My experiences in this new phase of my life

Working on this relationship

I realize now why they say ‘you need to work on it’. Its not just a saying, it is a practical effort that needs to be put in. In my previous relationships I was was younger and naive, I made an image, an idea of what I want and drove the other person crazy trying to match it. Now that I am bit older, I feel I still have an idea about how I want it to be, but now I realize that there is another person involved too, and his ways and wishes are as important as mine.

J and I had so many arguments over last few weeks, I took a week away from him to think things and that didn’t help too. He apologized and I accepted, but we didnt really make concrete decisions/agreements on what the problem was and how we should resolve it. I guess when its difficult to face that there is a problem, we avoid and run in each others arms for comfort, until the problem comes back again. And come back it did. For my birthday he planned a long weekend getaway, which was hinted by me many times, I loved that he did do it, but I got caught up with the idea of it being a total romantic thing, and having lots of awesome pictures to remember forever with. Somehow the Instagram or capturing the moment became more important that the moment itself. I snapped and was bitchy and made him cry, yes I was super bitch, and then heard what he was saying, which he was already saying for many times before, but I was not paying attention, coz i was caught up in my own fairy tale expectations.

We have some serious communication issues. I dont like his tone and how he reacts, its rude and hurtful, he does not like my getting upset way, like i flip completely and shut him out, it makes him feel he’s not good enough and gets insecure. This is tuff. He reacts like that all his life, how do I get him to change his way for me? And I always silence out and shut down when upset, its hard for me to talk in that moment and talk about how i feel.

This will take lot of work and sadly we realized this after lot of arguments and tears over my birthday weekend surprise gift.

The good thing is, we are both willing to work on it. We both want this to work. And keeping it real, all my dreamy airy expectations on living together and  having a life together, seem so so far away. That being said, I am also not sure if Feb18 going to India with him is going to work. Top of my head reasons are : he is not totally open or up for it, I am stressed about making it good experience for him, & final and may seem stupid, but I would rather go when we have something confirmed, like engagement or wedding. it seems stupid to spend all the money and go and not have a big enough reason to it. And by the looks of how we are going, it seems it will be quite a while before we get to any life event.

This mid-month we will mark 1 year anniversary. Time flies uh!

Well here’s to keeping it real and working on it.Cheers!

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Overwhelming emotions & fears

If you ask me to describe my relationship with J I only have good and amazing things to say. He is loving and caring and always there for me. His family is great and my family likes him too.

But there are some things that have been bothering me.

His directness – which comes to me as rude behavior and also hurtful. It was not like this in beginning. He has normal reactions on smallest of things but they are very harsh and mean. Like he brushes me away if he does not like it, or if i hold him he reacts very badly. I know its not about me, its his normal way of acting,  but such harsh gestures get me hurt and also shocked thinking ”Is this what I will have all my life?” Being talked to like this ? I am no angel and I can be mean to, but it is when you have a fight or argument. Not normal reactions. And yes I cuddle and am more affectionate than he likes, but that is showing my love, why would be react like this. It brings tears even writing this.

Things have changed – In the beginning, he was sweet to me and told me how lucky he was and adored me and he was very verbal about it. Now his actions show he cares and loves me, but i miss the words. I miss him looking at me deeply and saying how beautiful I am. I know I might be sounding stupid here, but I miss it. I have told him this and he takes it wrongly like he is not acting good now. It makes me feel sad. Maybe it is not real him to be so verbal and all the romantic stuff, but he showed me that side of him and i fell in love with that part of him too. ofcourse we become more comfortable and dont need to pretend, but i wish he said some sweet nothings. It used to light up my heart and make me smile all day.

Our differences in communication – often we are not able to understand each others perspective and this is very scary for me. I think we even have different expectations. I have fears from my past relationship that I delude myself of the problems in my relationship and ignore it till it blasts on my face. I dont want that again. I want to know and set correct goals and handle it. But somehow we dont communicate very clear for each other to understand.

I didnt mean this to be rant post, but my heart is breaking seeing the good slipping away and every effort I do to restore it makes it worse. If I cry i feel weak, but his actions are not ignorable. I keep hoping he will say something sweet or a compliment or look at me like he used to, but it doesnt and i feel so needy. Am i running after something unreal? is this how real relationships look like? I want a realtionship of hope and respect, where you nurture each other and not pin point each others faults. maybe i am pointing out what he does not do too much and need to change my perspective. i want this to work. he is a nice man just his ways of expressing and not expressing are making me turn into emotional overwhelmed person.

finding my balance- struggles & solutions

Life right now seems a little off-balance for me. There is nothing miserable so to say, but the pieces of puzzle seems at wrong places. You know like there is everything ok, but maybe the order is not right, or your own vision is not focused.

So here is an attempt to get the balance & swear to god, writing has always helped me clear my thoughts and my mind. It has been a friend making me aware of my own deep feelings that somehow get lost in the chaos of life.

Finances: To begin with a positive note – an achievement of a long goal for me. Finally paid all tuition fee for my brother. That is such a relief. It was biggest responsibility & fear. It was also my driving force as it kept me going in such difficult situations and I am so happy it is done. I am also excited about what path my brother chooses next & he has lots of options. What an exciting time for him – but he is also nervous.

Now I can save up for myself, for my future. I don’t have a saving plan or target though. I have never been good with keeping account and in the end I save what I save. But maybe its good to start with saving 2/3 of my monthly salary. It is a big amount, but i see its feasible as I still live in shared accommodation , don’t have any loans, no car or fuel cost. While I have the benefit of not having these obligations – best to save as much as possible now. 🙂

Health: Now this is a very important part that I wana focus energy on. In the beginning of the year I had it all together. I was working out with a friend/instructor, I was doing weights, I was seeing changes and finally was moving towards happy body image. But as the title of the post says, I lost balance, I started ordering in , missing sessions, moved gym so lost my gym instructor, with fam here I totally lost track and from then on it was spiral downwards. I have been binge eating all crap food, no workouts & dealing any emotion with food as comfort. I feel terrible, I dont like how I look, my clothes dont fit well & I feel worse for letting all my progress go down gutter.

here is what i wana do:

  1. change my lifestyle to eat healthy – this needs to be cured, emotions cannot drive my food habits anymore.
  2. Get my ass to the gym 5 times a week. Already bought a fitness program and will follow it with all my heart
  3. Remember i am doing this for me, to feel better, to feel in control, to feel and look how I love

Relationship: Things have progressed so much since we met. We met each others families, we went on vacation together, we went on vacation with each others’ families. A lot. We have also grown to know each other. Somehow I miss the charm of the beginning days to be honest. The admiration and importance I got. He still shows affection & importance but in a different way. We have had some challenges and we have sorted some and some remain work in progress. There is the idea of us buying a place together, but I want to wait a little. Not because I think we might not work, he is definitely the guy for me, but I have rushed into decisions before because they seemed so dreamy and cloud9, but the reality didnt match and it went ugly. I want to be make it right wiht J, I dont wana get into it with ideas & not be real. The thing is we still have some differences and I want us to work on them before we dive into being under same roof and tearing each other apart coz we did not resolve things. I want to face the tough part and not avoid it like i did before.

A few differences we already face: – i love travel and wana make impulsive plans, he is more practical on savings. -I wana get a big place with yard and all, he thinks its too much to put into. – when i share something with him on i failed or dont feel good about something, he approaches with solutions on how i can fix it, i just want him to listen to me. he does not think its helpful just to listen, he wants to point out what i did wrong and what i should work on. -I guess the main difference is, I am more sensitive and dreamy and wishy. He is practical and direct.

We have some things we decided to work on & I wana make sure we get our enery/rythm correct before we jump into legal stuff:

  1. I need to be little relaxed and not get offended and take everything so personally
  2. He needs to be more polite with me. direct is ok, but softer words would make it easy
  3. I need to find hobby and keep myself occupied and not wait on him for every free minute
  4. He needs to treat me more nicely, more supportive, listen, be there for me and dont point my mistakes in my face when im hurting.

Work: For the longest time in my life I have known that my chosen career (IT) is not my passion. It is not where my heart is, I dont enjoy it, its not something I wake up wanting to do. But I have managed it, since it served a lot of other purposes for me, travel abroad, save money, sent home money, settle abroad etc. But my current job has been most challenging job I have done so far. After almost 1 year here I now feel bit into place and know what i am doing and what I am supposed to do (a bit). I have had days I did not wana go to work & so bad that I faked sickness, considered breaking an arm would be nice to good to be stay away from work etc etc. It has been extreme. I have never hated a work environment so much. Or maybe I have but at the moment this was worse. About 2 weeks before I has a breakdown at work. This senior colleague was so rude and kept pushing me in a corner and finally I had a breakdown and cried. The situation was handled by conversations with my manager. Something does not feel right about me being there. And the more I say that the more it happens. The environment is so negative and where I am situated is one of the most harsh projects filled with blames/negativity – which totally repulses my personality -I lean on positive, I thrive on hope & it has been killing me to be there, as it mpacts me personally too much. I cannot start with saying how many nights I have slept with nightmares about work. I started applying for new jobs also. But those are similar roles, & there is no saying I would like it elsewhere.

The point is IT has been my career. I have only this experience to go for a job. But a better environment would be helpful. Maybe it is my attitude, but  I need to be in more positive place. My plan is

  1. Chant for a job where I am happy & feel appreciated
  2. Keep applying for jobs
  3. Start my novel

Spiritual: I did start back on chanting but not so regular, I will start it regularly now and make it part of my lifestyle. the benefits are amazing and I have seen proof before, but more than that the positive aura and vibe it brings makes me much better person. It is one of the best things that happened to me and I will make all effort to keep it in my life.

Friendships/Family :  Fam time has been done this year, with mom staying here and vacation with family I covered it all. I do miss my sister not visiting very frequently, as she changed her job, but she has to grow in her career and I think she did good.

Friendships are bit more complicated, my housemate P and I have not been so close since her husband is here. They are always together and I havent had a conversation with her at all. It also didnt help the husband annoyed me and i got irrtitated with him to point i avoided going out of my room. P lost her dad last week and it was really sad. I was away on vacation and she went to india for few weeks to be with her fam. I hope once she is back I can be a friend and support her through this loss. I have done this before, lose a friend coz i didn like her guy. but i think i need to learn this lesson and separate the two things. her husband is her choice and not mine to judge or accept. she is a wonderful person and I need to cherish her. also maybe make some girl time for us.

The other friend I already told was S who didnt invite me to her wedding. I had enough of feeling unwanted and decided to cut all threads there. I need to focus my energy and love on people who love me back. I feel relieved. And fact that she has not tried to contact me since her wedding- says it all.

  • Im happy to make space and time for new friends.
  • Speak to my sis more often, as she is not visiting me often anymore
  • spend some time with J’s fam too

 

So thats what life is about at the moment.  Lots to do and lots to achieve. hope all of you are enjoying life too! cheers!

 

 

 

 

Currently

Just a quick recap of where things and life is currently..

Mom has become quite independent here and I don’t worry about entertaining her constantly. She does her own thing in the day and in evening we have dinner together.

I also got back on my fitness plan, being regular at gym and eating good mostly.

I had a dispute with my flatmate and her husband and that makes me sad coz ever since her husband is here he is getting so annoying and I dont like that. I need to keep away from him. But also I loose the friendship with my flatmate.

All is well with J and me. We hangout with my mom and spend time alone too. He is sweet and caring. Sometimes I bring up stuff which has no relevance to at the moment status for us, like having kids, and that make me think if I am trying to sabotage the relationship subconsciously. But it does worry me. I dont know what kind of life I want and that is scary. What if we want different things ?

We have been talking about living together and I wana buy my own place, but he wants to buy something with me, and that would mean he sells his apartment first and god knows how long that will take. So my work permit is being renewed and that is going to also be a waiting factor.

I am also waiting on a job response and that could change some stuff up, if and when I switch. depends on how contract is and then mortgage stuff.

another thing is J thinks i complain a lot these days – well I think a lot and then express my thoughts, but he takes it like complaints. well some are complaints. earlier he used to woo me, say sweet somethings, treat me like princess, now he shows in different way less flattering, it become more complacent between us, usual life, everyday stuff to be around each other. before he would always ask for my time and now he asks but knowing i am here. ofcourse it can never stay like a new relationship mode, but i miss being treated like he is crazy about me you know. but he wants to live with me and have a life together, so that says a lot too, just in different way.

A trip to india was planned for this october for me, but now I dont want to go. Reasons:

im not at my best fit shape – and criticism back home from aunts n uncles will only do me harm

i already spent time and money with fam here – what new to do it again

i am a bit weird and need to be left alone – cannot stay with family for longer time anymore

I told my aunt about my boyfirend J non indian and I will get bulk of questions on when i get married, why not now, why wait. they dont understand being in a relationship vs getting married – its 2 different things.

thats it. so i cancel my trip to india and stay here instead. J & I will go next year though for my brothers graduation and I am looking forward to that.

Another thing that happened was this old friend of mine S, she didnt invite me to her wedding saying very few ppl are invited and then i see pictures of her invited bunch of foreign people. well too bad if she does not take me in her good friends list, so i chucked her out of my friends list too ,. literally from FB too. no regrets there. I need to value people who value me. thats it.

thats what life is like right now… cant complain … ok can maybe a bit. 😉

 

 

blessed, anxious, restless, lost..

I am going through so many emotions right now, its crazy! So I found a way to resolve things with my mom and things have been good since. I just need to keep reminding her that I have a life to live here after she goes back and I cannot alter everything just coz she is here. My sister and brother joined us and we all set for a family vacation, after almost 6 years! I am so blessed to be able to have them here and go on foreign vacation, we could have not even imagined this few years ago. I thank god and universe for this everyday.

The trip was ofcourse crazy, what else is expected with family, and tiring coz everyone wanted to see so much in such short time and then difficult to manage everyone’s expectations. But we managed.

We took a weekend trip again and J also joined. 1 day before we left we got into huge fight, I dont know if I call it fight, he misbehaved with me, blasted me off with his frustration and it was in middle of an intimate moment. That hurt so bad. I shook my self esteem and broke me down. I cried and cried. And he realized he did wrong too. He promised never to do this again. We went on weekend trip and everyone got along. He enjoyed too and we came back in good spirits.

I am blessed to have him in my life. God knows I have prayed and visualized to have a person like him in my life. Ofcourse he has his faults and so do I, but the patience and care he gives me, shows how much he loves me. I love him dearly. Thanks universe for bringing my love to me.

I started looking for jobs about 2 weeks ago, I realized I am not happy at current job and complaining is only harming me, so I decided to take action. I found an exciting Brand/company to work with and applied, although I was not sure of the position, interview went good but they choose another candidate. Maybe it was for best. In 1 day my holidays are over and I go back to work, and this bring me anxiety and restlessness. I am feeling like I need to change things but also feeling like a little settled here and can continue. Its a battle in my  head, about what I want in life, what I want to do, etc etc. I get very anxious and restless.

I know I have to change something, but the direction is not clear, I dont know where to head, what to do.

Maybe I will try to my best at my current job, I have got a grip on the ropes and maybe I need to listen more clearly and let all the bad feelings and emotions go away, so I hear what they want and change my ways and get some good feedback.

Its funny  how I feel all these different emotions together. Blessed and then stressed. Well, i know I can deal with it, else it wouldnt have happened.

Chant, Be grateful, count my blessings and remember I have power to change any situation in my life. Stay strong!

To everyone who is struggling in any way, visualize victory & it will come.

Relationship with my mom

While I am so grateful to have a strong and determined person as a mother, who has fought through so much difficulty in life and also brought us to where we stand now, seriously we could have not done anything if it was not for her, but still I have a very weird relationship with my mom. I love her and she loves me too. But I think she puts so much pressure on me, knowingly or unknowingly, that it stresses me out to be around her. She has struggled a lot for us, and I guess she is eager to see the results, and not just ok results, but fabulous amazing results, like me becoming a millionaire or marrying one or buying a beautiful big house etc etc. Her expectations are so high, it makes me very defensive. I dont like to hear her commnets, I dont like to hear what I should do or even answer her million questions on what is what and how i do stuff etc etc.

The worst part is, she can never keep anything to  herself, she goes and blurs it out to her sisters, which i absolutely hate. I am quite a private person, there are things i like to share and things i dont, and she has absolutely no filtering. She says everything to everyone. I hate it.

Now she is visiting me for 2 months, yeah its a lot, and when you are used to being on your own then it is absolutely too much, but I want to not be stressed and also not be rude with her, which i do get once she starts to offend me by asking too many questions, being pally with others and needing attention from others. It is so annoying and so pitiful. Like she needs to talk to others and share all personal information and it is embarrassing as well.

I dont know why but i dont like to talk to her too much, i dont agree with her opinions, i dont like her asking me all the questions i dont want to hear. i guess its just how parents are after certain point, you are an adult and have your own opinion and they need to understand that. she needs to understand my life and priorities and while her old opinions irritate me i need to learn to not take it as a personal attack on me, which i often feel like. I cannot stop talking or being in different room or just run away from her.

This needs to be settled. It is making me so negative and stressed i cannot believe it. I dont think it her all her though, I think it is my disability to deal with her that makes me so negative and stressed.

Right now it giving me more stress than I need. And i need to take responsibility & fix this. Probably chant an hour everyday.

 

 

 

Affection and rejection

How do you recognize affection when it is not in form that you know it?

I have become so sensitive ever since I am with J. I get offended so easily and hurt even easier. He has a very different way show affection, it is loving but he does not like to be cuddled or hugged all the time, he likes to have his space. Every time he pushes me away or rejects my affectionate gesture, it breaks my heart, it pinches me in the gut, I feel so so bad and rejected, almost in tears every time. I know he does not mean that, but to me it is so difficult to not be ok with it. I am trying, but just makes me sad.

I am sure he is also adjusting to my ways and he does not show if he is finding it difficult, but I wish he would. Although he tells me I should not take anything I dont feel ok, not from anyone, and not at all from him & should correct him immediately. But I can’t.

Just because he does not express his emotions, I feel I am so much more in this than him or I am more in love than he is. Is there something like more and less when you are in love?

How do I read his affection when he pushes me away/ How do I tell myself its just his mood and not him not wanting my closeness?

I hope he finds a way to show his affection and accept mine, coz this is now making me suffer, causing me emotional turmoil where I start questioning can I put up with this all my life.

I want to be loved and appreciated! Not feel like a worthless person whom one can hold when in mood and push aside when not in mood. It literally breaks my heart everytime he does that. Maybe it reminds me of the worthlessness my ex made me feel, but it such a negative feeling and is hurting me like stabbing on an open wound again and again.

Either I get thick skinned and forget about being affectionate, but that is not who I am , or he needs to accept my love.

My silly heart and its distresses!