My experiences in this new phase of my life

looking for love

I have enjoyed being single and having my freedom and time. Now I miss being with someone, sharing my thoughts, being admired and adoring someone. Having a crush, feeling loved and also looking forward to be with someone.

I miss being in a relationship.

I met someone last weekend. It was from the matrimony site and man it was a disaster, firstly he was cross eyed, ok, so I dont mean to be mean but he could have said something about this. This is cheating. To put a picture where you see straight and then it is looking london going tokyo when you meet them. It was hilarious and stupid. Then he is timid and short and so not my type.

I am tired of trying to be nice and for someone to like me. I mean even with this guy I waited until he told me no it was a good match. As if i dont know that already. Haha.

But now I do want to be with someone and not just anyone, but someone nice and decent and cute. I have to also focus on my career and health and get back in top shape coz that is when I feel the best.

I start training today (although has 2 beers this afternoon) and this is the beginning of my best best body.

I want to chant for the partner that is best for me. I have an image in my mind but that does not mean its the best person for me.

So someone who works out, has an open and learning mind, a caring and loving heart. Someone who makes me wanna better person and who loves me like crazy.

I know he is here somewhere. So cmon…come out where ever you are.ūüôā Coz Im ready to meet you .

 

 

Is it me then?

Sometimes you know what is right and wrong, it is all black and white and then others dont understand it, they dont get why it is so important or clear to you.

I guess what I am trying to say is that when you feel like only you get what you feel and no one else gets it. It makes you doubt whether you are even right or not? Are you thoughts too self occupied ? are you not looking at what others are? are you being too selfish while others are more grouped?

I hate that kind of doubt, it makes me feel small and alone. It makes me doubt every single thing I am proud of knowing and believing and basing my life upon. It feels like an earthquake shaking the foundation of your beliefs.

The anger has always been my worst enemy, in this anger I have hurt people and said things I didnt mean. Words cut sharper than swords I know.

But somehow things go spiraling once it starts, I keep going on and on, saying stuff, being mean and angrier and angrier.

Since my sister is here that has happened twice to me and I hate it. I have expectations that people will behave a certain way because they treasure me and then they dont and I feel completely useless and non worthy. I know she is my sister but then why does she not side with me when someone insults me. Why is she such a people pleasing person and wants to be nice to everyone even those whom I dont like.

I dont get it. That is her nature. But it speaks unloyal to me.

I have done this in the past so many times, I place these boundations on people that if you are my friend you would do so and so. It is not right. Why do I have to do this. People should feel free to act as they want and not feel pressured to be a certain way only because I want. It is these expectations. Am I that insecure in myself that I need other people to act certain way to give me surety that they are with me? Is this how menial a person I am? Is this how my life  will always be? making friends and loosing them because I feel disappointed?

How do you get over feeling disappointed with people and continue to be friends and sisters ?

Maybe my sister is right, I am just a mean person who will always be alone because I dont have concern about people’s feelings. I cant believe it but maybe that is who I am, a loner, a mean person who can only have people in their life for sometime before I screw it all up.

I also miss V when all this happened. I wanted to ask him if I was same with him. Inconsiderate and mean as hell. I will ask him even though I should not. To change something you need to believe it completely and I need to know.

It is nice that I thrive to be a better person, but the ugliness that surfaces from within me is not pleasant to deal with.

The thought that I am not good enough to be around anyone is so hurtful and I am almost in tears writing this. But what if this is true? I will stay alone always.. all my life, because I am too adamant and stubborn and mean an harsh in my words.

It is scary thought that no one will ever love me for who I am. And I will never have anyone by my side.

A new start

I am so excited and happy, I have achieved my goal to get a new job in Holland and leave my current job. Well technically I have not left yet, the month end is my last day and 1st of next month I start at new place.

I can’t tell how much relief I feel. It has been on my list for so long and I was so stressed if I can get it or not. But I did.

I hope to give 200% at my new job, as the position is bit senior than what I am used to also, but I will give it everything I have. I will also work on things that I know I am not good as, such as people relations and being neutral and not taking everything personally.

I also had a chat with my ex, after I heard about his engagement I was so sad, I was not even able to rejoice on my new job, then I knew I had to ask him these questions that were running in my head and making me crazy.

Was he in love with her?

Has he forgotten me completely?

Does he ever think about me?

I asked him and he answered honestly. Turns out he too has questions for me.

Do you think we made right decision to break up?

Do you think it was only my fault?

And the question that gave me my freedom back was Can you ever forgive me?

I did forgive him. I gave him all the pictures of us together as I could not bring myself to delete them. I didn’t meet him but getting that apology set me free.

For so long I felt like he did so much wrong and never apologized. I also asked him why was he asking for an apology and he said because he hurt me much more than I hurt him. I think my acceptance also set him free.

I felt like a burden was lift off from me. I didn’t have to hate him anymore. I didn’t have to think about him anymore. I do still have love and affection for him but that is for me to keep and I don’t want anything more. I wished him luck for his life and told him I would leave too. He was happy for me.

So many things happen, but somehow the things that you cannot explain bring the biggest happiness to you.

This blog has been a witness to so much in my life. It amazes me. I have truly shared every new phase of my life for past so many years here and now I start again with a new chapter.

Change is the only constant!  And Im glad I have been documenting it all here. Coz someday I will read all of this and it will be such a beautiful memoir to me.

 

Good day everyone!

 

 

When he moves on and you need more time…

My ex got engaged. The day I got to know about it I cried a little. Not a lot, but a little. I got to know because I usually cyber stalk him and check his facebook etc, and then I have blocked him from my list so I check it from some other name. Wen i saw all the congratulations on his picture in a suit I knew what it was. I have been expecting it for a long time now and waiting for the blow.

It hurts like crap. I hurts to see someone who loved you, love someone else. You loved so deeply and they have forgotten that love. My friend told me that when you give someone you heart, you never quite get it all back,a little piece remains with them. It is true I guess.

I have not seen any picture of them together yet. I want to congratulate him and see his face, only to see if he has some feeling left or not. I know I shouldn’t do it. Why am I waiting for him to come back when I dont even want what he has to offer.

I miss him. That is true though. I miss our cute talks and funny moments and our kisses. I miss it and think of it.

Then I thought how he must be sharing all this with his fiance now. And if hurts even more. To think I am replaced in his life.

He never acknowledged our relationship as openly as he is with her. of course they are committing to a lifetime together. But we had 3 years and he never did anything and i didnt either.

Well there is no point in all this. I made a choice and I dont regret that, but the pain stays.

The good part is I am moving away, I  got new job so I dont have to see him, or sense his being around me, I have to start a new life and forget him.

Its the only way the pain will go away.

It has started

There has been a goal on my list for long now and that is coming to reality. I am super excited and nervous at the same time. I am not going to mention what it is just yet. In some more time please.

When you have talked about something for a long time and also thought about it and talked more and thought more….. you get it right? And then when it started to come to reality before you, you kind of start thinking why did you want it, are you sure about it, how big a change will this bring and how you will adapt to this?

These are good feelings and good thoughts I guess.

Yesterday I lay in bed at night not able to sleep, I kept thinking about how permanent this change is and so many other decisions become default or obsolete by just this one decision.

Maybe I am talking in vague terms , please bear with me for a few more days until I tell it all.ūüôā

Being nervous is nice I feel, it shows you are not overconfident and are excited. It reflects you are eager and will make an effort to get to be 100% confident. It makes me feel like a small kid who is venturing into something new. It has an innocence to it. Something that makes me think that I am so grown up to take such life changing decisions? And that thought makes me smile, because I know I am but also that my heart is still young to think like this.

I am very excited and there are a few things to be sorted also, but I will sail smoothly through all of it I am sure.

 

Can’t wait to tell more!! But I will wait.ūüôā

Fears & law of attraction

I subscribe to the notes from TUT.com, which basically sends an email everyday with subject ”A note from the Universe” and a thought / phrase for you.¬†Its amazing¬†how some¬†messages are right at point to my thoughts on that day. Like today my message was:

”¬†Avoiding something, draws it ever near.

Defending yourself can become a full time job.

And worrying about things that might never happen increases their chances of happening.”

I think that is so true. So true to law of attraction and where we focus our energy. Also it is aligned with Bhagvat Gita (It  is a 700-verse Hindu scripture in Sanskrit that is part of the Hindu epic Mahabharata) , where one of the verses says Рworrying is same as dying. It is all about energy, your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, your words Рit is all energy. And being aware of where we put most of our energy is such an amazing revelation. It suddenly makes the blur picture clear, shows you exactly why the things around you are the way they are, coz you focused your energy on it.

I started about thinking about what are my fears and how often they play in my head and I spend energy on them. Especially about relationship and love. Ever since the breakup I have spent so much energy on criticizing and all negatives about Indian men and men in general too.

Its difficult but I want to put it out there, just so I can stop wasting energy on these fears:

My body РI always fear men will not like me, love me, because I dont have the perfect body. It says more about my self body image. I dont like the way I look and I feel others will also not. My fear is about being fat and not looking good. And of course that responds to not feeling good.  РI need to redirect this energy on my fitness goals and progressing to be strong and lead a healthy lifestyle. And love my body. However it is at the moment, it has been my vehicle in this lifetime and been so strong and accommodating. I should appreciate it.

My lack of compassion – I am quite blunt and say what I feel ¬†right to people’s face. This is something I feel makes me so rude and lacks compassion. I feel I dont have enough compassion to take care of anything, a relationship, a kid, a friendship. I feel I dont have the patience and kind of run away from being there for someone. I know it sounds silly, but basically I get very anxious when someone starts relying on me for such support. I feel burdened almost. Its one of the reasons I think ¬†I dont want children, coz I dont think I can be so compassionate and patient with anyone. In back of my mind I keep thinking I am going to loose my cool at some point and spoil everything.¬†– It’s not fair that I stop myself by all these thoughts. I am limiting my potential and questioning my capability to open my heart. The anxiety gets the worst out of me. But even before something happens I run out of it, or spoil it. I need to relax more at those anxious moments and not think too far ahead. Like now I want to start dating and I already started thinking about whether it can work with a person from a different culture or not, but I have not even met anyone yet. So Im stopping myself from even exploring the possibility.

Love –¬†I fear love. I fear heartbreak. I fear I wont be able to love completely and unconditionally. I feel I am too selfish for that. Too self centered. –¬†I need to let this thought go. It is not helpful at all. It makes me feel like I am a bad person. Loving yourself is the first thing you should do, but it does not mean I cant love someone else. I need to allow myself to not repeat this to me ever and instead every time I doubt it, I should say ”I am such a loving and giving person”.

Failure to complete- I think many people may have this. But for me it does not mean I am not confident in starting something new, but more of the thought when I am in middle of it, then if I can complete it or not. –I need to think if I am confident to start that means I am confident to end it too.¬†

I will try to be more aware of my thoughts and energy flow now and every time I catch myself thinking of the un-happened and worrying, I will think of this.

Life is so long and short at same time. Long because we may live for years and years and as we grow older, things that were so important become petty and not bothering us, but short because we can never be sure if we will live another day, and maybe this is your last day.

Living with happy thoughts is how I want to go, whenever I go.

Love

Something strange has been going on with me and all these thoughts about V. I had seen him after a long time and it just screws with my mind and heart, and that I feel sad about. How can you allow someone who broke your heart and whom you willingly decided to make your past, still affect your present.

Anyways, I came to office this morning and randomly check if he was on the office messenger (did this randomly but quite often since last week)  Рhe was not. 

He is never late to work, so I checked his calendar (cannot see content but just availability) and guess what, he has today and entire of next week off and returning the week after on monday. I instantly knew what this meant! He is going to India! To meet prospective brides and if he likes someone also get engaged.

How do I know this?

Well, when we had met for lunch once, this is what he had told me, that he will go home once in June / July to meet some girls. I thought he was bragging. But he is really gone.

I dont know what I am sad about, that he is over me, or he is moving on before me.

Then sitting on the toilet seat and peeing (didn’t have to mention it, but the randomness of where these thoughts come to me if weird) I thought about how it will be for him, there, in India, meeting girls, liking someone, getting engaged, his family all happy and blessing them. Soon they get married have children and become happy and responsible parents. V will be a great father, very responsible and always doing the right thing. I used to like that about him. I felt so heartbroken that I will not be with him. Then I felt a relief that I am not that girl.

There is nothing wrong with all that, but I don’t think¬†I have it in me to be a mom, no really I dont. I cannot imagine being responsible for someone else and that too a tiny baby and then nurture them to be good person. I am struggling mostly with all these negatives in me how can I make positive impact on a little one.

Apart from my insecurities I also feel I dont have enough room in my heart to accommodate all these blessing and love. I dont. I can only love 1 or 2 persons apart from my family. I lack compassion and acceptance. I really do.

The other thing is that I liked V because he was a simple guy, I always go for the simple guys, they are honest and truthful and loyal. There is no question on trust and absolute complete secure feeling. But what I have found to be hard is that simple people with simple thinking are also sometimes not open to learning the new. They cannot accept any other situation or reaction apart from their own ”simple beliefs”. They stick to what they know and keep going on, anything deviating from that is complete and utter nonsense to them. Well it may not be the case for all, but I have seen few and that is my observation.

I am all about the new. I resist the know and ”always has been”. ¬†I like to think and comprehend and then come to my conclusion, even if it is the same as the ”always has been”. It has to be something I find is right for me and not just passed on by what others think.

Then while I was in gym I felt like I have to let him go from my heart. I need to continue on this self and new journey that I have chosen. I  have to keep moving forward. Make new changes and embrace them.

It funny how sometimes it is so hard to accept the end of love and sometimes it seems so easy to believe in hope of new love.

Even the thought of someone new and talking to them or getting to know them, makes me tired and sad. My heart is not healed completely. I know. I am swinging between these thoughts and emotions. And maybe, just maybe his absence for a week, the distance between us for a week, the knowing of him not being in proximity, will allow me to heal some more and maybe faster.

 

I need to heal!