I got a tarot reading last weekend and here is what my cards said about each phase of my life..

rationale: let go

heart: balance givirng love between self and to others

physical: courage, realize it is in you center and use it

action: act of abundance

I don’t know how much sense it makes, but it seemed like I hoping for somethings to happen to make me happy and I need to let go and act out of abundance. Which is something I truely want to do. And also I should have courage to let go and balance my love for others but also nurture myself. Very deep and I need to reflect and understand how it fits in my life now.

What’s happening in my life is really confusing and unpredictable. That is how life is right unpredictable, however what I’m missing is focus. I don’t know where to focus my energy on. I plan goals and then the whole confusing situations make me totally forget everything and get pulled into the chaos. 

At work, I know I want to stay here and like someone suggested that I should focus on what and give my 200% at work, I really don’t feel like giving it even 50%.  I literally hate it and everyone there. Hate is such a strong emotion and I don’t want to have it. But suddenly I feel this resentment against everyone, like they have all ganged up against me, to make my life difficult. Which I know is not true and I am moving away from that feeling. But still to be my best and do my best at work is not something that I feel like doing at all.

Then I’m applying at all openings and hoping something will come off from there. But also, I have no idea when it will work and what will be my next step. I’m happy to let go of my current place but it involves a  lot of legal process involved, notice period, work permit, buying out my notice. Blah blah.. I don’t know. Time will tell. But I will keep trying till the last minute.

I’m also not feeling like talking about all this much to family coz I know it will concern them and every time I tell them something that is not going like we planned I feel like I’m letting them down, their hopes, expectations and plans. I am supposed to make their dreams come true. I feel so weak every time I think I am not able to do what will good for them. I try everything in my control and I have made mistakes, but it really makes me cry every time I feel like I haven’t done what’s in their best interest.

I have cried over this so many times. And it makes me feel weak. I build too much pressure on myself and keep looking at how every move of mine affects them and it becomes so hard.

 

With V things are all right. We are talking and connecting and everything but … but these thoughts of how real this is keep coming to me. I keep having these doubts. I am a person who never like the idea of having strings attached and giving up on my dreams or changing my paths for someone else. And ever since I have come here it’s all I have done. It is not a good feeling. Yes, we wanted to be together and he is coming here, at least at reachable distance, but my focus of being with e not is totally what I should have focused on. I could have got a job outside till now if I had not been in a relationship and focusing on how to be together.

I keep thinking of how it will work and then there is this part of me that does not want to change my plans for anyone. When we initially thought about this it was way much easier in our heads, I was to come here and he would too  and it would all be one fun party. But it has changed.

I don’t want to break his heart. But I’m not sure about where I see this going and maybe the stress that  long distance brings with it is affecting how I look at it.

 

I’m practicing faith and trying to feel hope. I am trying to be positive and look forward. But what that forward is, is what I don’t know. I need to focus on really sit and put it all down. I will do it today.

Btw.. I took a day off and totally made it the perfect lazy, nothing to do day. I loved it.

Happiness and Peace for everyone in my prayers!

 

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