My experiences in this new phase of my life

Relationship with my mom

While I am so grateful to have a strong and determined person as a mother, who has fought through so much difficulty in life and also brought us to where we stand now, seriously we could have not done anything if it was not for her, but still I have a very weird relationship with my mom. I love her and she loves me too. But I think she puts so much pressure on me, knowingly or unknowingly, that it stresses me out to be around her. She has struggled a lot for us, and I guess she is eager to see the results, and not just ok results, but fabulous amazing results, like me becoming a millionaire or marrying one or buying a beautiful big house etc etc. Her expectations are so high, it makes me very defensive. I dont like to hear her commnets, I dont like to hear what I should do or even answer her million questions on what is what and how i do stuff etc etc.

The worst part is, she can never keep anything to  herself, she goes and blurs it out to her sisters, which i absolutely hate. I am quite a private person, there are things i like to share and things i dont, and she has absolutely no filtering. She says everything to everyone. I hate it.

Now she is visiting me for 2 months, yeah its a lot, and when you are used to being on your own then it is absolutely too much, but I want to not be stressed and also not be rude with her, which i do get once she starts to offend me by asking too many questions, being pally with others and needing attention from others. It is so annoying and so pitiful. Like she needs to talk to others and share all personal information and it is embarrassing as well.

I dont know why but i dont like to talk to her too much, i dont agree with her opinions, i dont like her asking me all the questions i dont want to hear. i guess its just how parents are after certain point, you are an adult and have your own opinion and they need to understand that. she needs to understand my life and priorities and while her old opinions irritate me i need to learn to not take it as a personal attack on me, which i often feel like. I cannot stop talking or being in different room or just run away from her.

This needs to be settled. It is making me so negative and stressed i cannot believe it. I dont think it her all her though, I think it is my disability to deal with her that makes me so negative and stressed.

Right now it giving me more stress than I need. And i need to take responsibility & fix this. Probably chant an hour everyday.

 

 

 

Affection and rejection

How do you recognize affection when it is not in form that you know it?

I have become so sensitive ever since I am with J. I get offended so easily and hurt even easier. He has a very different way show affection, it is loving but he does not like to be cuddled or hugged all the time, he likes to have his space. Every time he pushes me away or rejects my affectionate gesture, it breaks my heart, it pinches me in the gut, I feel so so bad and rejected, almost in tears every time. I know he does not mean that, but to me it is so difficult to not be ok with it. I am trying, but just makes me sad.

I am sure he is also adjusting to my ways and he does not show if he is finding it difficult, but I wish he would. Although he tells me I should not take anything I dont feel ok, not from anyone, and not at all from him & should correct him immediately. But I can’t.

Just because he does not express his emotions, I feel I am so much more in this than him or I am more in love than he is. Is there something like more and less when you are in love?

How do I read his affection when he pushes me away/ How do I tell myself its just his mood and not him not wanting my closeness?

I hope he finds a way to show his affection and accept mine, coz this is now making me suffer, causing me emotional turmoil where I start questioning can I put up with this all my life.

I want to be loved and appreciated! Not feel like a worthless person whom one can hold when in mood and push aside when not in mood. It literally breaks my heart everytime he does that. Maybe it reminds me of the worthlessness my ex made me feel, but it such a negative feeling and is hurting me like stabbing on an open wound again and again.

Either I get thick skinned and forget about being affectionate, but that is not who I am , or he needs to accept my love.

My silly heart and its distresses!

 

 

 

When we change our goals change

I made some goals in the beginning of this year and was very happy about it. Over the last few weeks my mind has been constantly asking me what my goals are, what am I working towards, what do I want to achieve, not just this year but in life. One of the reasons I see why these questions come to me is I have achieved a very big goal, ”paying my brothers tuition fee” and that has brought relief and also a void, as to what is the urgency or next challenge. It could also be because I see some changes in me, I feel more at home with J and thought of having a family / kid have also crossed my mind many times. Its something I told myself I didn’t want ever and now it seems live ”ever” is not the case. Also I have been looking at business successful people and how they made it and somewhere in my heart I know I dont want to be in a 9-5 job forever, or maybe not even for next 5 years.

The most important part if finding out ”what you want”. But that changes as we evolve and if we dont refresh these goals, we keep functioning towards an outdated wishlist while looking eagerly towards what the heart wants now.

So as I sit here in the office, in a secluded corner in a common meeting area, with my laptop facing the wall so no one can see what I am working on and think about what I want, here is what comes to my mind:

  1. I want to be working on something that inspires and makes me happy from the root. Not just the money that it brings but the feeling to create some happiness or hope in the world.
  2. I want to write. A book, a novel, an article, whatever. I want to be part of the magic of words and hopefully it would bring some happiness / joy/hope / positive vibes to someone.
  3. I want to travel the world. reach its corners and see as much as possible.
  4. I want to be fit, live a healthy lifestyle, learn how to make it happen and spread it to everyone.

I dont how all this will come true. But this is what I want from bottom of my heart and how settling down, having a kid, being stable – fits in, i dont know. But it does not seem as distant as it was once, it seems more achievable, but not right now maybe in few years.

 

Adapt & Unlearn

Moving away from home into a  new country in very exciting. It bring new hopes, new opportunities and  so much more to what you have always seen and known. Having said that it also brings  a large amount of scope for you to adapt to the new ways and life, but also at same time overwrite or unlearn things from where you belong.

It does not necessarily mean you change yourself, but you do need to adjust to alter your way of living. It could be the easiest and simplest of things like buying groceries from fresh market vs from a supermarket (in India we always buy fresh), but it does require a shift.

This also becomes more and more prominent when you live away longer, when you start  missing the small happiness moments (for me having tea and samosa with family in evening) & then when you get start a relationship with someone from this new world that you have entered.

Since I have been in relationship with J (already 6 months!!…can you believe it..I can’t) I have constantly been playing a tug war with ‘How I know things should be’ & ‘How they are actually now’. In the beginning it was not not there, it was fun and thats what it meant. But as I grow fonder of him, all these questions on ‘where our future lies ‘ start popping in my mind. He said ‘Its simple, our future is where we want it to be, where it takes us’, but not for me. I need to know if we are going to make it, I need a commitment that this is for good, I want to be your everything and be yours completely. But that does not make sense to him. So I tried to be open, I listened to what he said, I adapted to not panic and give credit to the logic of things. We only know each other 6 months and no matter how much in love we may be right now (I always feel I more in love than him, but then he is not so expressive with words) its too early to jump into a decision we are not sure on. I want commitment, but to get married or engaged seems a bit unrealistic. In India it would feel absolutely ok though. So I am patient. I am unlearning to have these commitment expectations and learning how to build a life with him, while still being on my own. He is an amazing person and that is what I focus on. He loves me and makes me feel safe and secure, even without the tag of being married. This is important to me.

I constantly need to weight what matters and not let my feeling go crazy based on ”how i feel it should be, because that is what i have seen back home ‘, I learn to see logic of situations and give value to what I have and what is real at the moment. I keep the social pressure from relatives and family away, and not let it steer what this relationship should be. It should be loving and nurturing and that is more worthy to me than announcing to the world who he is to me or I to him.

I would love to have that commitment, but in all honesty we are not ready for it. We learn each other a bit more everyday and I would love to spend time with him everyday, but reality is it is not possible at the moment and that I accept too. He makes me happy and I am so grateful to have him in my life, it is all worth the small little shifts it requires me to make. 🙂

Cheers to a new world!

The big questions

I realize I’m an adult when I need to make these important decisions, where I will live, where will I work, how will I spend my money. And then there is more, what contraceptive method do I prefer, do you want kids, do you want to settle in a country where you dont know the language.

Its all so much. I am not ready to answer these big questions. I dont know when I will be.

The fact that I want to live in Amsterdam came from having a safe life than in India. Living in freedom. But I never considered of what all I was willing to give up for this. I am alone here. Irrespective of how many friends, I dont have family here. I know it will pinch me when I need them. Also I am not there for them and that is another big big sacrifice. I also never thought not knowing the language would be such a trouble, until I start looking at the permanent things, like buying a house, having a car and then everything is in local language. Phew! exhausting !

Another thing is any financial or banking business I have in India, I need to rely on my sister to get it done. It is bad that I have to ask her for it, knowing she is super busy with work and supporting my mom.

It all so overwhelming ! I am thinking much ahead and it makes me think is this what I want?

I dont know.

For now leasing a car seems to be biggest struggle for me.

 

Expectations

Buddha said ”expectation is the root cause of all our pain”.

Is that true though, that we cause ourselves pain but setting expectations. If I think of scenarios where I was in pain some where indeed driven by what I wanted and expected and then outcome being different. But some of course are not in our hands, like the pain of losing a loved one.

As my relationship with J evolves I learn that I do keep certain expectations from him, but I am more open to understanding his part as well.We come from different cultures, and while it is all exciting, it also brings its challenges. Something does not feel right, I cant put my finger on it but something is off. We maybe have different definitions of love and for me it means going all in and diving in with my heart and soul, while for him it means something different. He keeps a distance between us and that makes me uncomfortable. A little formal, like not assuming he is always available or will move his plans for me etc.

There was a discussion that my roomie and her to-be-husband will be back after marriage and then I said I can stay at J’s for a week or two. He however thought I needed to ask him first before I made such a statement.

I guess to me, ‘whats mine is yours’ comes naturally and openly because I have only known that, love without boundary, and its not only for him but also for me. Like when I think if he ever wanted to come and stay with me I would be ecstatic and I would make everything possible to make it comfortable for him. He maybe had some bad past experience and hence keeps me a hand distance away. He maybe just protecting himself but it hurts me. It makes me feel I am way more into this than he is, I am way more in love, in deep and way more his, than he is mine.

I don’t know if I can adjust to this limited love. It’s not about me owing him, but I want to be someone’s everything and them to be mine. Its a little worrisome to me that I might walk away if he does not let me in. He loves me yes, but I am expecting him to love me all the way and not just the safe way. I am risking myself too in this and till now he only sees how comfortable I am with everything, because I didn’t show him anything else.

But maybe I need to be honest here as well. While he expects me not to assume things which is right, I need to make him aware of what I expect and he needs to take a step towards me too. Love isn’t easy, it needs work and I know that now. I have kept expectations but not put in the work and bared the scars. I will not repeat the mistakes again and I want it to be clear between us how and what we expect from each other.

”Time will tell how much I love you”

01.01.2018

Hello lovely blog of mine. So here I am on 1st January 2018. Its not a typo, it is on purpose. Its something I do, write the goals as if they are actually achieved, feel the happiness and joy of achieving it and let that energy go into the universe, to reflect back as a reality in your life.

Also my tradition has been to pick a word for the year. My word is ACHIEVE. This year I will achieve everything I have dreamed of and more.No more wishing, its all about achieving this year. Which also means that I ‘give it my all’, 200% , no excuses, no hold backs, no doubts. Everything is here and this is the time. Go all the way.

  1. I received a cheque for 1 million euros. Oh my god! this actually happened.. It was like a dream but real. I did so much with the money, got my mom a home in India, invested for my sister some savings, invested for myself and my brother too. Traveled, opened a business,  and did some charity.
  2. I published my novel and it was huge success. It is an international bestseller and I am so happy. I always knew I have a great writer in me, and I believed in myself and made dedication to work on it and it was so fruitful.I am starting on my second novel  now.
  3. I achieved my dream body, lean & mean. I have 15% body fat and great curves, a flat stomach. Toned muscled and great strength and stamina. I eat well and workout hard. I love my body and respect it.
  4. I have traveled so much this year and so many continents & all sponsored. So not a single penny spent by me.
  5. I started my travel blog and it is such a  huge success.
  6. I figured what I wanted to do in my life and am doing that everyday.
  7. I have a great partner. I love him and learn so much from him. He makes me wanna be better and is so supportive.I am so happy to have him in my life. He makes me feel secure and safe and is crazy about me. I love him so much.
  8. I challenged myself to be a leader in SGI and became one. It feels so nice to be able to help and bring new people.
  9. I feel I have grown so much as a person. Also made more amazing friends this year.

A year of Achievement for me it truly has been. 🙂