My experiences in this new phase of my life

Too much and Too many times

Have you ever been through the same experiences many times and everytime felt the same feelings. I have. And everytime I think there is something to learn from this but the next time again I see myself being so frustated with it all.

Too many thoughts in my head right now and if I don’t put them down I will explode.

Why do people and their actions bother me so much? Why do I expect them to behave a certain way, which is polite and helping? Why does it get on my nerves when I am all helpful for some person and inreturn I get coldness and selfish behavior.

My mom is visiting and I would have liked to have the room for me and her. I and this girl P were sharing the room. Obviously if her mom were visiting I would quietly leave them the room and take the spare bed. But no, she is glued to her bed and started acting all weird and oh I cant sleep there, first she made excuse the airbed was not comfy, then now she has excuse of her studies and that another girl will get to know about it.

I don’t get it, why do people hide stuff and are scared, and secondly how selfish is that. 

I should be ok with this and take it as people not being helpful, but no, it bothers me. It makes my friendship with her bitter. It feels like this person has no concern for me and how can I call her my friend.

I don’t like to feel all these negative emotions. No body does I am sure. But how do I become neutral to it all.

Well, I have become neutral to my college pal S, I don’t feel hur or bad if she does not come when promised or when she doesnt keep in touch much. Maybe I have accepted that in her.

Do all friendships work like this, you accept the nature of the other person, even if it is selfishness? then how can you still remain friends? then this girl will be same to me as someone I am not friends with.

I feel not good but I am sure she is just fine. So I am the only person who feels the agony. So is there something I can change in my perspective to not let this affect me so much.

Damn! sometimes I think I need a shrink to talk about all this to.

 

Also, is it normal to keep looking at your ex”s facebook pics and more like tracking his pics ? I do that a lot and I’m thinking if it’s same for everyone else also??

What I know now…

I asked for clarity, to know what I want. I don’t know it all but I do know what I want in my relationship with V.  I want to live with him. I want to stay with him and not away from him, missing him and wishing to be with him.

It’s exhausting and tiring and also does not feel like a real relationship. I thought meeting once a month would be nice, it would become a relationship, but now I see it is not. I waited for so long for him to be here and to again start waiting to be see him each month is too much.

I am so happy that I know what I want. After this project is over I will move to Norway with him.

I’m sure if he would have suggested the same without me realizing I want this, I would have resisted it so much.

It will be so nice to be together. I really miss him a lot and I’m tired of missing him.

This will  not mean I have forgotten my responsibilites, I will still fulfill all my duties towards my family, but I don’t have to be miserable while I do them.

happy realizations right!! :))

Time management!

I am so bad at this. Every time I try to organise things and be prepared and just at the last minute I will be running to be on time or get things done. It’s not because I am lazy or stupid, but just that I get overwhelmed and it stops me from doing things in the pace or I should or I stop all at once until I become calm.

Somthing like that has been happening with me since my mom and brother are here. I am not getting enough sleep , I am not working out, I am not talking to V enough and obviously he thinks I am neglecting him and then I feel so overwhelmed all the time.

It is not good at all. Yes I am travelling to beautiful places and everything, but I am also getting tired and feeling so unsettled.

My brother has left for India and today I will get back to gym. I hope I manage it better this time.

Also with V, he starts feeling very alone if we dont talk much and it makes me feel guilty. I am still not sure he wants to be away from his family and I feel he is neglecting his feelings because of me, I don’t want that.

 

Everyone keeps telling me to settle down, get married, he”s a great guy and all, I know he is great and caring and loving, but why am I not sure of it. Is it too overwhelming of a thought? Or am I not listening to what I feel truely.

Well, those are the worries of tomorrow. Today I go back to gym and feel great! :)

 

Life is good

One of the things that I like about Buddhism practice is that it clearly says that there will always be troubles in life. You cannot have a life without challenges. They will be there. Accept it. But how you react to them, face them and deal with them will change your state of mind and also your future.

Having said that, my life is pretty good right now. I prayed and worked hard for few wishes and they have come true. My mom is here and my brother too. They both deserve to enjoy life and be happy. I am so happy to be a medium to bring this happiness to them.

V is in Norway too and we have met twice.

 

These were my wishes.

Looking forward I am as blank as I was before. I am chanting for clarity to find out what I want. It is important.

 

I will chant with all my heart and soul to find clarity as I am nothing without a clear mind and a goal in life.

I need this more than anything now and I will find it.

Different perspectives

This is so difficult for me. I don’t know why. Other people just know, they want to get married, have children, spend their lives with someone raising kids, but me, I almost hate marraige. I don’t know why. I have a fobia from it. I have seen so many friends getting married and their lives changing and them making sacrifices and adjustments and I don’t want that.  I don’t.

I want my life to be mine. Live it my way. Do what I want when I want. I don’t want to do things that I don’t want to. Adjust and compromise and all that.

I know it has good aspects also, companionship and care and love and I like all that. Me and V share that, but when it comes to the other things I freak out.

I know V wants to get married in few years and I told him that I’m not sure I will be ready or change my mind.

Is it better to finish it now than to wait till be spend years together and break our hearts irreplaceably. Its not fair to him. I should break up now else if I do this later he will be hurt more.

 

I can’t believe I am saying this. It does come to me many times and I will be so lost without him. But I can’t drag him along with false hopes.

Am I overreacting? Am i being impulsive and irrational?

It will be so hard if I do this. I love him so much and he is the support of my life. Oh god, I don’t know what i am doing.

 

He is flying to norway this weekend and will be here. It was our plan to live together in Europe and travel and enjoy life. And how that he is coming all these thoughts are here.

I have booked my flight for norway 1 week after he arrives. I don’t know what I am going to do.

 

Is this just committment fobia or does my life need a different direction? I will chant to find the answer. I have to and also to find courage to go through with the decision whatever it be.

 

 

Doubt

I have been in doubt for sometime now, about V and me. Sometimes he says things that make me realize how old fashioned and restricted his way of thinking is. Like he said that if his mom doesn’t want me to wear western clothes he will not talk against it. I mean, who is he or his mom to tell anyone about what clothes to wear? He gave me this example in response to when I said that I will always support my family financially. My mom, sis and brother  will always be my first duty. And he said you are making it sound like a contract, and then he asked if he can adjust with something like this, that then will I adjust to the clothes thing.

It made me sense how differently we think. I mean he is ok with everything (mostly) when I am his girlfriend, but when we talk long term commitment he seems like a changed person.

I’ve been getting this feeling that this will not last. My sis keeps telling me about how about how nice a guy he is and I agree, but I can’t seem to think long term commitment right now.

Also, we connect a lot, but mostly its physical attraction. Its been so long since we have been apart, I even forget how I felt with him and have to think hard to remember it.

The thing is that I don’t want any commitment right now but he seems to know that by next year he will get into some engagement coz of family pressure. My sis is right he is great and maybe he will be ok with my duties towards my family, but when I hear about  his family and his married sister and brother in law and how they are treated and how all formalities are carried on, I don’t get the feeling that I will fit in. After all when you marry someone you marry the entire family right.

I will expect my better half to be the son for my family , to care as much as for my family as for his,  to be honest as involved in my family as I am, but somehow I don’t think V agrees, his sister for instance stays close by and even though he was in UK and his mom was alone, his brother in law never visited like a son but more like a guest. Well, maybe V is different you know.

But I do see traits of typical indian man in him and I hate it. The society is set to male oriented but there are people who live easily also and dont let family pressure make them do things.

I don’t have to decide now I know, but the longer we carry this relationship the more the expectations of people and both of us. It will be difficult that I know. I know he is great but is he everything I want?

I do this, start thinking ahead of things and panicking and then build some thoughts in my mind which are only creations of my mind and overthinking.

Maybe it will all be ok. Maybe. But to be honest, I don’t see myself with him for too long.

I’m (still) here

I didn’t leave. I didn’t have to. My assignment got extended 1 month and it happened in the strangest of situation. I was ready to go home, to meet my family, to meet V, to do what it takes and then I’m still here.

It’s nice that I can earn and save a little more, and there is hope that I may be able to stay longer, but I was looking forward to home. Anyhow, I have too much work and I’m happy doing it. I seem to like to work alone and when I’m in charge of it. I worked on weekend and next 2 weeks will also be lot of work.

I am hoping that all this hard work gets recognized and I am asked to stay here longer. Then I can call mom here in summers and it will be so much fun.

I kind of feel like proving myself at work that I can and will handle everything well.

My supervisor return this week from his vacation and I am positive that I will not have any problems. I will do my work and not let anything get to me. I will not take anything personally and will get best rewards for my dedication and hard work.

V was to be here by now, but his visa is taking more time, he gets really tensed and I know how it feels, but I keep telling him that it’s delayed for a reason. I hope I meet him here and we can go on vacations and fulfill our dreams. I love him. But sometimes I doubt things. Like when he is busy and I know he’s not waiting for my call, it makes me feel relieved. I don’t share a lot of things with him either but I think I should.

I hope to see him soon though.

To being happy wherever you are! Cheers!


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