My experiences in this new phase of my life

The vain things I wish for..

We all have a wishlist, about how we want our lives to feel, how we feel it should be etc. And in that list, we have very important goals and ambitions and few vain little wishes.

They are not that important or major things,  but just few things that nobody else gets why its even there.

For me… I realized today:

I want to be with a man who has his life sorted. Like his home, his car, his savings. Who is there. Comfortable. Settled.

It’s silly I know, these things are build not kept reserved or something. And V will build it up, but I don’t want the struggling person. I want the comfortable and already there guy.

I want the comforts, of not having to check my savings every month, knowing there is enough, of living in a nice home that I know I don’t have to move out of one day, of being relaxed and not worrying about how much our next holiday will cost and burden us. I know it seems superficial, but its ok. I want my man to be solid and secure in finances. Maybe I have struggled so much that I want to enjoy the luxuries. Maybe everyone wants to. It’s funny how I say ‘my man’. :)

If we are both struggling and building things, it will be such a hard thing. And ofcourse money always makes so many fights appear and disappear. But that is not why I felt it. I felt the ease of it. The realization came from being comfortable and not from working on the logic of it.

Of course this is not the thing that is my priority. But its a silly thing and I just realized it today. Love and care are far more important to me. And I’m glad I know that.

So much to our silly little hearts that wish for so much more and then such little things too.

Please comment also, not only like!

My dear Readers,

I haven’t heard from you in so long!

I keep posting my thoughts and my life and my troubles and all sorts of stuff that you may not want to read at times. But please do share your opinions with me. They are most welcome.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Cheers!

P.S : No Idea what tags and category this should go under.

Anxious!

Too many things to do and too many decisions make me very very anxious. I spoke to V yesterday and turns out there is a job opening at his location but it is for October end. Immediately my mind began to run away with idea on how I will convince my boss here to let me go and what all I need to do. It’s not nice, its going to be difficult to get away from here and also I hear so much negative about situation there that for a moment I hesitate going there.

I want to be with him. I do. But I want to also work in peaceful environment. But I guess if the choice comes I will opt for living with him.

Also, we thought I will tell them now itself that I need release in December and then January I would move there. Phew!

My head is spinning now. It literally has been too for 2-3 months now, everytime I sit up after lying down, and the doctor says some fluid in my ear has gotten thick and it will be ok by itself. Anyhow, this is nice, but I am still confused, how much should I push for this?

Also, I feel awefull today, my body image confidence is going down, I feel fat and stuffed and still want to eat yummy things like chocolate. I already ate a muffin already.

This is not good. I have to go for 30k tomorrow and I’m like blah! I have to eat pasta and I’m so tensed about this. The 30k, the 35k and finally the 42k. Damned! I’m running so much and yet I dont look the part. I hate it!!!!!

Maybe I will feel better after the 30k tomorrow, not physicallly ofcourse but maybe I will feel thin or atleast not-fat.

I can’t believe I brought myself to this point. I clearly remember the days when I was so happy to feel thin and enjoy what I saw in the mirror, with clothes on atleast.

I was aiming bikini body and now I aim fit into my dress (which was loose before).

I just can’t believe it.  And with all this running I can’t even get to the gym. I hateee it!

Just having a bad day I guess! I hope by next time I am better.

I surprise myself

After that violent and angry post, I went home and surprisingly I was not so angry. I did remember that 90% of the conflicts are in my mind itself, I sometimes start avoiding someone or situation so much and it creates a very nasty imagine in my mind. Reality however may be different.

I have experienced this before when I get super offensive and think everyone/the person I hate at that moment, does everything only to hurt me. I know its not true.

So when I went home I change my clothes, unpacked and relaxed, put my dirty clothes in washer, made myself a snack and ginger tea and then skyped V.  We talked and I missed him so so much. He is such a darling. So loving and caring, I couldn’t ask for more. He is such a good person and so honest, I am so grateful to have him in my life. He supports me and is there for me always.

Anyways, after the much loved talks I watched Devious Maids season 1, it is quite fun and I enjoyed it. Watched a few episodes and I was feeling relaxed. Somehow my focus had moved away from the negative tension between me and the flatmates. I was calm. My roommate, who used to be a good friend, was lying in bed so I asked if she was ok and needed something. I offered to get her dinner plate from the kitchen and she said she was fine and will eat in sometime. So there I was kind too! Me ! kind! wow!

I need to do more of that. 

When people treat you badly then turn around and be your best and kindest to them. 

I felt peace with whatever the situation. I am moving out because it dosent suit me anymore and I dont expect anything from them. 

The next day at work, I got reply from another place I was waiting on and I confirmed the place. I even get a separate room, so now V can come and stay also.

Sometimes, all you need is time I guess. To heal that hurt, to accept that you trusted someone more than you should, that it’s ok if you found the person dosen’t consider you as much as you consider them. It’s ok. It’s life. You accept and move on.

So Cheers to moving on! To acceptance and getting rid of anger and hurt!  

Going crazy

After a lovely weekend spent with V, I am literally going crazy today. I don’t know if I haven’t slept enough or just my emptiness of missing him that is triggering this craziness in me. I feel like my mind will explode.

I don’t want to go back to that room. To see those girls faces. I hate them. Yes, I hate such people who don’t have consideration for others and who call themselves friends but are just using you to spend their time and have company and when you  need help they back out like it has nothing to do with them.

I am so infuriated. I could slap someone , or that person, right in the face so hard she wouldn’t know what hit her.

Ok I am being very violent in my thoughts but it is too much. 

I am looking for new place to live and all because of those two bitches, one who won’t let me have the single room so I get some peace and the other bitch who acted like a friend and was a bloody selfish bitch.

I have to live there until I find something new, and I have to take the pain of finding something new, they will continue to live in their bitchy self comfortably.I wish something happens and they learn their lesson.

In the mean time, I am so worked up, trying to look for a place, not too expensive and everything else is in the same or higher range and I have to share the room. I can’t decide if I can take the luxury to pay more and take a single room or not. I have to save. I have spent away all of it when my mom and brother were here and now I have to save. 

I need to relax and maybe exercise will help, but when you have the worst of moods like this, you don”t feel like doing a thing. I need to get my share of the groceries as I was not here on weekend. Maybe that will relax me down.

Why does suddenly everyone look like an enemy to me, when something goes wrong ?

 

Why does all this bother me so much, why can’t I just ignore and let it be. I get so worked up and boil my blood over this kind of crap, over people who are not even worth anything and who don’t even mean anything in my life. 

Do I build up these enemies and hatred in my mind? Could this be an exaggerated version of my mind? Do I need to control it and  stop it ?

 

 I will not spend my energy on this rubbish and those people. I will enjoy my time and love myself. I will try to focus on things I like and love. I will go home and get the groceries and then I will make myself a cup of tea and enjoy something nice to eat and then I will listen to good music, sketch a bit and relax. Talk to V and end my evening in peace. God bless!

Feelings

I feel pathetic, lost and so weird. Sometimes I feel like leaving everything and wonder why am I still living. The smallest of let downs shake my life and then I fight the biggest battles with courage.

Worst is I am not even PMSing so no one to blame it all on.

Every time there is a fall back I end up looking at all my weak points, I don’t like to socialise, I don’t know how to keep balance in life, I spoil things until they can’t b fixed. Damn!

The main reason all this started is coz my dresses are tight . I have gained weight or fat as I like to say it and it more than what I was when I came here 1 year before. I am ashamed of myself and so confused. What is wrong with me, why is food such a big deal!

I have worked so hard so many days and it’s all in the gutter because I ate wrong food.

As tired as I am I cannot let go. I have to be what I want I have to look the way I want. Nothing else is acceptable.

I love these days

It’s one of those days, where you have sweet dreams and you wake up softly and gently with a smile and feel happy to the core and can’t stop smiling. It’s the feeling I have when I think about V and me living together, when I think about how sweet and loving he is and how blessed I am to have him in my life.

I can’t stop smiling as I type right now. :)

Coming back to the concept of ”law of attraction” I am going to keep this lovely feeling with me as much as possible. Think about us living together and being so happy. I am going to feel that happiness that I know is coming my way, even though it is not the present situation. Energy flows where attention goes!

I know I think that I may have to make tuff decisions in the future about my career options, where I get my project and all, but I am going to erase those thoughts, those worries, those negative emotions.

I am going to believe, that V and I will live together, while we both get the perfect job opportunities. It will all work out itself perfectly in time and not require us to be apart at all. I truely want this, then why think anything different right!

I am so excited! Best of things are going to come my way, bigger dreams are going to be fullfilled, so much more is coming up and I am ready. Life is beautiful and everything I want is within my reach. Sense the enthusiams in my words.. :)

 

Thank you God, thank you universe for this life, my family, V, my job and everything else around me. I am blessed!

Happy thinking to all!


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