My experiences in this new phase of my life

My very first solo vacation !

I am back from America. This was my very first solo vacation and it was so fantastic!

I went to New York, Vegas, Grand Canyon, LA, San  Jose & SFO. Amazing !

It was a little scary at first but then I got in the groove, walked around cities, explored so much and had amazing time.

I met 2 friends at pit stops and that too was fun. Especially seeing them with children of their own now. As mothers. It amazed me how they were doing that job..of a mom!

The trip was so great. New York was fantastic. I have only seen it in movies and wanted to go there ever since I knew I wanted to travel. And I was there. I kept saying ”I cant believe I am here”. It was fantastic.

I didn’t like Vegas. Maybe it was timing, I was there on weekday or the fake ambiance, but it didn’t appeal to me one bit. Good thing it was only a stopover for me.

The Grand canyon was…. well …Grand. You feel so tiny when you see the amazing structure around you. Its magnificent.

LA was my favorite. Its city like but also lots of free space. It has small hills and curvy roads and lots of people doing their thing. I loved it. I also got my tattoo from LA ink.:)

San Jose was fun as I stayed with my college time friend. she has a husband and a kid. So different to see her in this family and new life.It did ease out the thought that kids are a pain also. She handles the baby so well and he is also very relaxed and not clingy.

San Francisco was fun too. Its a small city with so many tourists.

All in all it was a fabulous vacation and I had best time. I did not mind being alone and I certainly enjoyed the freedom to do whatever the hell I want.

I wish I could elaborate more on the trip, but today is just not the day to do so.

 

Have a great day all of you!!

 

 

Gratitude Rocks & more…

If someone would have told me last week how positive I would be feeling this weekend and today, I would have ignored it completely. But this is exactly how it is. I feel so positive and energized and excited.

A few things I did have led to this happy high:

-I found a new fitness goal. The one I love. The one I want to give my 200% for. The one I WILL achieve.

-I started reading the book ”The Magic” by Rhonda Byrne. Well technically not reading but seeing you tube video. If you have not watched it or ”The Secret” THEN YOU MUST! It is a life changer. The first book tells about the concept of how our thoughts align out reality. The second book shows practical ways to use the law of attraction. I am loving it.

-I drove a lot this weekend. And am so confident now that I can drive in USA.Also the thought of USA (now only 2 weeks away) is making me superrrr excited.

-I have gotten over my ex. Completely. How do I know? I feel a sense of relief and lightness. I don’t think about how it was, what went wrong, what will become of me. I know I will be great and find my life partner. A few ago i met my ex and the conversation & email ended with me telling him that I have let him control my happiness and sadness for a long time and I take that control back now. And I did exactly that. Somehow magically saying those words made me do that.

-I will meet my sister this weekend in London. We are going to have so much fun. Really looking forward to it.

-In one of the road trips I did over weekend, I went to a small hill and up to a cave, although the cave was closed, I found my Gratitude Rock(s) and also collected more for my friends and my sis:). This is very special because when I started reading ”the magic ” book I saw on day 2 I would need gratitude rocks and thought to myself where will I find them. And then we went to the caves and there they were. Literally appeared before me. It was MAGIC! magic that I created.

-I am thanking and showing gratitude every morning for all the wonderful things I have in my life.

Thank you again Universe. Thank You!

 

P.S Watch the you tube for ”The Secret”. It is so worth the time!

 

 

 

A long time dream – NY

I have wanted to go to new york for a long time now. Its been a dream. And finally in 2 weeks I will be going.

I checked my blog(s) to see how long before has I started this dream / wish.

2009 – go to New York
2010 – move to New York
2011 – My apartment in New York is amazing.
2012 – go to New York

imagine….that… after 7 years I am going to LIVE THIS DREAM!:)

If that is not exciting then what the hell is???

P.S just trying to cheer myself up.😉

Where am I headed now?

I feel lost somehow, all the excitement and all the energy is somehow slow since last week. What triggered it? Well the meeting with my ex V as one bummer.

I decided to cut that energy line, no more energy or time or thoughts will be wasted in that direction. Either reflecting on how things were, on why they went wrong or anything to do with him.

It is not easy, let me tell you. Even though we have been apart for 6 months or so, it is not easy to cut that line.

And so I started stress eating. Not something I want to, but its what I jump at. I have been eating all food that I like, chips and chocolate and sugar stuff and it makes me feel yyuukkk. Its not making me feel better. So that has to stop. I skipped gym 2 days and also skipped weekend run, not proud of that either. But I have to remind myself to not let 1 bad day turn into a bad week and then into a bad month.

And also 1 bad week will not take away my effort of 7 weeks. So yesterday  I went to gym, felt better, but when I got home I ate some nutella. not so good there.

I am feeling little lost now. What to do next? What is my next plan? My next goal? What am I doing day in and out? What am I doing this for?

Its not like me, but it is a dip and I will need all my strength to pull myself out of it. And I will.

I have some great things planned for coming weeks and there is trip to UK to meet my sister and then US solo trip. But still why this slow dip phase?

All I can say is ”Im hanging in there.”.

 

 

 

 

Waiting for a new start..

In the past few days I have been thinking a lot about my ex V, I even saw a dream where we were back together and I was crying with happiness, he was too. We were both so happy to be together again.

This dream shook me up. What the hell is happening? I spent days looking at his watsapp profile and facebook pics, and then I blocked him at both places. And yet I am thinking about him, missing him if I may say & at the same time trying so hard to make a connection with some new person.

I am trying hard. Really. It should not be so hard.

Maybe that is a problem, I am pushing myself to find someone else & thinking that a new person will help me get over V. Will it?

I can stay single for a while and enjoy my freedom, but then why do I miss having someone by my side, why do I look at pictures of us together, why do I need to remind myself of how much pain this person has given me and tell myself to no think about him.

I am so scared that no one will ever be part of my life like he was. No one could ever blend with me, accept me, and make me feel as loved as he did.

I cant help but think ”Did i make a mistake?” I know the answer is NO, but the question existing itself makes me confused.

I am talking to someone, he is doctor in US, decent looking, but I didn’t feel the connect. But I continue to force myself to talk/chat with him, thinking I have give someone a chance. I need to make that space available again. I need to learn to make new memories.

But it is so hard or am I making it hard.

Sometimes I wish V would already get engaged or have another girlfriend, that would give me a jolt and make me move ahead.

Is there a new start for me somewhere? Is there someone out there for me who will love me and take care of me and be everything I want and need?

 

I am waiting for a new start…I want to believe…. I’m not broken & I can learn to love again!

Some lyrics from Pink…Just give me a reason

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It’s in the stars
It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

 

 

Why do I want to see him ?

Him, the man who broke my trust, my love, my heart, why do I want to take a glance at him? Only because I know he is around?

Last I saw him was on a work meeting and from where I sat I could see him, I looked at him a lot, he didn’t look or was pretending not to, I just wanted to see how he is doing, is he sad? is he ok? does he look my way?

And then I didn’t see him for a week or more. He was online at work, so I knew he was here. But why was he hiding from me?

We go to same canteen at same time. He is not coming to the gym branch that I go to. He is clearing hiding.It was troubling me so much.I don’t know why. Where is he? Him hiding means something is going on. He is on an agenda or up to something. Maybe he already has someone new in his life and does not want to face me.

I almost pinged him yesterday on office chat. But didn’t. I reminded myself of everything that had been bad and how hurt I was and maybe somewhere still am.

I need to recover to a point where it does not matter to  me anymore, where HE does not matter to me anymore. Does that ever happen? Will that ever happen?

I am tired of this constant fight within myself, this game of hide and seek.

What I really wish to do is, look at him from a distance and see how he is doing. Just observe him and reflect back and let it all go for once and all.

I saw him today, I made an effort to see him today. I know his manager and wanted to ask her something, so I went to her desk. I knew he would be sitting near her somewhere near her. I could have spoken on phone also, but I chose to walk up there. He saw me. I saw him. We did not make eye contact. But I saw him. And there was a sense of relief.

Why? I’m not sure.

To see him ok. I think I still care for him. I still love him. But I need to stop. Remember the pain.

What do I expect from looking at him. I need to move on.

The more I think about it the more I think  a fling, a rebound would be so nice for me at the moment. And then I think what  a stupid way to get over someone. But will it help or make it worse.

Well nothing can be worse than what I’ve been through because of HIM. I need to let it be. JUST LET IT BE.

2016..what are you waiting for?

Another year on the calendar and so another chance to make changes, to choose better , to live more and be happier.

I never ever imagined that this is where I would be in 2016. And that has both sad and happy feelings.

I never thought:

-I would be single when I am 30.😦

– I would be living in shared accommodation with other people (not that I complain):)

-I would be living in Amsterdam:)

-I would be practicing Buddhism:)

-I would be so strong and making decision of my life:)

-I would be growing and learning about myself so much:)

– I would be a fitness addict:)

-I would still be dealing with loosing weight😦

-I would color my hair red:)

-I would be travelling to US by myself and driving a convertible.:) (still not done, but with all bookings done I am counting it in)

-I would make friends who are double my age and would be so supportive and encouraging and lovely:)

 

It is so amazing to see where life brings you, or you bring your life, however you want to put it. I read today a great quote, ”I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to be.” What an amazing way to define yourself. Of course we all face adverse situations in life and struggles and battles, but what defines you is not the situations that occurred, you become your own person by making the choices and decision you do in those situations. That is what makes you and defines your character.

2015 was such a long year for me, starting on a high note and ending on a broken string (some reference to my guitar love). But nevertheless I learnt a lot this year, I grew a lot this year and I do not regret any of it. Yes  I could have done without the heartbreak and pain, but then again, if those were not there, would I have know how strong and determined I am? Would I have realized I can stand on my own and love myself and my choices. I guess not. With every experience there is a lesson to be learnt and I can say that I did learn few of them. As I write all this, I also realize I am open to change and improvement so much now. Not all my decisions were right and not all my actions made me proud, but I accept that, and am willing to change certain things and learn to be better, practice to do better. And that makes me feel proud. Arrogance leaves no space for growth, and that is one thing that I do not want to stop doing ever.

Learn, grow, improve!

Also it is time to reflect back on how my 2015 goals turned out:

1. Physical fitness BEST SHAPE EVER– This did not happen. I fell off my health plan and kind of ruined my shape and efforts so far. Had a lot to do with stress I was dealing with but around October I am back on my plan and doing better.

2. Savings – This happened. Partially.

3. Involve more in Buddhism –I did complete this. I did Grade1 exam and passed. I also ready books and shared with other friends about Buddhism. 1 shakabuku this year.:)

4. Career – Not done last year. But this year the focus is back.

5. Connect more with Family – I did. I went home for 1 month. Will continue this too.

6. Be Polite – Partially done. Still needs work.

7. Make friends – Not until last year. But beginning of this year I am becoming a Social kitty! And not with fake people, genuinely wanting to interact with more people.:)

8. Early to Bed & Early to Rise – Partially. Not 100%.

9. Give time to 1 hobby – Did not. This year I have thought of which hobby I want to go for though😉

And now it is time to sit and think about what I want to achieve this year. 2016. It is going to be a great year I have a feeling and I have every intention to make that feeling turn into reality. Next post will be on 2016 Goals.


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