I realize I’m an adult when I need to make these important decisions, where I will live, where will I work, how will I spend my money. And then there is more, what contraceptive method do I prefer, do you want kids, do you want to settle in a country where you dont know the language.
Its all so much. I am not ready to answer these big questions. I dont know when I will be.
The fact that I want to live in Amsterdam came from having a safe life than in India. Living in freedom. But I never considered of what all I was willing to give up for this. I am alone here. Irrespective of how many friends, I dont have family here. I know it will pinch me when I need them. Also I am not there for them and that is another big big sacrifice. I also never thought not knowing the language would be such a trouble, until I start looking at the permanent things, like buying a house, having a car and then everything is in local language. Phew! exhausting !
Another thing is any financial or banking business I have in India, I need to rely on my sister to get it done. It is bad that I have to ask her for it, knowing she is super busy with work and supporting my mom.
It all so overwhelming ! I am thinking much ahead and it makes me think is this what I want?
I dont know.
For now leasing a car seems to be biggest struggle for me.
Buddha said ”expectation is the root cause of all our pain”.
Is that true though, that we cause ourselves pain but setting expectations. If I think of scenarios where I was in pain some where indeed driven by what I wanted and expected and then outcome being different. But some of course are not in our hands, like the pain of losing a loved one.
As my relationship with J evolves I learn that I do keep certain expectations from him, but I am more open to understanding his part as well.We come from different cultures, and while it is all exciting, it also brings its challenges. Something does not feel right, I cant put my finger on it but something is off. We maybe have different definitions of love and for me it means going all in and diving in with my heart and soul, while for him it means something different. He keeps a distance between us and that makes me uncomfortable. A little formal, like not assuming he is always available or will move his plans for me etc.
There was a discussion that my roomie and her to-be-husband will be back after marriage and then I said I can stay at J’s for a week or two. He however thought I needed to ask him first before I made such a statement.
I guess to me, ‘whats mine is yours’ comes naturally and openly because I have only known that, love without boundary, and its not only for him but also for me. Like when I think if he ever wanted to come and stay with me I would be ecstatic and I would make everything possible to make it comfortable for him. He maybe had some bad past experience and hence keeps me a hand distance away. He maybe just protecting himself but it hurts me. It makes me feel I am way more into this than he is, I am way more in love, in deep and way more his, than he is mine.
I don’t know if I can adjust to this limited love. It’s not about me owing him, but I want to be someone’s everything and them to be mine. Its a little worrisome to me that I might walk away if he does not let me in. He loves me yes, but I am expecting him to love me all the way and not just the safe way. I am risking myself too in this and till now he only sees how comfortable I am with everything, because I didn’t show him anything else.
But maybe I need to be honest here as well. While he expects me not to assume things which is right, I need to make him aware of what I expect and he needs to take a step towards me too. Love isn’t easy, it needs work and I know that now. I have kept expectations but not put in the work and bared the scars. I will not repeat the mistakes again and I want it to be clear between us how and what we expect from each other.
”Time will tell how much I love you”
Hello lovely blog of mine. So here I am on 1st January 2018. Its not a typo, it is on purpose. Its something I do, write the goals as if they are actually achieved, feel the happiness and joy of achieving it and let that energy go into the universe, to reflect back as a reality in your life.
Also my tradition has been to pick a word for the year. My word is ACHIEVE. This year I will achieve everything I have dreamed of and more.No more wishing, its all about achieving this year. Which also means that I ‘give it my all’, 200% , no excuses, no hold backs, no doubts. Everything is here and this is the time. Go all the way.
- I received a cheque for 1 million euros. Oh my god! this actually happened.. It was like a dream but real. I did so much with the money, got my mom a home in India, invested for my sister some savings, invested for myself and my brother too. Traveled, opened a business, and did some charity.
- I published my novel and it was huge success. It is an international bestseller and I am so happy. I always knew I have a great writer in me, and I believed in myself and made dedication to work on it and it was so fruitful.I am starting on my second novel now.
- I achieved my dream body, lean & mean. I have 15% body fat and great curves, a flat stomach. Toned muscled and great strength and stamina. I eat well and workout hard. I love my body and respect it.
- I have traveled so much this year and so many continents & all sponsored. So not a single penny spent by me.
- I started my travel blog and it is such a huge success.
- I figured what I wanted to do in my life and am doing that everyday.
- I have a great partner. I love him and learn so much from him. He makes me wanna be better and is so supportive.I am so happy to have him in my life. He makes me feel secure and safe and is crazy about me. I love him so much.
- I challenged myself to be a leader in SGI and became one. It feels so nice to be able to help and bring new people.
- I feel I have grown so much as a person. Also made more amazing friends this year.
A year of Achievement for me it truly has been. 🙂
So, as tradition of new year is, I wrote my goals for 2016 last year and the year has ended, so its time to see how I did.
- Done –I traveled to USA and that too alone, that crosses off 2 things on my bucket list.
- Done –I did sky diving, it was such a thrill and amazing experience.
- New job with pay raise Done, love it? don’t know yet, but it is definitely challenging me a lot-I got a job I love and pays me good. I love going to work and give 100% everyday. It is such a nice feeling to do what you love everyday.
- Definitely Done. I found my new passion to do weight training and did 100kg deadlift. Wohoo! More to conitnue in 2017. –I have finally found my balance in health. I got my food habits in control and have a great fitness routine. I love the person and body that reflects in the mirror. And also mentally I am so fit. I started yoga and love it.I also fit into all my previous clothes and intent to keep it that way.
- Can’t believe this happened too -Done. I am so in love with J, he is amazing and whenever I start squeezing into the US & WE zone, he pushes me back to think about myself and I so need that. I love him –I have found love. I didnt think it was possible anymore after my last relationship, or atleast would take me ages to find a connection. But I did meet someone and I did find love and respect. I am so happy to be with him. I am my own person and also with him. It is perfect balance, I am individual and them with him. And we want the same things in life, making it such a pleasure. He likes to read and travel (like me) and then we have different interests too and we exchange thoughts and learn from each other and grow. It is truly a bliss.
- In progress. I have this on my this years list. 🙂 –I have bought a house in Amsterdam. It is nice to own something and make it your own. I love my space and makes me feel so grown up.
- I did start reading headlines. BBC app helps. 😉 –I listen to news everyday. And am so aware the world around me. No more ignoring it.
- I have been practicing, but can definitely do more. Shakabuku same –I have been practicing Buddhism with such faith and am amazed with it. I have also shaka buku so many people. It brings joy to see I was able to help someone.
- Did complete 12 lessons, but did not learn much. Carry forward to this year goals. Hopefully my Dutch boyfiend comes handy here. –I am learning dutch and getting good at it. So proud of myself.
- Not Done! This is highly pending and carry forward to this year, with deadline. No more delays –I completed my first novel and submitted it to penguine and they accepted and made a good offer. We are with an editor making progress on completing it.I am an author
- Not Done. This year maybe. –I traveled to Iceland. It was one of the most beautiful places I have seen.
- Done!! Paid last leg of his fee. Now I am freeeee. Can’t tell how happy it makes me. –I finally saved up all of lucky’s fees and don’t need to worry about it anymore.
- Done. Did read a few good ones and loved them. –I have been reading a lot, and that is the hobby I guess from last year’s list that I am pursuing.
- Done. I did make a good friend in my roomie P. She is great. But I lost an old friend too, well to be honest I lost her a long time ago, just realized that now. –I have made some amazing friends. Supportive, fun, caring and always there for me. Finally I feel like I have friends and someone I can be a good friend to them.
- Will have to get the first one out. But I do want to travel a lot this year. Maybe this is my goal for each travel – I need to write a story with it. –I want to write another book on travel.
So much done and so much to look forward too. When I look back I see how far I have come and how generous, compassionate & strong my heart has become. I am grateful for each and every struggle as it makes me who I am today. Tomorrow is going to be even better… I know. Indeed, so much done & yes I do look forward to this year. Grateful for everything & everyone I have in my life. THANK YOU UNIVERSE!
I’ve been away from blogging for a while and lot has happened since. I started dating, I started working out heavy, I move to new job, I went to India for a week and surprised my mom & I got into a relationship.
A lot happened so fast. And a lot of good that is. 🙂
But I want to talk about the new person in my life and how we met. In the last post I said I was ready for love again and would start chanting for it. I did a little. I spoke and met some guys from Indian matrimony thing and also on dating apps, always going with high expectations that this would be it and then nothing happened. I was frustrated (easily). No that they were not nice guys, I just didn’t fall in love you know.
So I changed my approach. I decided I would date. Go for movies / coffees/lunches and dinners. See if anyone is good company for the few hours we are together and that is all I would expect. What happened was I met someone a super hot police officer, who was totally not in for a relationship, slept with him and thought this is how I will keep it.
Then I met someone else ‘J’ whom I had been apping for a few weeks and met him and enjoyed the evening but left feeling not so sure. He was out of a relationship not so long ago and still seemed a little hungover with it. I was not sure I had energy or time to pull him out of his spunk and watever. But he was very sweet and cute. And then my friends told me I should meet him again and give him a second chance.
Then I met the hook up guy and his cold distant behavior made me realize I didn’t want it, this hook up and have no connect and leave in middle of night thing.
Then I decided to meet J again, give him another chance and this time it was magic. The way he behaved and treated me, so sweet and generous and kind. Chivalry and gentlemanly. I like him a lot more than the first time. He was lot more open also and we did shopping and he was so patient and helpful.
It was only few days before I was leaving for India for 10 days and then we met every day before I left. It was amazing. He also met my sister in those few days. And he also asked if we were dating exclusively, which is what I had in mind, coz meeting multiple people and having feelings for them, was not really my thing. So I was very happy.
I went to India and we face-timed every night for hours. I came back and he picked me from airport, I tool 1 extra day off and spent it with him, it was so nice, it is so nice. To feel loved and appreciated. To see someone admire you and make an effort to know you and make you feel special.
We are now together for 2 months and its been amazing. I told him I love him and he said the same. I do feel so much love when I am with him.
But when someone asks me when he is not there, ‘Are you in love?’ I think about it and then say yeah you can say. Why the hesitation I dont know. Maybe I think it is too early, but I said it first to him, so how can I doubt it.
Maybe Im thinking about if we can make a future together or not and linking it with being in love. Irrespective of we make it work or not I do love him, he bring smile to me and makes me feel amazing. He is the best boyfriend ever.
I am so happy and blessed to have found him. Now lets see if he is the person I was hoping to meet
So someone who works out, – he does not. he is a lazy lazy bum. 🙂 has an open and learning mind – he is quite open when I share my culture and also to trying new food and stuff, but he is bit hesitant on doing something new, like travelling , a caring and loving heart – undoubtedly he has does. Someone who makes me wanna better person and who loves me like crazy.- Also this. this is the best, he is crazy about me and appreciates me so much and makes it so known. I love that about him.
As I enjoy this new phase, I do realize I have a tiny bit of fear of being hurt, but I will not let it stop me, after all when you love so deep, you hurt a little bit too yea. And I feel he is worth it and more! 🙂
I have enjoyed being single and having my freedom and time. Now I miss being with someone, sharing my thoughts, being admired and adoring someone. Having a crush, feeling loved and also looking forward to be with someone.
I miss being in a relationship.
I met someone last weekend. It was from the matrimony site and man it was a disaster, firstly he was cross eyed, ok, so I dont mean to be mean but he could have said something about this. This is cheating. To put a picture where you see straight and then it is looking london going tokyo when you meet them. It was hilarious and stupid. Then he is timid and short and so not my type.
I am tired of trying to be nice and for someone to like me. I mean even with this guy I waited until he told me no it was a good match. As if i dont know that already. Haha.
But now I do want to be with someone and not just anyone, but someone nice and decent and cute. I have to also focus on my career and health and get back in top shape coz that is when I feel the best.
I start training today (although has 2 beers this afternoon) and this is the beginning of my best best body.
I want to chant for the partner that is best for me. I have an image in my mind but that does not mean its the best person for me.
So someone who works out, has an open and learning mind, a caring and loving heart. Someone who makes me wanna better person and who loves me like crazy.
I know he is here somewhere. So cmon…come out where ever you are. 🙂 Coz Im ready to meet you .
Sometimes you know what is right and wrong, it is all black and white and then others dont understand it, they dont get why it is so important or clear to you.
I guess what I am trying to say is that when you feel like only you get what you feel and no one else gets it. It makes you doubt whether you are even right or not? Are you thoughts too self occupied ? are you not looking at what others are? are you being too selfish while others are more grouped?
I hate that kind of doubt, it makes me feel small and alone. It makes me doubt every single thing I am proud of knowing and believing and basing my life upon. It feels like an earthquake shaking the foundation of your beliefs.
The anger has always been my worst enemy, in this anger I have hurt people and said things I didnt mean. Words cut sharper than swords I know.
But somehow things go spiraling once it starts, I keep going on and on, saying stuff, being mean and angrier and angrier.
Since my sister is here that has happened twice to me and I hate it. I have expectations that people will behave a certain way because they treasure me and then they dont and I feel completely useless and non worthy. I know she is my sister but then why does she not side with me when someone insults me. Why is she such a people pleasing person and wants to be nice to everyone even those whom I dont like.
I dont get it. That is her nature. But it speaks unloyal to me.
I have done this in the past so many times, I place these boundations on people that if you are my friend you would do so and so. It is not right. Why do I have to do this. People should feel free to act as they want and not feel pressured to be a certain way only because I want. It is these expectations. Am I that insecure in myself that I need other people to act certain way to give me surety that they are with me? Is this how menial a person I am? Is this how my life will always be? making friends and loosing them because I feel disappointed?
How do you get over feeling disappointed with people and continue to be friends and sisters ?
Maybe my sister is right, I am just a mean person who will always be alone because I dont have concern about people’s feelings. I cant believe it but maybe that is who I am, a loner, a mean person who can only have people in their life for sometime before I screw it all up.
I also miss V when all this happened. I wanted to ask him if I was same with him. Inconsiderate and mean as hell. I will ask him even though I should not. To change something you need to believe it completely and I need to know.
It is nice that I thrive to be a better person, but the ugliness that surfaces from within me is not pleasant to deal with.
The thought that I am not good enough to be around anyone is so hurtful and I am almost in tears writing this. But what if this is true? I will stay alone always.. all my life, because I am too adamant and stubborn and mean an harsh in my words.
It is scary thought that no one will ever love me for who I am. And I will never have anyone by my side.