The last 2 years of my life have been the most challenging years of my life. I have been through tough times before , I saw my dad got sick and in and out of hospitals for 2 years before he passed away in pain, I saw my family become broke not having any source of income, I saw my mom having to beg money from her parents to keep us living, I saw my mom sell everything she had to give us an education, I lived alone in foreign countries and went through all troubles alone and scared because I didn’t want to worry my family and had to earn money no matter what for them, I went though terrible break up of the guy lying to me about our future & denying everything in front his mother and marrying a girl of his mother’s choice 3 months after our 3 year relationship. I have gone though years of life alone, not showing any weakness or emotion to my family, so they wont worry.
Yet after all of these hardships, last 2 years were the most difficult, because I considered giving up life itself. I went through a darkness that left me feeling death would be better than living anymore. The only thing that kept me from taking action, the thought of my family when they would know I was gone. I suffered in silence for 2 years only talking to my therapist, I couldnt tell them what I was going through. I lived with my boyfriend/husband who didnt understand or educate himself on depression and called me lazy, just get over it, snap out of it already. I dont know why he decided to marry me & why I said yes. I felt so unlike myself that the thought of anyone wanting me in their life was a glimpse of hope. I made me come out of the darkness. It helped me have hope and think life can be worth living.
And then here I am. 6 months married and pregnant and not wanting to live anymore. Not this life atleast. Not with him. When the fog went away and clarity came in, I saw him for who he really is, a stubborn man who cares more about himself than me. We dont want the same things. We want different lives. Even to a woman who is pregnant and knows will go through the most hard physical experience any human can, he has no empathy, he has concerns for his comfort first. I keep asking if he will take care of me and he says yes, but those words are empty, because the truth is he will not put himself second to anything. He is the most selfish man I know. He does not deserve me. He does not deserve any woman. If a man cannot show empathy and care during such a sensitive time in a woman’s life, he does not deserve to be have a woman at all.
Why did I not see this before. I ignored so much about what and who he is. I brushed away so many differences, core differences. And now what. Am I to take responsibility and get abortion. Is that my fate to take this big decision and live with it forever. Or am I to sacrifice my life into unhappiness with a man who has no care for how hard it is going to be. Can i live being untrue and putting up a fake life? But for whom? why?
I wish I had never gotten pregnant. But then I wouldnt have seen him for what he truly is. Is this GODs way of showing me the truth. Does he want me to act on it.
And so the fairytale of love and life is over… darkness and doubt take over! To have nothing to look forward to……only dread ahead!
I’m romancing the ideas of having it all… all that I wish for.. all that I have dreamed of.. but let’s take it a step further..I have it all and then what do I do.. hmm I’m loving this idea..let’s see where it takes us.
I’m sitting in the veranda, overlooking the pool, hills & over the horizon the ocean. I’m at my beautiful summer vacation villa. I love this villa so much. Its a living dream of mine that I mildly dip into and softly float in. I love the sun, the sun on my skin make me warm and bright and alive. I sit here in my bikini, already done a nice morning swim that used every muscle in my body and stretched it and worked, like you can feel that muscle coz you felt it work. Amazing how I have learned to love my body and follow its hints to what serves it and what does not. It was the best thing I did. I let me body and its signals guide me, in what I eat, in how it makes me feel, in how much I move and also how it reacts. Sitting comfortably in a tiny biking with a toned body and fit healthy body – just as I was supposed to be.
I’m reading a beautiful novel, I have always loved reading stories, stories of worlds not known to me, of people unknown and how my imagination paints these stories into pictures. I love reading. I read a bit and look up at my view – send appreciation to every fiber of being alive and existing on this earth, feel my heart swell up with love , so much love, & then go back to my novel, the stories, the people, the places, my imagination.
I love how I feel when I read a story, when an author is able to use mere words and make a story come to life. It gives me inspiration and also reminder of why I am an author. Its because of these feelings, the power to transport readers into feeling emotions and having sensations and its magic. Magic that transports you, does not matter who you are, whats going on in your life, when you read that story – you are there – transported – leaving everything else behind, good, bad, everything.
I spend my mornings reading, after a early morning swim , chanting and a scrumptious fresh breakfast – the next best thing to do is to read.
He is sitting next to me reading as well. I like that we can sit in quiet together, enjoy the silences. Every now and then we quote to each other beautiful sentences from our reads and soak in the words and then quiet.
Nothing more to do for rest of the afternoon, maybe go back in for a swim in a few hours. Walk to the beach to see sunset. I love to see the sun set over the water. The hills, the beach and the calmness of this place massages my soul and then lets it relax, drift off, in light haze. I am present in every moment, soaking it in, appreciating it, loving it, owning it.
I am living in now, I am experiencing abundance, of wealth, health, peace, inner connection. Not a worry, no list , no to-do, no unknowing. Everything is available, present, known & accepted.
There are my summers & it is every bit of what I wanted and what I love. Happiness surrounds within and around.
Keeping to the new approach of only writing how I want things to be in my life, and not how they are.. here go
My life right now is full of love, laughs and happiness right now. I am finding balance in my relationship with myself and also my loved ones.
My relationship with myself: I am trusting myself more. I am listening to myself more. I am doing more and more of all things that bring me joy, smiles and pure happiness. I am living each day and feeling the blessings I have to be here and appreciating all around me. I am listening to my body and taking care of it, nourishing it with food and keeping it moving and active with exercise. I feel comfortable in my skin and my body.
My relationship with my partner: I am feeling appreciation in my love life. I am appreciating my partner so much and he is appreciating me as well. We are both very happy to be each other’s support. We have many conversations together about life, future, goals, plans. We enjoy so many things together, activities and travelling. We balance each other. We love travelling together to see beautiful corners of the world and love the journeys and destinations. We support each other, let each other grow to be better, take care of each other, advise each other and love each other as we grow. It is like I have a best friend and the love of partner in one person. Its a great feeling to be with someone who understands you, is your biggest supporter and walks together with you to all your goals and dreams together.
My Finances: I am financially independent at the right moment when I felt it was great time. I have much more than I need and I feel secure about money. I feel blessed and also appreciative. I also learned how to grow my money and that has been working very well. I feel so great to be in place to be happy with money in my life and to be able to give to world and get back more and more. I feel freedom, relaxed and abundant with money.
My Family : I am super happy to have my family with me. They love me and I love them. I am so excited they live near me and we spend so much time together, travelling, enjoying festivals, holidays. It is such joy to spend time with family and see them also grow and become fulfilled in so many ways.
My book : I am now writing another book. It is so peaceful and satisfying to be able to express with words. Also i love to bring stories that will live in this world forever and readers can enjoy and feel good after. I feel so appreciative of it.
I want to change something about this space. I want it to be a diary and evidence to all that I wish to happen and not all that I am experiencing.
Let me explain.
I have been reading / listening to Abraham Hicks a lot, books , recordings etc. The books are ”Ask and its Given” and ”Law of Attraction” and the crux of everything is ”whatever you give attention to and feel emotion towards – is what you attract more of” . So if I am sitting here and writing about my life experiences that I like or dont like and feeling emotions about it, more of them will appear in future in my life, simply because I give my emotional attention to those subjects/experiences.
So I want to use this space to ONLY and ONLY give attention and emotion to WHAT I EXPECT from life and that which only brings forth POSITIVE EMOTION – for me when writing it, for me when reading it later and for all who read it anytime. It will not all be friction of course, but expectations towards positive outcomes of some factual things happening in my life or I wish to happen soon. 🙂
So here is what this space will look like:
March 2018:
We bought a house together J and me. We are moving in 2 weeks time. It will be the first time we live together and is very exciting. I want to live in a space filled with love, hope, happiness and joy. A welcoming and warm home. Home is something I havent had in a while and am very happy to have it soon. I see us decorating the house together, adding our ideas and personality touches to it. Learning more about each other and falling in love even more. I want to live together but be myself. Grow together and also nurture my self growth and happiness. I want us to feel loved, respected and secure together. Life has brought us together, and i believe it is from his intentions and my intentions that it has happened. So our intentions forward are what will set our course of life together. It is a great feeling. It is a positive feeling. I share more as we go on.
Also I have been in a new job since september last year and it has been great. more that great actually. Its everything I want in job in my life. And even though I will soon start to work for myself and be financially independent soon, for now this job is everything that i want and wished for, peaceful, good pay, good colleagues, relaxed environment, appreciative and respectful. I do like it very much. And when I decide to leave it will be only with good feeling and thoughts.
Life is beautiful and I feel blessed every single morning to wake up and live it.
Hope all reading find some thought / action / words to bring forth POSITIVE emotion.
Life is constant evolving and so are we, whether we like it or not. My last post was in November 2017..wow… took me a long time to get back here!
Much has happened, as whether I appreciate what has happened or not, I do appreciate things have happened and moved and changed. I could not saying things are still same, that is never what I want.
So quick recap:
December 2017 – celebrated Christmas with J and family. Felt more and more involved with his family. Easy going. I would have loved to do more and go out more, ice skating, new locations in Amsterdam to explore with beautiful decorations, but it did not happen. Partly coz I depend on J joining and then he was sick for holiday week. I missed it.
January 2018 – New years eve went for dinner and reminiscing about how year went by, but J has completely different opinion about our Greece trip with his family. According to him I kept him from enjoying his time with family and was not present enough, according to me it was nice to get to know his family and relax. J is so harsh and it made me cry in the restaurant during dinner. I cannot tell how sensitive I am to his harsh words. It pierces through me and breaks my spirit of happiness and joy. I know it should not be so fragile to be broken, but when and how he says it affects me so much. Well apart from that the rest of month went in planning a trip to India with J. Well I was gonna go for my brothers convocation ceremony and last year J did say yes to come but I said no coz it was too soon, so I asked if wants to go now. He said yes and then I planned a 2 week trip.
February 2018- We went to India. I went 1 week ahead and spent time with family and then J joined me for 2 weeks. 1 week we spent with my family and next week we both went for a trip. It was nice. I think he liked it. Shocked but liked it.We celebrated color festival ‘holi’ and was blast. Only downside was his stomach got upset few days but he managed very well.
March 2018 – I was so relaxed and energized after my vacation. I came back to work with more energy and happiness. I also had a great idea to start my own business and was so excited about it. Ideas were flowing, energy was flowing, I was happy and so happy. We also started looking for house together.
April2018 – Reality sinking in, ideas were less, happiness was fading. Basically realizing how my job was making me sick and unhappy. I was still getting negative feedback and people were still telling me how I am not doing enough. Things with J were constant up and down. I was also missing family now. House hunt was getting on our nerves, it was energy eating and frustrating. The market was crazy, the prices high, I wanted it so bad and he was willing to wait it out. Every single time we went to viewing we had argument, was very very stressful.
May2018 – More and more house hunt and arguments. Also realizing how my udpates have been mostly about me and J. I guess that is occupying my mind mostly right now and hence that is what my brain remembers. Work was work and I was living with it, coz we wanted to get a house, i had to stick it out coz we want to get a mortgage and so. To de-stress we took a short trip to Switzerland was nice. I love travelling and love nature.
June2018 – I had discussion with my manager about where they extend my contract and he said not. So after august I would be free bird. It was freeing in so many ways. physical and mental stress. my life free from being stuck in place and people I dont like – relief. It freed me. truly and honestly. It also meant we stopped the house hunt. Also got relief in a way as the stress was out and arguments died. I was not stressed about new job either, I started applying and got some movement but did not worry about it. Started working out more.
July2018 -Here we are now. I dont have new job yet, but I am still calm and easy about it. I am discussing some options. I am still coming to my current work for this month but I dont have anything to do as new person is there and picked up all my work and next month onwards I am off (pending vacay days). Planning a trip with my sis next month. Being active physically. With J its ups and downs. We still have communication issues and are constant battling how to resolve it. Recently his family made some plans and i could not join due to some wrong date booking and then it made me very upset as no one contacted me. Till this point i was feeling very much part of family and suddenly after this i dont. I know its not right, just 1 event should not define how I feel, but for me it is like this. I need to learn how to let things go and move on. But does not come easily especially if i feel betrayed. It comes to a point where i feel so hurt and i know its not intentional but still i feel it and i dont want to face them anymore and i know J feels bad that i dont want to be involved. also i dont think he understands how much effort i have put in to mix with his family. and anytime i dont want to go or join he feels offended. it is putting a strain on our relationship. my family is not here so he is quite relaxed about it.
I often tell him I was so happy in beginning of our relationship. and he hates to hear that coz to him it means i am not happy now. while i miss the feelings and happiness i felt when we had earlier met. it was so much easy, appreciative, supportive, eager and loving, not just from him but also from me. I miss that now. I miss it so much. I want that back. And i accept it also means I need to do things differently. I was so independent and now suddenly i want all experiences with him. Even going out on weekends or seeing something beautiful I want to do as couple. I have missed so many experiences because of this expectation, as I regret it. I should be going and doing what makes me happy instead of waiting for him. And it is not like he wants to hurt me, it is just that he does not enjoy those things. It is a big big difference between us. And just like any other difference I have to find a way to work around it and with it.
So much happened and is happening. I also found a real good inspiring and positive speaker Abraham Hicks, if you have not hear, I would strongly recommend to. It is so nice and positive, especially to know and reassure you can change things in your life when you decide to and how your thoughts can drive you to everything you have wanted.
Hope everyone is having a lovely time in their life and by lovely I mean ‘changing & movement’. Coz thats what its all about, isnt it? 😉
If you speak the language or your don’t does anyone truly understand what another says? In the same manner, feel, aspect and importance?
I am doubting this as somehow J and me are having so many communication issues. I say something and he takes it differently and he is always saying I dont listen to him and see things only my way. This is not a rant, but I am questioning the basic concept of it all.
You can work on your part of communication, but then how do you make the other person understand exactly what you mean? At work I have attended some training on how to communicate better and convey your message with clarity, but in personal life those rules dont seem to work.
I also do believe what J says, I am too clear on what I want, too focused on how I have it in my head and what things should be like, and that is for most of the things. So I dont completely blame him in feeling I am not considering his feelings into account.
How do you improve communication in personal relationships? there is so much that goes into it? feelings, sayings it right, at the right time, leaving out stuff you know is not ok for the other… phew!
Can this be simple? Can i just say what I want and be understood exactly? i guess not.
Its not the method but the basic foundation that causes the problem … 2 individuals with 2 minds. “The human mind” a maze that no one has ever quite solved. It processes a mix of heart and head… and that calculation is Unique within each of us.
For now, I just try to not take everything so personal, be little less offended, listen a bit more & be myself. If all that does not suffice… i dont know what more I can do.
I realize now why they say ‘you need to work on it’. Its not just a saying, it is a practical effort that needs to be put in. In my previous relationships I was was younger and naive, I made an image, an idea of what I want and drove the other person crazy trying to match it. Now that I am bit older, I feel I still have an idea about how I want it to be, but now I realize that there is another person involved too, and his ways and wishes are as important as mine.
J and I had so many arguments over last few weeks, I took a week away from him to think things and that didn’t help too. He apologized and I accepted, but we didnt really make concrete decisions/agreements on what the problem was and how we should resolve it. I guess when its difficult to face that there is a problem, we avoid and run in each others arms for comfort, until the problem comes back again. And come back it did. For my birthday he planned a long weekend getaway, which was hinted by me many times, I loved that he did do it, but I got caught up with the idea of it being a total romantic thing, and having lots of awesome pictures to remember forever with. Somehow the Instagram or capturing the moment became more important that the moment itself. I snapped and was bitchy and made him cry, yes I was super bitch, and then heard what he was saying, which he was already saying for many times before, but I was not paying attention, coz i was caught up in my own fairy tale expectations.
We have some serious communication issues. I dont like his tone and how he reacts, its rude and hurtful, he does not like my getting upset way, like i flip completely and shut him out, it makes him feel he’s not good enough and gets insecure. This is tuff. He reacts like that all his life, how do I get him to change his way for me? And I always silence out and shut down when upset, its hard for me to talk in that moment and talk about how i feel.
This will take lot of work and sadly we realized this after lot of arguments and tears over my birthday weekend surprise gift.
The good thing is, we are both willing to work on it. We both want this to work. And keeping it real, all my dreamy airy expectations on living together and having a life together, seem so so far away. That being said, I am also not sure if Feb18 going to India with him is going to work. Top of my head reasons are : he is not totally open or up for it, I am stressed about making it good experience for him, & final and may seem stupid, but I would rather go when we have something confirmed, like engagement or wedding. it seems stupid to spend all the money and go and not have a big enough reason to it. And by the looks of how we are going, it seems it will be quite a while before we get to any life event.
This mid-month we will mark 1 year anniversary. Time flies uh!
Well here’s to keeping it real and working on it.Cheers!
If you ask me to describe my relationship with J I only have good and amazing things to say. He is loving and caring and always there for me. His family is great and my family likes him too.
But there are some things that have been bothering me.
His directness – which comes to me as rude behavior and also hurtful. It was not like this in beginning. He has normal reactions on smallest of things but they are very harsh and mean. Like he brushes me away if he does not like it, or if i hold him he reacts very badly. I know its not about me, its his normal way of acting, but such harsh gestures get me hurt and also shocked thinking ”Is this what I will have all my life?” Being talked to like this ? I am no angel and I can be mean to, but it is when you have a fight or argument. Not normal reactions. And yes I cuddle and am more affectionate than he likes, but that is showing my love, why would be react like this. It brings tears even writing this.
Things have changed – In the beginning, he was sweet to me and told me how lucky he was and adored me and he was very verbal about it. Now his actions show he cares and loves me, but i miss the words. I miss him looking at me deeply and saying how beautiful I am. I know I might be sounding stupid here, but I miss it. I have told him this and he takes it wrongly like he is not acting good now. It makes me feel sad. Maybe it is not real him to be so verbal and all the romantic stuff, but he showed me that side of him and i fell in love with that part of him too. ofcourse we become more comfortable and dont need to pretend, but i wish he said some sweet nothings. It used to light up my heart and make me smile all day.
Our differences in communication – often we are not able to understand each others perspective and this is very scary for me. I think we even have different expectations. I have fears from my past relationship that I delude myself of the problems in my relationship and ignore it till it blasts on my face. I dont want that again. I want to know and set correct goals and handle it. But somehow we dont communicate very clear for each other to understand.
I didnt mean this to be rant post, but my heart is breaking seeing the good slipping away and every effort I do to restore it makes it worse. If I cry i feel weak, but his actions are not ignorable. I keep hoping he will say something sweet or a compliment or look at me like he used to, but it doesnt and i feel so needy. Am i running after something unreal? is this how real relationships look like? I want a realtionship of hope and respect, where you nurture each other and not pin point each others faults. maybe i am pointing out what he does not do too much and need to change my perspective. i want this to work. he is a nice man just his ways of expressing and not expressing are making me turn into emotional overwhelmed person.
Life right now seems a little off-balance for me. There is nothing miserable so to say, but the pieces of puzzle seems at wrong places. You know like there is everything ok, but maybe the order is not right, or your own vision is not focused.
So here is an attempt to get the balance & swear to god, writing has always helped me clear my thoughts and my mind. It has been a friend making me aware of my own deep feelings that somehow get lost in the chaos of life.
Finances: To begin with a positive note – an achievement of a long goal for me. Finally paid all tuition fee for my brother. That is such a relief. It was biggest responsibility & fear. It was also my driving force as it kept me going in such difficult situations and I am so happy it is done. I am also excited about what path my brother chooses next & he has lots of options. What an exciting time for him – but he is also nervous.
Now I can save up for myself, for my future. I don’t have a saving plan or target though. I have never been good with keeping account and in the end I save what I save. But maybe its good to start with saving 2/3 of my monthly salary. It is a big amount, but i see its feasible as I still live in shared accommodation , don’t have any loans, no car or fuel cost. While I have the benefit of not having these obligations – best to save as much as possible now. 🙂
Health: Now this is a very important part that I wana focus energy on. In the beginning of the year I had it all together. I was working out with a friend/instructor, I was doing weights, I was seeing changes and finally was moving towards happy body image. But as the title of the post says, I lost balance, I started ordering in , missing sessions, moved gym so lost my gym instructor, with fam here I totally lost track and from then on it was spiral downwards. I have been binge eating all crap food, no workouts & dealing any emotion with food as comfort. I feel terrible, I dont like how I look, my clothes dont fit well & I feel worse for letting all my progress go down gutter.
here is what i wana do:
- change my lifestyle to eat healthy – this needs to be cured, emotions cannot drive my food habits anymore.
- Get my ass to the gym 5 times a week. Already bought a fitness program and will follow it with all my heart
- Remember i am doing this for me, to feel better, to feel in control, to feel and look how I love
Relationship: Things have progressed so much since we met. We met each others families, we went on vacation together, we went on vacation with each others’ families. A lot. We have also grown to know each other. Somehow I miss the charm of the beginning days to be honest. The admiration and importance I got. He still shows affection & importance but in a different way. We have had some challenges and we have sorted some and some remain work in progress. There is the idea of us buying a place together, but I want to wait a little. Not because I think we might not work, he is definitely the guy for me, but I have rushed into decisions before because they seemed so dreamy and cloud9, but the reality didnt match and it went ugly. I want to be make it right wiht J, I dont wana get into it with ideas & not be real. The thing is we still have some differences and I want us to work on them before we dive into being under same roof and tearing each other apart coz we did not resolve things. I want to face the tough part and not avoid it like i did before.
A few differences we already face: – i love travel and wana make impulsive plans, he is more practical on savings. -I wana get a big place with yard and all, he thinks its too much to put into. – when i share something with him on i failed or dont feel good about something, he approaches with solutions on how i can fix it, i just want him to listen to me. he does not think its helpful just to listen, he wants to point out what i did wrong and what i should work on. -I guess the main difference is, I am more sensitive and dreamy and wishy. He is practical and direct.
We have some things we decided to work on & I wana make sure we get our enery/rythm correct before we jump into legal stuff:
- I need to be little relaxed and not get offended and take everything so personally
- He needs to be more polite with me. direct is ok, but softer words would make it easy
- I need to find hobby and keep myself occupied and not wait on him for every free minute
- He needs to treat me more nicely, more supportive, listen, be there for me and dont point my mistakes in my face when im hurting.
Work: For the longest time in my life I have known that my chosen career (IT) is not my passion. It is not where my heart is, I dont enjoy it, its not something I wake up wanting to do. But I have managed it, since it served a lot of other purposes for me, travel abroad, save money, sent home money, settle abroad etc. But my current job has been most challenging job I have done so far. After almost 1 year here I now feel bit into place and know what i am doing and what I am supposed to do (a bit). I have had days I did not wana go to work & so bad that I faked sickness, considered breaking an arm would be nice to good to be stay away from work etc etc. It has been extreme. I have never hated a work environment so much. Or maybe I have but at the moment this was worse. About 2 weeks before I has a breakdown at work. This senior colleague was so rude and kept pushing me in a corner and finally I had a breakdown and cried. The situation was handled by conversations with my manager. Something does not feel right about me being there. And the more I say that the more it happens. The environment is so negative and where I am situated is one of the most harsh projects filled with blames/negativity – which totally repulses my personality -I lean on positive, I thrive on hope & it has been killing me to be there, as it mpacts me personally too much. I cannot start with saying how many nights I have slept with nightmares about work. I started applying for new jobs also. But those are similar roles, & there is no saying I would like it elsewhere.
The point is IT has been my career. I have only this experience to go for a job. But a better environment would be helpful. Maybe it is my attitude, but I need to be in more positive place. My plan is
- Chant for a job where I am happy & feel appreciated
- Keep applying for jobs
- Start my novel
Spiritual: I did start back on chanting but not so regular, I will start it regularly now and make it part of my lifestyle. the benefits are amazing and I have seen proof before, but more than that the positive aura and vibe it brings makes me much better person. It is one of the best things that happened to me and I will make all effort to keep it in my life.
Friendships/Family : Fam time has been done this year, with mom staying here and vacation with family I covered it all. I do miss my sister not visiting very frequently, as she changed her job, but she has to grow in her career and I think she did good.
Friendships are bit more complicated, my housemate P and I have not been so close since her husband is here. They are always together and I havent had a conversation with her at all. It also didnt help the husband annoyed me and i got irrtitated with him to point i avoided going out of my room. P lost her dad last week and it was really sad. I was away on vacation and she went to india for few weeks to be with her fam. I hope once she is back I can be a friend and support her through this loss. I have done this before, lose a friend coz i didn like her guy. but i think i need to learn this lesson and separate the two things. her husband is her choice and not mine to judge or accept. she is a wonderful person and I need to cherish her. also maybe make some girl time for us.
The other friend I already told was S who didnt invite me to her wedding. I had enough of feeling unwanted and decided to cut all threads there. I need to focus my energy and love on people who love me back. I feel relieved. And fact that she has not tried to contact me since her wedding- says it all.
- Im happy to make space and time for new friends.
- Speak to my sis more often, as she is not visiting me often anymore
- spend some time with J’s fam too
So thats what life is about at the moment. Lots to do and lots to achieve. hope all of you are enjoying life too! cheers!
Just a quick recap of where things and life is currently..
Mom has become quite independent here and I don’t worry about entertaining her constantly. She does her own thing in the day and in evening we have dinner together.
I also got back on my fitness plan, being regular at gym and eating good mostly.
I had a dispute with my flatmate and her husband and that makes me sad coz ever since her husband is here he is getting so annoying and I dont like that. I need to keep away from him. But also I loose the friendship with my flatmate.
All is well with J and me. We hangout with my mom and spend time alone too. He is sweet and caring. Sometimes I bring up stuff which has no relevance to at the moment status for us, like having kids, and that make me think if I am trying to sabotage the relationship subconsciously. But it does worry me. I dont know what kind of life I want and that is scary. What if we want different things ?
We have been talking about living together and I wana buy my own place, but he wants to buy something with me, and that would mean he sells his apartment first and god knows how long that will take. So my work permit is being renewed and that is going to also be a waiting factor.
I am also waiting on a job response and that could change some stuff up, if and when I switch. depends on how contract is and then mortgage stuff.
another thing is J thinks i complain a lot these days – well I think a lot and then express my thoughts, but he takes it like complaints. well some are complaints. earlier he used to woo me, say sweet somethings, treat me like princess, now he shows in different way less flattering, it become more complacent between us, usual life, everyday stuff to be around each other. before he would always ask for my time and now he asks but knowing i am here. ofcourse it can never stay like a new relationship mode, but i miss being treated like he is crazy about me you know. but he wants to live with me and have a life together, so that says a lot too, just in different way.
A trip to india was planned for this october for me, but now I dont want to go. Reasons:
im not at my best fit shape – and criticism back home from aunts n uncles will only do me harm
i already spent time and money with fam here – what new to do it again
i am a bit weird and need to be left alone – cannot stay with family for longer time anymore
I told my aunt about my boyfirend J non indian and I will get bulk of questions on when i get married, why not now, why wait. they dont understand being in a relationship vs getting married – its 2 different things.
thats it. so i cancel my trip to india and stay here instead. J & I will go next year though for my brothers graduation and I am looking forward to that.
Another thing that happened was this old friend of mine S, she didnt invite me to her wedding saying very few ppl are invited and then i see pictures of her invited bunch of foreign people. well too bad if she does not take me in her good friends list, so i chucked her out of my friends list too ,. literally from FB too. no regrets there. I need to value people who value me. thats it.
thats what life is like right now… cant complain … ok can maybe a bit. 😉
New Phase 