My experiences in this new phase of my life

back to being single!

After all the hurt and pain and tears and doubts, I made the decision. To be happy! To be single!

It hurt like crazy, it was bad, so so bad. I cried my eyes off, thinking what went wrong, why is asking me to change, I am not the person he is seeking, why is this so difficult, were we never happy…and so many more hurtful emotions.

I cried and cried, on my birthday, remembering all the plans we had made (or maybe I had made in my mind). …………

We have different way of thinking and that will never be resolved. I met him and broke up. He said I was making a mistake and I said its the right thing to do. We can fight all our life, but its better we end it now and move ahead.

I am still not over him, it may take lot of time and I still love him, but we don’t belong together and accepting it was hard.

Sometimes when I am emotional, like right now, it is making me thinking about why we broke up (or I did). But when the real life questions are posed we don’t agree on them.

I cant be scared of if I will find anyone else or not. I need to get over him and make peace with this fact.

In a funny way his mother is still at the root of it all. She did break us up, bring all our differences that we were avoiding to surface. I think we had know we were meant to be together, we would have accepted it in front of the world. Gotten engaged, families would have met, post about the relationship on facebook (we did a little not much). But that was missing.

I am a strong person and have strong views, more importantly I want o drive my own life and not let it be adjusted or compromised.

I spoke to my old school friend today, and she said I should think again about it, she said you dont find people easily who love you and every marriage has compromise. Well its more than that, its trying to match something that does not.

I dont want to become someone im not, i cant promise it either.

its a very tough decision.

i saw him today at work and felt like reaching to him and hugging him. of course i didnt!

it will take time for this love to fade away and to make place for someone else. maybe even years. but i cant just accept everything because i cant bear to think what will happen otherwise. it cannot be driven by need, it should be acceptance for each other and our differences.

maybe i am also not accepting his differences and hoping /wanting he will think differently. but he cant change who he is and i cant who i am.

i am so surprised us being together for so long did not bring this difference up earlier. it only popped when real life decisions were to be made.

so now i am single and on my own. but i still dont like to say it out loud ”that we broke up”

The other day at gym a guy asked me this and i hesitated and said ”its complicated”. it is not practically, but emotionally yes, because I am not single emotionally, I am not available emotionally, i am still in love with him.

At work no one knows about out break up, people still make reference to him as my boyfriend/husband and I stay quiet. i don’t want to say those words and correct them. at some point i have to, but not now.

For now i focus on myself, my fitness, my health, my peace.

I hope it gets better with time!

How do you remove the negative & see positive?

I met V yesterday. Ever since we spoke on the phone I have been thinking about what he said that ”I sound so negative about everything” and kept thinking maybe I should meet him and ask him what he is thinking about and especially what positive things?

Before he came, I sat there looking at pictures of US on my phone, I have been doing that a lot, for some reason I need to see them to believe it existed, we were happy and then I try to remember the day we took that picture, most of times I realized we had an argument that day, although the pictures show us smiling and in love. What was the truth I begin to think? Were we ever happy?

The most happy times since we started living together,  I remember is us travelling to work together in metro, I would always snuggle to him and he was always telling me not to be so affectionate publicly, he was never comfortable with that. I was happy then. To have him by my side. To hold his hand. To go back home together.

But once we were back at home, I was always very irritated with having to make food, or doing anything. I don’t know why. It always seemed like a burden to me.

Like now, when I cook for myself, it is so easy,  I don’t have specific requirement, ofcourse health wise I”m not eating healthy things,but they are easy to make and eat. It is such a relief.

He only feels full with a full Indian dinner, which takes so much time and man I don’t like to do that everyday. It would ofcourse be rude to only cook for myself and leave him to make his own, so I used to cook his choice of food (with him) most of time.

It seems silly but it was such a being strain on our relationship. At least for me.

Apart from that when were we happy? A few trips, where we did not discuss any serious matters, other wise we would always end up arguing and fighting.

Did I feel appreciated in that relationship? Sometimes.

Did I appreciate him? Yes sometimes.

What did we miss.?

I think we never got around to resolving our differences and we do have lot of them.

When we met he said some nice things, about how he will promise me to put 110% effort to make sure we don’t go back to India. But what is his 110% ? He said that when we fought that I have tried and I want to go back. Is he going against what he really wants or does he really want this?

He said he will forget all the bad things I said and did and not hold that against me. I can’t forget it all. That is the trouble I am having. Do I not want this to work? Have I given up on US? Have I already decided in my heart and am not ready to say it loud?

There are 2 situations that keep playing in my mind:

  1. Life without him, life as is now. I own my time, freedom and life. In time the hurt will go away and I will meet someone new and move on. But it also scares me what if I dont? What if there is nothing else for me? I am 30 already, I know it is not about age and settling, but to me I never imagined being 30 and single. Hell , i never imagined living till 30 either.
  2. The second is going back with him, make that indian dinner everyday, getting married at some point, struggling or maybe peacefully resolving our differences. Accepting that he has old fashion thoughts. That his family is so old fashioned and always ask me to behave certain way (not myself ofcourse). Trusting him again with my heart, trusting he will be fair and honest this time, trusting him and me can have a good life despite our so many differences. The problem is I cant gather the trust, I have nothing to go by to build it. I cannot erase the images of what happened, how broken I was.

Why can I not think positive about him and me? Why dont I see that option of being happy with him ? Am I that broken? If I can imagine being with another person and finding happiness then why not with him?

To say the least, I didn’t sleep very well yesterday, slept late and woke up with some troubled thoughts. He has that effect on me. I have been sleeping well for 3 weeks now (since we separated) but this discussion took away my peace again.

I was feeling happy and it all made me sad.

Maybe I know the truth and just cant accept that it is over. Maybe I dont have energy to make this work and I am choosing the easy option.

Too much … and too much negative I am afraid!

When I’m hurt..I hurt right back!

This is one of my behavior traits that has existed with me for long time now. I know about it, I try to control it, but it does not completely go away. That is how I deal with pain and hurt, but hurting people right back. When truly all my heart wants is the person who hurt me would come and say sorry and tell me I mean something to them.

It is happening with V too. I am distant from him, aloof, show no emotions and I know it hurts him. But he hurt me too, by being closest to me and then turning his back on me. It was the worst! When I remember the day I first broke down from his cold and distant behavior, I feel scared that it will happen again, that he will leave me when I need him most, that I will break to pieces and not be able to put myself together again. I lost all sense of control that day, I cried in middle of the street for hours, I felt betrayed and worthless, it felt like I was thrown out of his life without a thought, like I meant nothing to him. It broke me, so bad.

I still cannot gather the trust that he will not do that again. That I will be his everything like he was mine.

And so, I take a 100 steps back from him, I keep myself and my emotions safe, where he cant hurt me. But doing so hurts him. Well, it is what it is. I love with all my heart and soul , so when you break that heart and hurt my soul, I move away as far as I can.

We spoke over phone last weekend and he said what I was thinking about. My thoughts were all the same, still reeking of hurt and pain, I told him you cant change me to love me, and he was surprised by how negative I felt. Maybe I do need to keep these feelings aside and then look at the situation differently.

He said he is no more thinking about what happened and is looking at how we can make it work. That is so hard for me to believe or do. I can’t forget the past. I don’t know if I can forgive him either.

Is that stupid? To not forgive?

Maybe I just need more time to heal.

I keep feeling like he is not right for me and that I will not be happy with him, but I don’t know if those feelings are coming from the hurt and pain I cant let go of, or are these my true feelings.

What works between us:

  1. He is easy going person in general (except for food peculiar stuff)
  2. We do enjoy travelling together
  3. I was able to talk to him about most of things (most). I was very comfortable with him.
  4. I felt loved and trusted him completely (before )
  5. He is good with my family, gels well with them (again before)

What does not work between us:

  1. He comes from different beliefs, especially regarding women and their place in society. I am quite an independent and forward thinking woman.
  2. He does not take his own decisions  & I don’t let anyone else drive my life decisions.
  3. Family is his priority, for me progress in life is important, which I believe makes me stronger to fulfill on family priorities.
  4. We have very different set of friends and socializing circles.
  5. I don’t feel motivated by him, only restricted. Can’t say what he thinks about it.

Maybe it is true that ”Sometimes ONLY love is not enough to make a life together”.

Never change yourself for anyone !

I read this great article on Tiny Buddha (if you have not heard about it, it’s a great motivational site with stories and lessons from various people) and it had one line which struck me most

”If someone wants to be in your life, you shouldn’t have to change anything about yourself to keep them.”

It does not mean you don’t improve yourself, grow as person or mature, you do, but the core person that you are, your beliefs, you happiness, your thoughts…that is the person you need to be true to.

I tried to change, tried to forget myself, unknowingly, giving everything that I had to ”not let this relationship break”’, but how true was I ? Do you have to feel guilty for being yourself, doing what you like, finding happiness in any way you want? No, no one should.

I may love V but the truth is he wants someone who is not me, and I cant change myself and become someone I am not. My thoughts, my beliefs, my dreams these are not as what he wants from life. I tried so hard, so so hard to hide that difference, to be there with him all the time, to make it go away, to believe that us being together will bring me happiness, but it didn’t. If you are not happy with yourself, no one else can make you happy. I love to be loved but not at the cost of losing myself into someone else’s beliefs, dreams and life.

It is hard for me to accept this. But it also make me strong.

He is a good person, but I deserve to be cherished the way I am. We all do!

I thought I would be drowning in tears, feeling beat and lost, but I underestimated my strength, something which I take from my father I like to believe. I am actually doing great! I am reflecting on what my heart truly wants, I am exploring new ideas, I am practicing positive thinking, I am growing and feeling free.

Seriously! I feel so free, so unrestricted, so relieved, so peaceful with myself. I can see unlimited possibilities now. With V the future I saw had limitations, boundaries, a life where I don’t belong, where I don’t want to be. A life without the zest that I enjoy so much, without the hopes of being ”more”, with being just as everyone has been and is expected to be.

I am not that person. I can’t live to be what everyone has and is expected to be. I am different, I am unique! If anyone sees my being different as a problem, it could not be more clear that we are not right for each other.

Hurt and pain may come from letting this go, but I will direct this hurt to grow stronger and clearer in life, this pain will only make me stronger and make me cherish that strength of standing for myself, for having the faith in my dreams. It will empower me this experience.

So my dear friends, when someone says that you need to change for them to love you, know that there is nothing wrong with you, you are perfect! The things people want to change in us are the things they are afraid or intimated by. You will find someone who loves all these different and unique qualities that make you YOU! And I will too.. I know! :)


It is funny how time with yourself makes you realize what you feel deep down inside. I have a lot of time for myself. And now I am beginning to realize my feelings. A friend came to visit me on weekend and I told her about what all has happened between V and me and as I was telling her, I broke down. It brought back all the hurt and pain that I had felt. All the betrayal and lies. I kept saying I don’t know how I landed here, how V and I never saw our differences before. About how his mother caused me so much grief in my life.

What she said was quite different, she said that there will always be situations in life and troubles, but how you both stand together in the situation is what matters. If it was not his mother, then it would be some other big problem, but if you cannot stand by each other in difficult times, or even accept each other the way they are, then it says more about the relationship and not the external factors.

Something about Buddhism she said, maybe his mother was protection for you. Weird to even say, but she meant maybe her being here and us realizing our differences was a way of protecting me from much more hurt and pain in my future.

I met some friends over weekend and it seemed like I had missed quite a few events with them (when I was V). I was an anti social. I was only wanting to be with him. And I was not focusing on myself. I am not talking of being selfish, but I was restricting myself to him. He never did ofcourse. I didnt feel like working out, I didnt want to cook or eat healthy. I wasn’t caring about myself and trying to drown myself with mindless things and eating crap, so I wouldn’t have to feel anything.

Over the weekend I also had lot of time for myself. Nothing to do. Just be. I never got that time with V. I was consious of chanting with him around, didnt play guitar, didnt blog. It seemed like I was hiding parts of me from him. Not because he is mean or anything, just I didn’t feel comfortable.

This is me. Active, fit, eating healthy, working with concentration, creative, meeting friends sometimes. This is who I am.

With V over last few months, I was lazy as hell, not interested in work, not caring about what I put in my mouth, not socializing and not giving myself time for recreation.

I know it is not him to blame, but it does say something about our relationship. About how I was untrue to myself, about how I became someone I don’t recognize.

Maybe it is not just with him, it is my bad trait to not be myself around others. But I need to work on that. Figure out.

For now, I like where I stand. I like this freedom and sense of relief. I miss him ofcourse. But I like being me.

Day 3 – Alone

We moved out on Tuesday morning and it felt so weird that day. For some strange reason I didn’t cry at all, I tried, yes I did, cause it felt bad, but not the bringing me to tears bad. Maybe I have cried too much over all of it, so now it does not have that impact on me.

I went to leave few bags at new place and then went to work. Went to gym after work to keep my mind occupied  & also I started a new fitness goal so I HAD to go to gym. Went to new place after gym around 8:30pm and just arranges a few things in my room (which was cluttered with packed bags all over) and ate some eggs n bread.

It felt horrible! but still not enough to make me cry. I felt like how V has made my life hell and I have to go through all this because of him.

After dinner, I got talking to one of the girls who shares the apartment, we talked just about other things and she is younger than me, new to the country and has lots to talk about. It was nice to not think about me, my situation and just listen to someone else.

It made me realize that I have been so aloof from interacting with people. I hardly communicated with anyone new, only the small group at work and few friends.

It was nice to talk. V and I watsap’d a few times, asking how we were feeling and how is it going. He went to sleep early since he was not well. I chatted with roomie till 12am. She did ask me where I lived before and why I left and I was not comfortable sharing the whole story so I just told her a lie, that the house being rented to someone else and we didn’t find another house.

It was quite late so went to sleep, which was not very restful.

The second day was little better, a little bit more settled, went back home  after work and went for a run (pushed myself to go harder too). Came back had some food, arranged my room a bit, so I don’t need to jump over bags while moving around. It felt ok. better.

Did I miss V ? Not really. I thought about him and msgd him, but miss-miss…like feeling so bad and crying. No not at all.

Somehow I feel like I used to when I was living in shared apartment and V was in Norway. Maybe its my memory of how to behave and stay that is making it very normal for me.

I miss my old home though. The space to myself. The comfort of a kitchen arranged myself. hmmm…that I miss a lot!

Also it is getting bit chilly in the weather, and I usually miss home at these times. But my sister will be visiting around my birthday so I am happy. When I told V this (before we separated) he said that is why you are not making plans with me, that is so bad, the way he said it and it shows how he thinks about me. It felt hurtful. Its not healthy to hurt each other like this.

I feel good, to get back to focusing on myself, having my time to myself. Not sure what I will do with so much time though, maybe weekend will make me realize, but I like being able to do my things without worrying about what he wants and when he wants. Workout when I want, eat when I want, sleep when I want. Its nice!

Maybe that says something about how I feel about separating. But it too soon to make a decision. So I stay put, focus on my new fitness goals and realize my goals before I go home to India in December. I also need to be clear about V and me, before I leave for home.

A lot to take, but I am okay.

Being on my own

The coming weekend I move out, we move out. We leave our love nest and separate to being on our own. It feels so emotional to think about separating, but I know it is important for me and him too. Maybe we jumped into being together too fast, maybe we should have led separate lives before deciding we want to live together.

I have found a place and he has too. Mine is shared flat with some other working girls. It’s not the company I wanted (its indian girls) but then maybe I’m just acting out on my fears or bad past experiences – of indians girls being too nosy, irritating and manipulative. But this is little different situation, each have their own room (thank god, I can’t even imagine having to share with anyone) & we cook separately, again a big relief as I am not at all in the mood to do cooking duties and grocery together. Also because I am starting my 3 month training program I want to be responsible for my food and that will definitely not match with others (usual india food). But the place is convenient to travel to/from and also in my budget, so I am happy. It is actually the same house that I lived in December 2014 temporarily, when I hadn’t got the keys to new house, which sadly becomes the old house.

About V and me, we keep questioning why we are separating, especially because it is so good together, but we both know the big questions and decisions are where we are both at opposite ends. And then there are other things which need work, between us.

Somedays(like today) I just cant wait to get away from him and start my alone life. I want to get away from him as soon as possible. It makes me kind of feel relief to think that and the reason is that it will be a concrete decision and no more a confusion state. I am tired of being confused and not knowing.

I met a friend yesterday and she said, well, maybe you do know what to do, but you keep telling yourself you dont to avoid that. Maybe she is right. I do know in my heart what is it that I want and cause it is too difficult to do, act on, so I avoid it and say I am confused.

V keeps saying that we should be in contact after we separate, but I dont agree. What is point of separating if we keep hanging out together. We want to separate to think how life will be without each other and if we want that or not. Also to think about our differences and if we can come to a common point on them.

I keep thinking about I will never find someone as easygoing as him. He doesn’t  have too many quirks or airs, he is simple and nice. But then also not so open in his thoughts, so conservative about how things SHOULD BE.  But is that reason enough to stay with someone, that you wont find anybody as easygoing as them. I think not.

What will my life be when we are apart? I know what the daily life will be, but its more about what fun will it be, what will I aspire towards, what will I look forward to. Something will be missing.

Also I think about if we break up and I meet a new person, he may also have some thoughts/habits that I dont agree to or like. Will I keep breaking up with people then?

Does loving someone not include accepting the parts that you dont love? But what separates the points which you can accept and which you cannot live with. The deal breakers. I guess only I can tell that.

But I dont feel like answering that question. The responsibility , the heartbreak, the aftermath that comes with answering it is too heavy for me. Although the current state of confusion is killing as well.

I feel we should not be in contact for 2 months, think about it, do our own things, and after 2 months meet and talk about what we have thought.

For now, I am looking forward to being on my own, I need the space and air, to not be attached, to be free.


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