My experiences in this new phase of my life

My 2015 Year Goals

Goals are so important in life. They give you focus in life, a direction to use your energy towards, they give you a reason to not give up and most important to understand what is it that you actually and really want in your life. And once completed such a sense of achievement and joy!

So I need to really think and get down what I Really & Truly want from myself this year. I like to think while I post because somehow writing makes my mind clear and bring the true emotion/thoughts going on in me.

So here it goes:

2015 GOALS:

1. Physical fitness  BEST SHAPE EVER- I have made so many fitness goals over the past years, achieved them and then lost them too. But this is THE YEAR! I will turn 30 this September and before that I will be in my BEST SHAPE ever! I will be lean and toned and slim. I will have a flat stomach and less fat % and more muscle. And going forward I will maintain it forever.

2. Savings – I will save all of my brothers college fees by July2015. This is a major goal for me, because with V and I living together we will have more expenses and also some travelling, but I need to get this done. It will be such a big responsibility off my shoulders. Plus the sense to feel no worry about his education cost, will be relief for me and my family. After this is done, I will continue saving for a house. Again a major – major goal to start, although not expected to save all this year itself but to start.

3. Involve more in Buddhism – I have taken the practice, but I need to own it now. It has the potential to make me bring out my best and I want to give it my best in order to do that. I want to read the concepts and learn, so that I can deal with life and people better and also be the person I want to be.

4. Career –  I need to start thinking about what I want to be doing in the coming years. To understand what I want my life to be about and how I can reach there. Even to realize what I want will be a goal accomplished. And yes the next step will be to start taking actions in that direction. But for now, to find my inspiration in terms of work will be a goal for this year.

5. Connect more with Family - I do keep in touch with my family, but they say its not enough and I know its correct. I call once in 4-5 days and its not right. I feel like I am making the physical distance into a emotional distance, which I absolutely do not want. So this year I will be more connected with them, call, message, skyp everything.

6. Be Polite –  I need to be more calm and polite in my general behavior and reactions. I know I am aggressive and it is good sometimes, but in daily life it gets me worked up and feeling very negative. I need to let it go. I need to find calm and reason and not jump to conclusions. Not judge or assume about situations or people and not create impression when I don’t know the entire story.

7. Make friends – For the longest time in my life I have wanted friends. I did have them too but very few and often I would have arguments and fights. I have the same situation today also. I rely too much on the friendship of 1 or 2 people and when something goes wrong, which of course will as all people think and act differently, it puts me off. I feel let down and sad. I need to change my concept of friends. They don’t need to make sacrifices for me or go out of their way for me. If I feel that I need to do that for my friends, does not mean I can expect same from them. I need to be the friend that I am and understand and accept the friend that they are. And not judge or expect too much. Having said this, I need to make friends and not phony or false but just people who think alike, you can hang out with, have a conversation with you know. This is big! but I am determined. After all, I am a very helpful and nice person, so why shouldn’t I have similar people in my life.

8. Early to Bed & Early to Rise –  I cannot event say how important this is to me. This will help me achieve so many of my goals, like giving time to Buddhism, health goal coz I can make a healthy breakfast each day and pack lunch and then also some time to connect with family. Also 1 thing I really want to change and achieve this year is my work hours, I want to work on Dutch hours, that means reach office early, say at 8:30am and leave by 5pm. Atleast most of the time, when nothing critical is going on. Also with V and I living together, I will need some time to spend with him in evenings too, coz now my routine is all set around just me and doesn’t matter if I get home at 9pm or 10pm (yes that does happen), but once V is here, I want to manage time better. It may be listed last on my list, but I think it is the first one that I am going to start working on. :)

9. Give time to 1 hobby –  In the past I have always stated that I want to write and it has been on my list of goals each year without me doing anything about it. But this year I will not keep it on goals. I will make time to pursue 1 hobby and I will choose it based on how I feel. keeping it simple and joyous and not like a target to complete, coz that is what hobby should be right?

 

I think it is a pretty impressive list and very much realistic.  In Buddhism I read a quote that said ”make a goal and decide in the beginning that you will succeed and make all efforts with courage and determination”. I loved the part of ‘‘decide in the beginning that you will succeed”.  It says so much, it says positive thinking, it says law of attraction, it says self belief. I love it.

 

And last but not the least, my word for 2015….hmmmm… I think it has to be DEDICATION. It totally says everything I want to achieve this year, which is my BEST in all ways I will think of this word every time I want to remind myself of my goals.

Perfect!!!

 

What are your goals for 2015? and what is your word for the year? Pick one, it is so much fun!!

2015 – Dreams come true!!

I can’t believe I have not posted in such a long time! Well I thought I did, but turns out it was only in my head. lol! Anyhow, life is great! I took a 3 weeks break from work, and just before I went on break I took a certification exam and cleared it with good results. Yay!

Then V was here for Christmas break of 4 days and on the third day my sis arrived here. It was so much fun.

I also left the old house where I was living in shared accommodation and took a temporary place for 20 days, that is because I move to our (my and V’s) new apartment today. :)

Yes, I can’t believe its all happening. I mean I can believe it and am soooo excited. V should have been here by 15th already but some complicated stuff happened with his project and they wanted him for some more time, it was a struggle to keep his position here, but in the end we won! So he will be here on 31st January. :)

I am so excited for us. Living together, being together. Oh my god, I have missed him so much over these 2 years of being apart and this is like the best thing to happen. I am so grateful to everyone who made this possible, the people, the universe and God for making my wishes come true.

I also looked back on my 2014 goal list and here is an update on what I did achieve and what I didn’t:

1. Publish a story/book . – Not Done . Not sure if I want to keep it as a goal this year. I feel like when I want to I will do it, but not sure if I WANT it now. Maybe goal is to get clarity on if I WANT it or NOT?

2. Get washboard abs. – nops. Not done. But my focus is on getting fit. I actually gained some fat around my stomach. Well but I did start learning about weight training, so its not a complete loss.

3. Run a full marathon – Wohoo!! Been there, done that! So proud of myself. There will be another full marathon this year, but its not a goal for the year anymore.

4. Travel all of Europe with family – Yipee Done! that’s the second one to be completed. So so so happy.

5. Stability in Job – I’m gonna say achieved. I sticked to my current job, mended some really tough work relations, build good trust in team and also was appreciated and valued. And to top it I have my position secured for atleast another year (in same project) and pretty sure will get something better and bigger after that.

6. Find peace – I say 50-50. Well, I did find peace in terms that I got my fears. Some major ones actually, of not being able to fulfill my responsibility, I gained confidence that I will do it no matter the situation. Another major unknown fear was of committment, marraige & kids, I am pretty much over it. I love V and want to be with him, it will be nice to have a life together and well kids will happen and we will deal with all that later. I still need to be at peace with some other issues, like people who dont agree with me, I need to learn to take it light and let it go.

7. Shave my head – 50-50 again! I got close to this and cut my hair really short, which I loved. To shave my head, well it was not very practical to be honest. I dont think I really wanted it, it was more like I thought this was a solution to below things, but now I know its not.

a) To get better hair - It needs to be maintained all the time and its not such a big deal to make it a goal. Just will keep working at it like brushing my teeth and other regular maintainence stuff. lol!

b) I want to let go of the superficiality that exists with my looks. – Well, I don’t think this happened. I am still very concious of my looks and thats fine. I need to gain some more confidence in my body though and mostly exercise does that for me so I think Im ok.

8. Find compassion within myself, towards myself and towards others.  – Not Done. this was a major disaster. I’ve shown compassion on some level but I think the count where I have been lashing out has been more in terms of people and duration. I need to learn to deal with negative emotions with compassion. It is so so important for my peace and growth.

 

In all 2014 it was a pretty good year!! And 2015 will be the BEST!!!

 

Comping up in next post: What I will do in 2015 and how its going to be the BEST! :)

Betrayal

It’s a feeling of someone leaving you alone in a battle, in the middle of a desert, of leaving you on your own without any warning or reminder.

I have felt betrayed too many times and mostly by friends. But to think of it why does it feel so harsh to me, even the smallest of things, mostly the small things. A friend not turning up when she promised and knew I was counting on it, a boyfriend telling me I am being mean when I say unfriendly words about those who are troubling me, a mother asking me too many questions about how the other girl in my house is and how she is doing, more than she asks about me, a mother enjoying the evening tea with the other girls in the house while I am at work slogging my ass so I can keep the job that brings money to support her.

I feel betrayed each time my feelings are hurt, each time I feel I am  not supported or cared about, each and every time when someone else is given the attention and love that I deserve.

Am I being too sensitive? If I think of it now, I cannot be true to a relation with all my heart and emotions and yet not be sensitive about these things. It feels bad. Probably because its worth a lot to me.

Is it normal to feel so hurt? Always? every single time?

When someone is not able to be there for me or care for me, why do I take it as something flawed in our relation? Maybe I blame myself for not being good enough that the other person would take time and care for my feelings. But it is not true I know! I care for people and make them happy. I keep my promises, I keep special place for important people.

Maybe that is what I do wrong. treat the people I feel close to more specially and lovingly. But how could I not?

Is my expecting love and care and importance in their life such a big deal! Is it wrong?

I feel hurt today again! Its the boyfriend this time. Yes I did bitch about the housemates because they were troubling me with petty things… Yes I said mean words about them, but I need to express my anger, he should know this by now and if he is going to judge me on this then it is not something that  makes me comfortable. I am not saying agree to all I say, but atleast understand the situation I am in and where this anger is coming from. Instead he said I am being bad. The immediate feeling I got was he was not on my side.

I get this from my mom, when someone opposes me, I think they are taking the other side, the opposite to me side.

It is one thing to correct me but another to make me feel like a bad person. Yes I will vent when I am angry and I was say mean things. If I am so bad then leave me. I can live alone. I will survive.

It may not be logical but these emotions hit me so hard, the make me question eveything in the relationship to the point of questioning if continuing this relationship is worth or not.

Betrayal comes with hurt and pain to me, and even worse is my power to heal the wound is becoming less and less.

I will chant to know the answers. I will chant to know why I feel so hurt. Why I suffer the pain from someone else’s actions?

So many good things

I am really excited! So many good things are happening. V is moving to Netherlands and we will live together! OMG! This was the plan and wish all along. Although I had mentally prepared myself to move to Norway and it was all in talks and I gave a final date to my employer too, but they were so insisting on keeping me here, that they asked if we bring V here will you stay? I said yes! Somehow I had this intuition that we will live together here.

And now next week V will start the visa process. I can’ t tell how exciting this is. I have chanted so much for this, prayed for this since I came here and now after 1 and half year we will live together.

I can’t wait to live with him. I miss him so much and to be able to see him everyday that will be sooo nice.

It makes me realize how much we want to be with each other, leaving our jobs(in a way), figuring how to be together. It does count a lot! I don’t give it much thought but we are pretty serious and in it for good.

Although the thought of marriage is still not comfortable to me and there is a lot of pressure from my mom, but I am not ready. When I will be I will be.

I am excited and praying everything goes well and Jan2015, we will move in together. Awww!! The thought itself is so nice I can’t stop smiling.

It will be a new phase and I have already started dreaming of it. No, literally! Yesterday I was dreaming about what kind of house we will take.

Cheers to hopes and dreams! If you truly want and it work towards it they do come true. :)

Buddhism

I was feeling so low yesterday. The move thing is taking a toll on my nerves and broke down into tears in office 2 times. Its just that if this doesn’t work out then I don’t know what next. And this is a problem coz so many thing are dependent on this, especially my responsibilities. I felt guilty, fear and then more fear.

But I know fear is an illusion. We have to ready for everything that life bring and at the same time be hopeful and courageous for our dreams and desires.

I felt the need to chant. I went to chant with a young women member and it was so nice. Chanting in front of the scroll made me feel strong and realize I have fought so much with so much courage and now I need to use the same strength within me and fight this situation. I also realized I will become a member, right now I chant to a blank wall, but once you are a member you get the scroll with Japanese inscription on it and you can chant to it. This is a big step, because you accept it for life. Through all your high’s and low’s. It’s there with you and you can’t ignore it or anything. It’s a life saver but also a responsibility to yourself to take care of it. I was being pushed to take it when my mom was here, but I didn’t feel like it, it didn’t come from my heart, so I didn’t.

But now I feel I want to take it. It’s a good practice, it makes you a better person, helps you meet and get inspired from other people. So Why not!

I also realized I have to solve my difference with my former friend P. It is not nice to have this negative vibe around. I was suggested to chant to be in higher life state before I talk to her, that way I will be able to be compassionate even though I feel hurt by her.

Another great thing came from the chanting and meeting this member is, she suggested I keep a goal I want to achieve before I receive the scroll, which is perfect, because going to Oslo and live with V working out is one of the biggest challenge I am facing now, and this is the perfect goal to chant for before I get the scroll. It’s almost as big a challenge as big the decision to take the scroll.

I think I will be practicing Buddhist after I receive the scroll. And that is planned for 2nd Sunday of October.

Birthday, Vacation and other Big decisions!

I celebrated my 29th birthday in Italy! Isn’t that amazing! To me it was. We has a 4 days Italy vacation and oh it was so nice.The last time I visited Italy was with mom and brother and I definitely felt like I wanted to come again, with V especially. And we were there. So another wish come true. :)

We went to Rome, Florence and Pisa. It was a nice trip. A nice birthday. Except we ended the trip with an argument. Well, I think it’s ok if we have different opinions and I know I like to discuss things out, even if we dont agree. But V does not. He keeps his thoughts and opinions to himself and he expects me to do the same. It was something about his sister and brother-in-law and he got so offended. He later told I should not interfere or if I dont agree with something I should not say it again and again. Well, if the same topic comes, I will say it. I am not a stupid mindless person, I have a thought process and I am free to express myself. I don’t know why V thinks its a personal attack.

Well, we didn’t talk much after dinner on the last day and quietly went to bed. Woke up early ran to catch our bus to airport, different ones and that was that.

I spoke to him yesterday about it, he said I get too aggressive and try to push him to make a change, I never do! I only express how I feel and maybe yes I am a bit aggressive about it. Anyways! He also said that he never interferes when I share something about my family, well if saying how you feel about it is interfering then damn well he should do it. I don’t know. Something put me so off about this whole thing. He doesn’t share about his family much and I share every single bit.

I am moving in with him and leaving my job and comfort here. I don’t want to doubt my decision but if he is not as involved as I am then is it worth it?

Well, the thing is he is very good with me, just me and him. But as soon as his family or other people come into picture he becomes this person who I don’t know very well.

It seems like we are talking about more serious stuff now or maybe getting involved a lot more than just fun. That is the idea to move in and stay together right.

Just that I keep feeling a hitch that what if it isn’t everything I want it to be. Sometimes I feel he is very away, not selfish, but makes his decisions based on his thoughts without me in consideration.

I have been here before, involved with a guy, molding my life to be with him, putting too much of myself into it, and then if it isn’t everything I want, it a shatter.

I need to be careful. We are good. Very good. But I need to keep my interests in mind. The job change is a big risk for me. And that is as far as I will go. I will not compromise my career or responsibilities. I need to remember this.

Well… its too much to think about. But then I can’t wait to live with V. I’m hoping all turns out well.

Also my moving date may go ahead to mid Nov, but that is alright.

Pray for me!

Decision has been made…I am moving!

Finally! I spoke to my office guys and said I want to leave in Oct end. What I didn’t tell him was that there is a offer in Norway. I told him I’m settling down and need to go. Obviously he told me this is too soon and cannot happen. I told him I might have to leave. He was pretty pressed that we need more time atleast till end of year. I was like I can only try but it may be that that cannot happen.

OMG! I can’t believe it is going to happen. I am moving!

Well, he hasn’t given a definitive YES and nothing is on paper, but, but I feel pretty good about it. He said they need time to identify a person, get the customer to agree, get the visa done. I said what if we find someone here? Well that would be the lucky case he said. I said I can transition to my best capability and get the person on board and ready.

He said there are lot of assumptions here and we need to see and speak to my team head, who is back on Monday.

I asked around and I have already found a person who is going back and I told him to get his stay extended for 1 month and in that 1 month I can get him up to speed here.

Wow! I can’t believe it is working out! I chanted for this. I am sooo happy!

I have a feeling it is going to work out.

Monday I will tell them that I cant extend longer than Oct end and I have found a person who is here and I can start transitioning asap.

Cross my fingers it all works out as I want!! I know it will … but still pray for me.


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