhelmed and it stops me from doing things in the pace or I should or I stop all at once until I become calm.

Somthing like that has been happening with me since my mom and brother are here. I am not getting enough sleep , I am not working out, I am not talking to V enough and obviously he thinks I am neglecting him and then I feel so overwhelmed all the time.

It is not good at all. Yes I am travelling to beautiful places and everything, but I am also getting tired and feeling so unsettled.

My brother has left for India and today I will get back to gym. I hope I manage it better this time.

Also with V, he starts feeling very alone if we dont talk much and it makes me feel guilty. I am still not sure he wants to be away from his family and I feel he is neglecting his feelings because of me, I don’t want that.

 

Everyone keeps telling me to settle down, get married, he”s a great guy and all, I know he is great and caring and loving, but why am I not sure of it. Is it too overwhelming of a thought? Or am I not listening to what I feel truely.

Well, those are the worries of tomorrow. Today I go back to gym and feel great! :)

 


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