My experiences in this new phase of my life

Being on my own

The coming weekend I move out, we move out. We leave our love nest and separate to being on our own. It feels so emotional to think about separating, but I know it is important for me and him too. Maybe we jumped into being together too fast, maybe we should have led separate lives before deciding we want to live together.

I have found a place and he has too. Mine is shared flat with some other working girls. It’s not the company I wanted (its indian girls) but then maybe I’m just acting out on my fears or bad past experiences – of indians girls being too nosy, irritating and manipulative. But this is little different situation, each have their own room (thank god, I can’t even imagine having to share with anyone) & we cook separately, again a big relief as I am not at all in the mood to do cooking duties and grocery together. Also because I am starting my 3 month training program I want to be responsible for my food and that will definitely not match with others (usual india food). But the place is convenient to travel to/from and also in my budget, so I am happy. It is actually the same house that I lived in December 2014 temporarily, when I hadn’t got the keys to new house, which sadly becomes the old house.

About V and me, we keep questioning why we are separating, especially because it is so good together, but we both know the big questions and decisions are where we are both at opposite ends. And then there are other things which need work, between us.

Somedays(like today) I just cant wait to get away from him and start my alone life. I want to get away from him as soon as possible. It makes me kind of feel relief to think that and the reason is that it will be a concrete decision and no more a confusion state. I am tired of being confused and not knowing.

I met a friend yesterday and she said, well, maybe you do know what to do, but you keep telling yourself you dont to avoid that. Maybe she is right. I do know in my heart what is it that I want and cause it is too difficult to do, act on, so I avoid it and say I am confused.

V keeps saying that we should be in contact after we separate, but I dont agree. What is point of separating if we keep hanging out together. We want to separate to think how life will be without each other and if we want that or not. Also to think about our differences and if we can come to a common point on them.

I keep thinking about I will never find someone as easygoing as him. He doesn’t  have too many quirks or airs, he is simple and nice. But then also not so open in his thoughts, so conservative about how things SHOULD BE.  But is that reason enough to stay with someone, that you wont find anybody as easygoing as them. I think not.

What will my life be when we are apart? I know what the daily life will be, but its more about what fun will it be, what will I aspire towards, what will I look forward to. Something will be missing.

Also I think about if we break up and I meet a new person, he may also have some thoughts/habits that I dont agree to or like. Will I keep breaking up with people then?

Does loving someone not include accepting the parts that you dont love? But what separates the points which you can accept and which you cannot live with. The deal breakers. I guess only I can tell that.

But I dont feel like answering that question. The responsibility , the heartbreak, the aftermath that comes with answering it is too heavy for me. Although the current state of confusion is killing as well.

I feel we should not be in contact for 2 months, think about it, do our own things, and after 2 months meet and talk about what we have thought.

For now, I am looking forward to being on my own, I need the space and air, to not be attached, to be free.

How do you Deal with it?

A friend told me that when everything is going well in your life then there is nothing to change/improve/reflect upon, it’s only in difficult times that change happens. You learn something about yourself, you act upon it and that decides whether you improve that difficult part of continue to bring yourself into similar situations in future.

It’s so very true. And to think of it I am happy that this difficult time has fallen upon me. I was running away from lot of fears, fears of commitment, of sharing my life with someone, of having to DEAL with a new family, of having to compromise and make adjustment, of thinking to start a new family and have children.

Fears are driven by some experiences or incidents in your life, but mine stem from seeing the world around me. I have never seen a woman happy with her in-laws, I have never seen a woman being respected for following her dreams, I have never seen a woman being able to dream without anyone stopping her.

What I have seen around me, is women giving up their careers, hopes, lives, dreams all to make a home for their husband, to cook and run the household, to have children and take responsibility of them full time, like it is their job, or moreover like it is the punishment of being a woman, You HAVE TO give birth to children, YOU HAVE TO raise kids and make them your priority, YOU HAVE to leave your aspirations and dreams because FAMILY HAS TO be your priority.

This is what I have seen. I have heard most of my life my mother wishing she has a career so she could stand up for herself. I have seen my aunts being in marriages that do not have equality as a factor, I have seen women all around me not being supported by their in-laws.

The only happy family I have seen is in movies.

Maybe such families do exist and women get to live their lives as they want. But to not see it makes me think its just a fantasy.

This resistance comes from deep down, from seeing my mom being financially dependent on others after my father passed away. I have seen what it does to you. I am so proud of my mother for making all the sacrifices of self respect, of fighting like a tigress, only to get us to a place where we can support ourselves and not be dependent on anyone. No one has right on my earning but my mom.

When V told me those words, that I need to contribute my income to his family, it touched a nerve, it hit the spot of fury where someone is taking authority over my independence, my right to live as I want, and overpowering the struggles my mom has done to get me here.

This is something that is circling my mind. Do I want to be with a person who threatens to do that? How could I? I want to share my life with you, but what I do with my income is not your business. Maybe it will be. But I don’t think I ready yet. Ready to make that big of decision.

In the mean time how I deal with things is completely ignoring my feelings. Doing the house hunt aInd eating and watching movies. I know ..I know its the worst thing to do. But I just dont feel like doing anything else. Like I have lost energy to enjoy doing anything.

It is so strange to feel this drained, like my energy, passion, everything is drained out. Like I invested all of myself and then it turns out I was wrong all along. Its broken me down. I can feel that. And every time I put some hope to build myself again I get hopeful, but when actions are needed I dont do anything. Its like the more I mourn it the less likely it is to get over.

 

It so strange for me all this. And then the stress to find some new place to live with some new people around. Have not found anything and have too much anxiety around it.

 

 

So how do you deal with it??

To find the answers within!

This is a very stressful time for me. I have made a grown up decision and am following through on it. But in my mind all I want to do is leave it all out. I don’t want to think about what I am doing, is this correct thing to do, am I being impulsive, am I being too negative about everything. I just want it to turn out on itself without me having to think and rethink and discuss and so on.

But that ain’t gonna happen. So here I am thinking about it. Was i too impulsive to make the decision? Why I say this is because V and I have spent 1.5 days being absolutely normal, talking normal, making jokes about all the fights and then it felt like why the hell were we fighting like strangers, like weird negative people who hate each other.

I need to ask the right questions to myself, in hope that i find the answers within!

I can’t help but wonder is this the right thing to do. What if this is the biggest mistake of my life? What if I regret this later?

But all these confusing thoughts are coming from a very unsure and restless me. I have to ask the right questions and think about the things that matter to me. The person that I want to be and the partner who will accept and love me through each phase of evolution and change.

I do realize I have very negative feelings about the entire inlaws situation. But the fact is I have never seen inlaws being nice and letting the daughter-in-law lead her life on her own terms. I also realize that I have not been compassionate towards his mom and probably shown the worst side of me. Do I have the capability to accept and respect someone else’s parents? even though they have opposite thinking and ideas than me. I think I can, but the moment someone expects me to change or act a certain way, I flip out. I rebel! I always have!

Leaving apart the families from situation I want to think about how he and I are. How he made me feel. How he acted in influence of his family.

Something to admit to  myself is I breathed a sigh of relief on thought of breaking up. Maybe the relief was that I dont have to face all the situations that I know come along with commitment and all the situations that I want to far away from. But truth is these will be the case with any person.  Anyone I love and want to spend my life with will come with his side of family, friends, difference of opinions and craziness.

I was also thinking about how I can focus on myself now. My health and chanting and so on. I have been doing that when we were together but it took a lot of time to get my routine. Somehow it is easier when you are the only person whom you need to worry about. I know its terrible I see the easy way and feel relieved. I always said I don’t feel I can do my stuff when he is around and I was working on changing that.

Even now that he is in house I cant get myself to sit and chant. I want to but cant. I feels odd. like he is watching or something very very odd. I dont feel comforatble with it. Maybe because it something we dont do together and that is odd. I always wanted to do my own things but maybe that was just a thought and I actually am a clingy person who wants to do all things with her partner. Need to change that!!!

I realize that is exactly I have not even been swimming since he moved here, because I would have to d it alone. OMG I am a clingy person!

But I need to figure out why I don’t want to be with him and know in my heart that it is right reason. I cannot live with this doubt of doing right or wrong. I need to understand what did not work for us and that i still take stand on the things I believe in. I need to be sure that I am not simply running away because it is hard or because it is not easy and needs work and efforts.

To think clear and to open my heart I need to sit and chant. So will move the Gohonzon to my room.

Also will start my fitness routine and start swimming also, need to get out and change habit of being with him always.

The end!

It’s the hidden truth that you know in your heart and fear if you say it out loud, it will come true, even when you know not saying it doesn’t make it go away.

I am facing the reality of such a truth. V has decided to go back to India after 3 years and I will not. Somehow I knew he will do this, but I believed his words and promises that he will try and convince his mother. He knew what he was getting into with me, what kind of person I was and how independent I am, and yet he continued to be with me without thought of my wishes and my future. How can you?

He says he never lied about his future plans, because he kept quiet. Well, knowing the truth and keeping quiet about it is same as lying. You are cheating the other person of your honest opinion. It is as worse as lying.

I wish he had the courage to say what he says now. In an argument we say hurtful things, he brought back things of my past, said I was not decent person and had flings with men, yes I did, but you knew about them, you accepted me with that knowledge, so how can you now make me feel bad about that? I won’t ! I never have! Yes, maybe a few better decisions could have been better, but I learnt my lessons from those experiences and that I will not be guilty about.

It was so strange to see him change into a person I dont even know. I loved that he was an honest person, and with all the lies that came out he has lost that respect in my eyes. I used to love that he respected my freedom and independence, but by calling me names and telling me that I need to go back to India and wear the clothes his mother approves and eat/drink what his mother approves, he is just another male chauvinist pig. I used to admire that he respected my capability to support my family and ambition to build a grand future, and then he told me that I need to hand him my earnings and that he was satisfied with a mediocre lifestyle of struggle in India, I see him as a two faced man, who changes his words, who is manipulated emotionally by his mother, who has no confidence to dream big and no confidence that he can achieve a fabulous life of comfort.

He wants me to settle into a life of struggle and compromise, a life where I loose my freedom, where I feel unsafe to be out of home anytime of day or night, a life where I am surrounded by lecherous men and corruption everyday. Just because I was born in that country does not mean I am expected to live there, even when I have a better and safer place to be.

I have not worked my way here to compromise. I will not give away my freedom ad anyone who asks me to do so, does not know me or love me either.

I could not understand why did he not even breathe these thoughts before, not even once!

Yes we had fights over where to live, but those were because he said parents are not allowed to be migrated overseas, and I always told him we will find a way for his mom to live with us.

I misbehaved too, yes, been rude to his mom, had argument about this, told her the truth that we live together and are not just friends (like he told her). I did disrespect her. And all that anger was for him, for becoming a different person within a weeks time and throwing all my dreams and hopes under the truck.

Truth be told, I never agreed to marry him or get engaged because I doubted he will go back. I doubted his words of false hope. And because of that doubt and inner hesitation I was never 100% sure of him. I am happy I was not, because if I go to see this side of him after being officially committed,  it would be even more difficult. I say officially because emotionally I have been committed to him for so long, he has been the only man in my life and without a shadow of doubt I was there for him.

What makes it worse is that he does not seem to care, he behaves aloof, angry, like WE never existed, like WE was an imagination in my head. There was a WE and it was a happy picture (with some bumps ofcourse). And while I know he is at fault, I blame his mother as well for not raising her son well, not being open with him so he could share his heart and thoughts, his wish to stay here.

If he is willing to sacrifice his life and future he can, I will not.

I have decided to end this here. The love, this future we thought of, the emotional bond we shared. Hurt and pain will stay a little longer I know. But I will be strong. I will keep my head high and not be shamed to loose my freedom to live my life.

Next few weeks will be hardest! To move out (him / me or both) , to see each other at work (unless he leaves which he should out of courtsey) , to adjust to thinking and being ME instead of WE.  I hope he realizes what a lie that unsaid truth was. I hope I stay strong and move on.  I will  move on. Even if he chooses to stay, I will not be associated with any man who simply sits mum when being told that a man can drink or smoke but a woman cannot.  Even he says sorry and begs, I have no respect left towards him and that I cannot he cannot repair.

The debate continues…

This is a difficult time for me! I have to choose between my heart and my dreams. While I already know what is priority to me, still the thoughts of what if’s keeping to me.

I have worked hard to get where I am now, I love to live here in this country, to enjoy my freedom, I love this lifestyle of travel and being able to support my family. And anyone asking me to give it up, does not truly love me or understand what it means to me.

I love V, but I will never give up my hard earned status for any man. I will not leave what I believe to be best for me and follow a man to a place which does not make me feel happy or safe.

It’s not just the money, it is money and everything that it allows me to do. Its being able to feel safe to wear what I want and NOT be looked at in disgusting way by cheap men, its being able to travel the world, its being able to be out of house at any hour and not fear being raped, its being able to support my family and bring so much joy to them, which they have missed for a long time.

I was always very clear that I want to settle out of India. But he didn’t understand what I meant. He says I never said ”I will never go back to India”. Well, he heard only what he wanted to and that has brought us to a point where pain and suffering will overwhelm us (or me atleast).

He says he wants to be with me, but he cant convince his mom. Can’t believe I am caught up in this mom-in law situation. I always found this so funny, when men cant decide what they want.

It would be wrong for me to ask him to choose between his mom and me, so I didn’t. I told him we will find a way to get his mom here, to live with us, but she is too afraid of leaving what she has known all her life. She does not want to leave her daughter (V’s sister), who is married and starting a family of her own in India.

Now he has to make a choice, either he convinces her to move here with us or we separate.

Somehow I feel the later will happen and it will break my heart. All these years of love and struggle to be together and now we separate because he does not have courage or confidence to see the life I envision.

He knew he would go back and how he assumed that I would leave everything I have earned just to be with him. Is that fair? Maybe that is some indication of how his thought process is.

You cannot change me to accept me. Accept me as I am like I accept you the way you are.

Things are so hazy right now. I don’t care what people will say or how I will answer to them. I care how I will remain strong for my beliefs, for my existence, for my best.

Some chanting to be done to find peace & strength in these difficult times!

My Perfect Partner!

In midst of all the craziness in my relationship, I am forced to think about what I want in a relationship? what kind of person do I want to be with? what equation I want to share with him? & how do I want to spend the rest of my life?

These are important questions and I am sure I have thought about it before, but that was long before I got involved with V. I want to think about how I want things, keeping the fact away that I am with someone right now, because that is no reason for me to let go of what would make me happy. Adjustments can be made in a relationship, but on small areas or concerns, but the bigger questions have to be answered with honesty. I am not saying I am thinking of getting out, but I don’t want to carry on feeling like I have no other option and need to accept whatever I have now.

If I imagine myself happy and enjoying life, this is what I see in my mind:

– being friends, good friends, equals in relationship

– I see being fit and active, enjoying many activities on my own and with my partner.

-I see myself sharing love & care

-Being appreciated and encouraged & being same

-progressing together as a couple, in career, fitness, life.

-having a very strong bond of trust, being there always for each other.

-communicating openly and easily, even if it difference of opinions.

-having common friends and enjoying with them

-trying new things, travelling, being excited about life

-wanting the same things in life, like where to live, careers

-being independent financially, both of us.

-having healthy arguments,expressing myself freely

-bringing positive influence on each other, in even small ways

-supporting each others family and feeling part of them

This is what happiness looks like in my imagination. I can adjust and compromise of a few things, or small daily habits, but in the bigger picture I think this is everything that I ask for in my partner.

Does it match with my current relationship? Well.. not a good time to think that now. Maybe after few days when my guest (arriving tomorrow ) have left.

Is this ok?

This may seem a bit weird but I need to get this out of my system. Sometimes when we fight, V and me, I say something like ”I will slap you if you do this” or ”smack you” and he replies with equal aggression in words, probably even more and it scares me thinking what if he actually does it. Is that normal? To say such harsh things to each other?

Also I say things but in my head my slapping him or punching him wont hurt him so much, but him saying the same things to me creates a very bad picture in my head, of being badly hurt. He does snap at times and just shrugs his hand or something and I wonder what if he is in temper and he does actually raise his hand on me.

For me it is the thought of raising hand on a girl is the worst of all, but the way he says these things, even though its only words, it sounds like to him,  it is not the worst thing to do.

Even the thought is making me choke up. This morning in an argument I said I will slap you, and he said, ”if you do that then I will raise my hand and you will be crying for 2 days”. I froze when I heard that. Its bringing tears to me as I write this. And we both came to work separately (we usually come together). Once at work he asked me how I was and I asked him will you do that what you said in the morning, he said yes if I am angry.

I don’t want to use the words, but I did look up domestic violence signs. Nothing matches the signs from that list, but why did it make me think about it. Am  I being too dramatic and over thinking all this. Am I crazy?

Among everything else that I can’ t think of this. Too much already to think for me. My aunt and cousins are arriving this weekend and will stay with us and next month his mom is here and we have some vacation planned. How the hell can I think about this with these people around or even make sense of if I am over thinking all this.

I have no clue why I get so aggressive in arguments. I got a headache thinking of all this.

Need some peace. A grit strength training session planned for evening is exactly what I need I think.


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