My experiences in this new phase of my life

Doubt

I have been in doubt for sometime now, about V and me. Sometimes he says things that make me realize how old fashioned and restricted his way of thinking is. Like he said that if his mom doesn’t want me to wear western clothes he will not talk against it. I mean, who is he or his mom to tell anyone about what clothes to wear? He gave me this example in response to when I said that I will always support my family financially. My mom, sis and brother  will always be my first duty. And he said you are making it sound like a contract, and then he asked if he can adjust with something like this, that then will I adjust to the clothes thing.

It made me sense how differently we think. I mean he is ok with everything (mostly) when I am his girlfriend, but when we talk long term commitment he seems like a changed person.

I’ve been getting this feeling that this will not last. My sis keeps telling me about how about how nice a guy he is and I agree, but I can’t seem to think long term commitment right now.

Also, we connect a lot, but mostly its physical attraction. Its been so long since we have been apart, I even forget how I felt with him and have to think hard to remember it.

The thing is that I don’t want any commitment right now but he seems to know that by next year he will get into some engagement coz of family pressure. My sis is right he is great and maybe he will be ok with my duties towards my family, but when I hear about  his family and his married sister and brother in law and how they are treated and how all formalities are carried on, I don’t get the feeling that I will fit in. After all when you marry someone you marry the entire family right.

I will expect my better half to be the son for my family , to care as much as for my family as for his,  to be honest as involved in my family as I am, but somehow I don’t think V agrees, his sister for instance stays close by and even though he was in UK and his mom was alone, his brother in law never visited like a son but more like a guest. Well, maybe V is different you know.

But I do see traits of typical indian man in him and I hate it. The society is set to male oriented but there are people who live easily also and dont let family pressure make them do things.

I don’t have to decide now I know, but the longer we carry this relationship the more the expectations of people and both of us. It will be difficult that I know. I know he is great but is he everything I want?

I do this, start thinking ahead of things and panicking and then build some thoughts in my mind which are only creations of my mind and overthinking.

Maybe it will all be ok. Maybe. But to be honest, I don’t see myself with him for too long.

I’m (still) here

I didn’t leave. I didn’t have to. My assignment got extended 1 month and it happened in the strangest of situation. I was ready to go home, to meet my family, to meet V, to do what it takes and then I’m still here.

It’s nice that I can earn and save a little more, and there is hope that I may be able to stay longer, but I was looking forward to home. Anyhow, I have too much work and I’m happy doing it. I seem to like to work alone and when I’m in charge of it. I worked on weekend and next 2 weeks will also be lot of work.

I am hoping that all this hard work gets recognized and I am asked to stay here longer. Then I can call mom here in summers and it will be so much fun.

I kind of feel like proving myself at work that I can and will handle everything well.

My supervisor return this week from his vacation and I am positive that I will not have any problems. I will do my work and not let anything get to me. I will not take anything personally and will get best rewards for my dedication and hard work.

V was to be here by now, but his visa is taking more time, he gets really tensed and I know how it feels, but I keep telling him that it’s delayed for a reason. I hope I meet him here and we can go on vacations and fulfill our dreams. I love him. But sometimes I doubt things. Like when he is busy and I know he’s not waiting for my call, it makes me feel relieved. I don’t share a lot of things with him either but I think I should.

I hope to see him soon though.

To being happy wherever you are! Cheers!

Found!

I found my happiness… back!

Day 1 -I sat at home and didn’t go to work. I ate, watched a movie, talked to V (didn’t tell about my troubles) and surfed the net and ate and slept. Nothing different. But I was sure I hadn’t found the peace and happiness to go to work next day.

Day 2 – I woke up little early than usual weekend / work off days. Ate. Read a little, skyped at home and mentioned I am not happy with changes, they reassured me that all will be good and seeing them so calm and happy to looking forward to see me, it made me little happy. Then I checked my account  balance and found that I will have some saved amount for my brothers next semester fees, which made me so relieved and calm. So this meant I could take a few months to find something good again. Then I saw lots of ‘law of attraction’ videos, on talk shows, the video of secret and so much more. I knew I was thinking negative and I knew how the secret works, but every once in while we need to touchbase with it to keep check on our feelings and focus and thought process.

I was so happy. I had burned out all my fear and tears. I let that fear of things going wrong or not as planned to eat me up but I have burned it out now. I let my fear of whether I can take control if things change come to surface and when I answered he fear my answer was ‘yes’, I can handle it and turn it to reach where I want. And then the fear went away, like it was just growing on the assumption that I would never have courage to accept or understand if I can take control of my life, but when I accepted and realized that I have the control, the fear vanished.

I felt and still feel that the best of best is waiting to unfold for me as long as I keep feeling it. I’m not worried anymore. I am so happy. I will meet V, mum, bro and sis. Take gifts for them. It will be lovely.

Also, I get a break(forever) from the negative thoughts and its web that I has build around me.

I will go and be on a vacation. It will be fun. I will get and earn everything  I deserve. I will get it all coz it is all mine. It’s not going anywhere.

I am truely happy and feel confident that I can handle anything that comes and reach my aim and goals.

Here is to positive thinking and happiness! Like the tarot cards said… let go of the things ur attaching urself so tightly to, give yourself some love, have courage in yourself and act out of abundance. So true!

Lost

My life is right now lost. I have no direction or sense of what I will do next and I have been getting suicidal thoughts lately. I feel like I’m loosing my mind. It all started when they (the manager and brm) told me that I had to go back to India by the end of this month.

I don’t want to go back!

Also they told me that I had to go to this other location where the project is, instead of my office branch, which is where my family lives and that too for 3 months before they let me get off the project.

I have been going crazy since. I told them I don’t want to and they threatened to spoil my year appraisal and also my promotions that would come would be affected. I tried to make myself understand and accept the rational of it all. I want to be ok with this. But the idea of being forced to do something against my wishes is what I cant get around.

I felt so helpless and cried in office 3 times (that evening) and many times later. I feel like I have let down my family’s expectations. I have my brothers education and mom’s hopes to travel with me and none of it will happen if I go back, at least not for 3 months.

I was meditating. Hoping it will be all right. Crying praying and still I was feeling useless and being forced.

Not having a choice is what it felt like.

I started to apply for jobs locally but it turns out that will not happen as well because I have 3months notice and before that I will leave.

I am feeling so overwhelmed and ashamed of not being able to pull this off. I should have done something to make my stay permanent.

All I feel is anger and thoughts of loosing and killing myself.

I hate everyone of those people who have brought this upon me.

I don’t feel like going to work and running away from there.

I am feeling this weight of not being able to make things stable especially cause my family depends on this from  me.

I met my friend and told her this. I felt ashamed of being so weak and crying. She was supportive.

I didn’t go to office today called in sick and wont go tomorrow as well.I will not go until I see a positive light and make myself feel happy. I can’t. I can’t keep thinking of killing myself.

I have to shake this off. I want to. Just someone tell me how. Cause everytime I think about going back all I see is darkness. And about being in the location they want me to, I feel like I will harm myself.

I want to talk to the brm and ask him to help me out, but I fear I will mention the suicidal thoughts.

I know life always dosen’t turn the way we think and that is where the we learn and grow, but I cannot see it. I feel blinded by self pity and unworthiness and not being able to do what I need to for my family. I love them. I want to give them all happiness in this world. I had such high hopes from Amsterdam. My stay here. This place would change all our dreams to reality. I was so positive when i came here. So looking forward to life and all the good that I would do.

I know its a backstep of only few months if I have to go back coz i can find something else after that, but to me it seems like the end of my happiness and life.

I feel like I will never live if this happens. If god exists and truely supports me he will help me. Either help me stay or help me learn how to live with it and still be happy.

I have to find a way to see something good and look towards it.

I don’t share all this with my family or V, they will worry that I am going crazy. I don’t know how me and V are, I don’t know if I want to be with him or not. I don’t know what to do.

Please someone tell me what to do that will make things better and I will do it.

 

Tarot cards and More

I got a tarot reading last weekend and here is what my cards said about each phase of my life..

rationale: let go

heart: balance givirng love between self and to others

physical: courage, realize it is in you center and use it

action: act of abundance

I don’t know how much sense it makes, but it seemed like I hoping for somethings to happen to make me happy and I need to let go and act out of abundance. Which is something I truely want to do. And also I should have courage to let go and balance my love for others but also nurture myself. Very deep and I need to reflect and understand how it fits in my life now.

What’s happening in my life is really confusing and unpredictable. That is how life is right unpredictable, however what I’m missing is focus. I don’t know where to focus my energy on. I plan goals and then the whole confusing situations make me totally forget everything and get pulled into the chaos. 

At work, I know I want to stay here and like someone suggested that I should focus on what and give my 200% at work, I really don’t feel like giving it even 50%.  I literally hate it and everyone there. Hate is such a strong emotion and I don’t want to have it. But suddenly I feel this resentment against everyone, like they have all ganged up against me, to make my life difficult. Which I know is not true and I am moving away from that feeling. But still to be my best and do my best at work is not something that I feel like doing at all.

Then I’m applying at all openings and hoping something will come off from there. But also, I have no idea when it will work and what will be my next step. I’m happy to let go of my current place but it involves a  lot of legal process involved, notice period, work permit, buying out my notice. Blah blah.. I don’t know. Time will tell. But I will keep trying till the last minute.

I’m also not feeling like talking about all this much to family coz I know it will concern them and every time I tell them something that is not going like we planned I feel like I’m letting them down, their hopes, expectations and plans. I am supposed to make their dreams come true. I feel so weak every time I think I am not able to do what will good for them. I try everything in my control and I have made mistakes, but it really makes me cry every time I feel like I haven’t done what’s in their best interest.

I have cried over this so many times. And it makes me feel weak. I build too much pressure on myself and keep looking at how every move of mine affects them and it becomes so hard.

 

With V things are all right. We are talking and connecting and everything but … but these thoughts of how real this is keep coming to me. I keep having these doubts. I am a person who never like the idea of having strings attached and giving up on my dreams or changing my paths for someone else. And ever since I have come here it’s all I have done. It is not a good feeling. Yes, we wanted to be together and he is coming here, at least at reachable distance, but my focus of being with e not is totally what I should have focused on. I could have got a job outside till now if I had not been in a relationship and focusing on how to be together.

I keep thinking of how it will work and then there is this part of me that does not want to change my plans for anyone. When we initially thought about this it was way much easier in our heads, I was to come here and he would too  and it would all be one fun party. But it has changed.

I don’t want to break his heart. But I’m not sure about where I see this going and maybe the stress that  long distance brings with it is affecting how I look at it.

 

I’m practicing faith and trying to feel hope. I am trying to be positive and look forward. But what that forward is, is what I don’t know. I need to focus on really sit and put it all down. I will do it today.

Btw.. I took a day off and totally made it the perfect lazy, nothing to do day. I loved it.

Happiness and Peace for everyone in my prayers!

 

The power

I’ve been doing some reading and meditation and I realized that how I had let my power slip out of my hand. I had / have given others the power to make me feel happy / sad / worthy / weak.

It is what  we think of ourselves that matters the most. Even if we know that we have flaws it is our power to make change and feel good about ourselves.

Have you ever felt like saying ‘ please don’t do that it is making me so irritated / angry’. I bet you have. And the moment we do that, we allow someone else’s actions to drive our feelings and state of mind.

It’s not that you will have to always what other’s do or say, but how you react to it, do you let it affect your state of mind or do you simply say it is not something I like/agree hence I need not to give it much importance.

Sometimes, it really helps to just let your mind be blank and absorb some peace.

I feel a change in me, a calmness and a belief that all will be good. I am ready for this change. I have been praying for it a long time but now I am acting on it.

To peace and belief!

The point

I am at a point in  my life where so much is happening. I am losing control of my patience, my ability to decide and also to know what I want. I have never been good at doing what ‘I have to’, but somewhere along the line it gave me the power to push through. 

But now it is so much more. I over think things. I over stress myself. And now I’m breaking down. 

I am so overwhelmed emotionally and so drained mentally, thinking about what I want and how will I achieve it. I feel so burdened and scared about the responsibilities I have and how my family’s happiness depends on my decisions. 

I have been trying so hard to make everything work for their sake that I have neglected my own sake. 

It’s not that I am not thinking about me, but the insecurity of being their ‘support’ is making me weak instead of strong. 

I don’t blame them, this is totally my doing. My approach and thought process has made it a vulnerable point. 

If you act out of fear it will only bring more fear. And I was scared or am scared. So scared that if I mess this up I will let down my mom and brother and sister. That I will not be able fulfill their expectations and needs. That I will not be able to provide like my father would have. That I will fail.

I am scared thinking about what if it dosen’t work instead of being happy about how good it has been so far. 

And people smell fear like dogs do and they use it to manipulate you. 

I am so vulnerable right now, I have cried so many times in the office washroom, I have got a headache and skipped my gym many times due to stressful conversation, I have lost my interest to be best at what I do and get appreciated. 

Maybe it is time to change myself and my perspective. But all I see around me is uncoperative people who are trying to take advantage of me.

I am a strong girl but at this point I feel weak.

I feel weak that I have responsibilities to do and weak coz I have a relationship to manage. 

These should be the driving forces in my life and I have made them the strings that are  making me bow down and give up.

The more I think about it the more I feel a need for change. 

And the first step for me will me to stay calm and try to detach myself from the hatred I have build against those who are being not supportive towards me. I will try to forgive them. I will try to focus on forgiving and not wishing them bad. I  will stay calm and not overwork myself. I will pray and chant every morning and evening to find strength and forgiveness. I will chant to be stronger. I will chant to make my family happy. 

And every time I feel someone is doing wrong to me I will say a prayer that I forgive them and free them and myself from their doing.

 

It is a different approach for me. But at this point in my life, I need to try whatever I can to find what works.


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