My experiences in this new phase of my life

Post break up Phase

I realized a few days ago that I am still in post break up phase, meaning I have broken up and cried my eyes out, been angry, avoided the topic completely and then realized this is what it is. I am healing, slowly for sure, but I am getting there.

While I was talking to a few men from the matrimony sites, I felt so anxious, to feel accepted, wanted, so no one leaves me and I realized I am only trying to fill up that void, not giving myself the space to be on my own, yearning for someone to be there, but I need to be with myself, relax, accept, and move on. Without anyone else being around, learn to be with myself before I can be with anyone else, love myself before I can love anyone else, let away the fear that I am not good enough and how V left me. He did leave, but it was not me, it was his life choices that I didn’t agree with and I’m glad I didn’t.

There still is pain, but it fading away slowly now.

Another strange thing happened, ever since V left for India, I have been checking / stalking him on FB and watsapp, trying to see what he is upto, but he disabled his FB account, that was sad to see, it meant he was still hurting or not ok in someway. Funny thing right, how FB account has so much to show your state of mind and heart. Anyways irrelevant of the fact that I could not find him I kept checking again and again and earlier this week I saw he enabled his account and changed his picture. He looked smart and happy. I was so happy to see him back on FB. It meant he was doing better. He is ok now. And that gave me a sense of relief. Strange.

I still care for him. After everything. And now I realize how people can be in love with someone who does not reciprocate their feelings. I understood that.

I stopped talking any of the boys this week, it has made me feel better, comfortable with myself, I need this.

And yesterday my old friend from college, who now lives in USA, suggested a prospective husband for me, one of her childhood friends. I saw the picture and didnt like him that much but I gave go ahead for his parents to talk to my mom. I could not judge by some pictures what or how the guy is, it is worth atleast getting to know someone.

Although everytime I consider a guy, I always compare him to V and sadly none of them have been good looking as him, but then those good looks didnt care for my loving heart, did they? So I am open to someone who will care and love me and never let me go.

 

Never know where life will take us right, all we can do is make decisions with the best intent at heart and listening to our intuitions.

Although with this guy I did not get a good feeling looking at pictures, but I want to be sure I am judging based on first impressions and will listen to my heart when there is some reason enough or conversation between us.

All you lovely people out there… take your time to heal… to accept… to be ready to open your heart again… to love again without any fear of being hurt.

Take your time! :)

 

 

Been a while now

Its been a while since I last posted. I went on vacation for a month to India. It was nice to see family and just be there, without anything to do. It was also nice to help me move on. I got ok with meeting other people and moving forward in life. I also had a fling with my best friend A. This was not intended and I’m not sure why this happened. Maybe it is easier to be with him, before I move to some other person. He always had feelings for me and this time I felt something as well. We didn’t act on it all the way but we did get intimate a little. I don’t regret it. We still are friends and we both know this wasn’t anything serious.

I came back to Amsterdam with such a clear head and then I saw him ”V”. My stomach turned and flipped and I didn’t know what to feel. Anger. Hurt. Love.

It is so strange to see him. I would keep looking out if he is around and be so conscious but at the same time look forward to see him. I just wanted to see him, look at him, without having to look away. And then my colleague and good friend stopped to talk to him, while he was with me, so I had to stop as well. And then I saw him, looked at him and he looked at me too. I don’t know what he felt, but I wanted to be there longer, see him.

I thought this was over. It is over. I am talking to other men for marraige stuff, but when I see him it is still so hard for me to not feel anything. I guess it will happen until we keep appearing in front of each other. He leaves for India tomorrow for 2 weeks.

There is nothing left between us. nothing at all. And yet all these felelings and thoughts. It was like a flashback of so many things. But also about how he hurt me last time, left me. He did leave me, it was not mutual. I should keep that in mind. Maybe that will help not feeling anything.

In the meanwhile I will keep talking to other men  and see how that goes.

 

I am also chanting for courage, courage to leave behind the past and courage to step into the future with an open and healed heart.

 

Lots of love to all of you who are struggling in any way. Keep the faith!

he failed me again

After spending 2 days together, discussing how we want to stay together, what will we have to work on, he said he wants to be with me and will do everything he can to make it happen, then he started to avoid me. He was distant and aloof, went about his normal routine and didnt even want to talk to me. He spoke to me for 15mins and said well i did speak to you.

That does not say love, that says avoidance, regret and doubt.

I dont want that. I wanted the love.

So I asked him clearly what he was thinking and he said he cant do it, he cant go through with doing all the hard work needed for us to be together, to make his mom agree, to make decision to stay outside india, to get his family onboard with it and finally work on plan to get them here too. He said he could not do it.

So I told him to make some new friends who can care for him, coz I cant do that anymore. I cant keep caring for him, running to him when he needs some love, and then hear that I am not worthy enough to go through all the hard work for. He is a coward. Afraid.

He gave away everything we had, just because he is so scared that he wont be able to do all this. It is not an easy road, I agree, but I was willing to support him in each and every way, but that was also not enough for him to find confidence.

I have truly done everything I could. And now I am letting it go.

I created my profile on a matrimony site and have started looking at dating-marriage options. Why not just date? well i want someone who has intention of marrying and settling together. Does not mean I get married tomorrow. I will still take time to get to know people and see our priorities match.

I am not over him. But this will help. And I need to start thinking of my future rather than being hung up on him.

Why couldn’t he have more faith in us, more courage in our love.

I will never understand that.

Time to move on now.

Important to discuss

I spoke to my sister today about V and didnt tell her the whole truth but told her I met him and we talked and how he was open to changing few things, majorly about we live outside India.

But she was not very happy to hear it. She told me to talk more clearly to him about other things and make sure he is not going to repeat the bad behavior he had before. She said I should not jump back to him and see/date other men. Well that ain’t happening! Even if I had broken up with V (which I think technically we have) it would take me a lot of time to forget about him and to move on.

 

She said I should meet him as a friend and talk to him, while also keeping other options open. She said I can do much better than him.

 

I knew she was not going to be super thrilled that I am considering going back to him, but her reaction did take me a while to digest. It also raised some important questions in my mind, which I need to discuss with V before we make anything concrete.

I understand where she is coming from, V did not just break my heart but he has also lost respect and trust from my family. I cant blame him alone for this, as I also created that situation equally, not his reaction, but the situation. She told me if I was willing to live with those people who think so conservatively and adjust with his mom, who ofcourse is quite old in her thoughts.

It got me thinking, and that is good, I really should be careful with what I am getting myself into. So here are some of the most important things I want to discuss (you should too if you’re entering a serious relationship):

  1. Financial independence – why I place this first is because it has a lot to do with my independence and self respect. It should not be taken for granted that I will give up my financial independence and while we will invest in a life together, I will still be incharge of my finances.
  2. Respect – So important. I did feel disrespected before and while V says it was from an act of defence, it was very hurtful. So i want to talk to him clearly about what he thinks about me and if he actually respects me as a person.
  3. Where we live – this has been the breaking point for us before and I want to make sure we are on same page now. I dont want to go back to India, so we stay here 4-5 years and then decide where we want to settle, but it will still not be India.
  4. Taking a stand – he very clearly needs to start speaking up to his family, especially his mother. Not disrespecting but talking to her clearly and making his intentions clear. Also he needs to take a stand for us. In our decisions, life, plans, he needs to be clear about what we want (together) and take a stand. Not let them decide on our lives.
  5. I need to be 100% sure on his view of what our roles will be in life together. He knows Im not the cook and clean housewife, but I need to make sure he is not assuming that I will change or do something different later. If so he needs to tell me now.

On my part, I need to give him assurance that I will respect his mother. And even though she may say some old fashioned things that I dont agree with, I will ignore it. And if I have any issues I will talk to V about it and not go head-to-head with her.

Also I have to tell him that I am bending towards having a family, but have not 100% decided. when I will be ready will be upto us together.

But I am very sure on not going back to India and he needs to understand and agree on this.

 

Even if we resolve all these issues, my sister is doubtful, she said I can do better than V. Have a nice life partner and also a good family-in-law. I am doubtful on that. You dont get everything. I know V and he is a nice person. Obviously we have differences but in general he is a good guy. I always said that.

Do I give up our chance to be together for some hopeful wish of meeting someone with a good family ? Somehow that sound true to me, or real to me either.

 

I have to be careful not to fall flat on my face or blind myself to our differences. I chanted this morning for clarity and hopefully it will be all clear soon. And all for good.

What am I doing?

I have no clue….What the hell is going on between me and V. We fought like crazy, we hurt each other, we broke up, we hurt each other again, we missed each other, we talked and now we met and are in love again.

Well to be honest I never stopped loving him and maybe he didnt either, but there was so much anger clouding us and so much hurtful feelings of betrayal, and that was all over the place.

I met him so many times to resolve and talk about our issues, but what we did talk was all our part and our anger and betrayal. we never got around to talking about the actual problem and possible solutions or give it some thought. We just kept blaming and getting more angry and then more hurt.

After the diwali incident he messaged me at night that he was having some disturbed thoughts and I called him. We spoke and talked..actually talked normally after very very long time. We always talked easily before. He was always a good friend. We talked and laughed and cried and it was so relieving, such ease and kind of peace in mind and heart.

 

The next day we ofcourse wanted to meet, he asked if I want to and he did and I did too, so we did and as I had known immediately, we spent next 2 days together. skipped work on Monday and booked hotel, spent all the time with each other. We missed each other so much.We did keep saying we dont know what we are doing and we did talk about if something can be done. But majorly the reason we found was that V had not made his mind about staying here or going back, he was still depending on his mom for that decision. I told him he has to think and see what will make him happy, not me or his mom, but him, where will he be happy. He said he will think. Also talk at home when he goes to India maybe.

 

The entire 2 days I kept whispering myself to not keep any expectations from this,but towards end of 2nd day when we had to go to our separate homes, I did not want to go, to leave him and he very sweetly made me understand that he didnt want to either and he didnt want to ignore me but we had too. And also we both have to think about this.

But I am happy today. To have him back for now, and to see him love me. I told him that after all that hurt and pain if we can still love each other, then there is definitely something to think about. I also liked that he agreed to his fault that him not telling his mom about our relationship and understanding how that made me feel at that moment and how i reacted. It was nice to get some benefit of doubt. I also told that some things I just said out of spite, like I would not have gone ahead with our relationship had I met his mom before. But that is not true. I love him and that is what I would have gone with.

 

About kids, I am finally coming around to the idea of having babies. Its so weird to even say it, but ofcourse to have a family and take care of them will be something nice. To make a nice life together.

 

If we can figure out somethings, then it may be good. But we have to work on this, it will not be so easy. I have to also keep in mind what I have learned from our experience of living together. I need to be true to myself and not do things to make him happy. I still need to meet friends and do things I like.

About his thoughts on how wife should be and all, we need to talk. He knows I am independent but he should not take for granted that I will go with every of his decision. It has to be both of us to make decision and ofcourse some adjustments are always needed from both ends.

 

We will see where this goes.

 

Focus on things Im grateful for

On a difficult day like today, when the not so good things haunt me and V’s harsh words ring in my ears, I will try to focus on the good things in my life, the things I am grateful for, that have been my support system and helped me stand up and keep going even in rough days.

Firstly and most foremost, I am grateful for my mother, for her strength and bravery. She has always been so strong and it inspires me. If she could get through her life situations and still be happy and free spirited woman full of life and passion, then my worries seem like the size of an ant. I am her daughter and I am proud to say that. She is a blessing in my life and a source of strength.

I am very very grateful to have my sister in my life, she is always supportive, never judges me, she is the most compassionate person I know and I aspire to have some bit of her compassion if I can. She loves life and knows how to enjoy life in the moment. Careless or carefree…she enjoys herself and makes everyone around her too. She has listened to my endless blabbers and nods her head patiently and is soo supportive. Even when I do mistakes she does not judge me and stands by me and helps me think clearly.

My sweet brother – He is the kind and shy kid. It was so nice to have a baby brother to play with. I am very grateful that I have him in my life, I realize how you feel care and worry for younger loved ones, that I feel for him. He also very brave and strong mentally.

My friend A – We know each other since after college and he was such a good friend. Helping always supporting. He is such a giving person and does not have any expectations in return. So much fun to be around. I cannot even imagine being there for someone like he did for me.

My friend N – I met him at work here in NL and while I was lonely and alone (V was not here) and terrible with my housemates, he introduced me to his friends, whom now I also call my friends. I was so grateful to be out with people who are nice and fun and without him I wouldn’t have had that. I hope I can help someone like that.

S – She introduced me to Buddhism and I will be grateful to her for that. I was in distress and didn’t know what to do. She guided me to find peace, to change my perspective. She is still the person I talk to when I want to talk something out of my system and I know she will give her honest unbiased opinion. I have started helping other to learn Buddhism and hopefully can support them.

My friend R – he is much older than me, but such a great friend. He has been a listener to all my rambling about the break up and that has helped me also see clearly about what I am actually talking about. I look forward to his company at work and when Im in difficult situation he and his wife always show support. Such lovely people, opening up to a stranger from another land with different way of thinking. It is so nice of them to open their hearts towards me. I wish I can be there for someone also with such openness even though  I dont get their culture/perspective.

There are so many Blessing in my life. I am so happy I wrote about it. It makes it more clear about how much love and suppport and care I have in my life, so even when I loose 1 person, I still have so many wonderful people here for me. I am truly blessed.

trying to Move on

A few hours ago I just had an emotional breakdown, that too at work! It was Diwali yesterday and I wore saree at work, went especially downstairs so V would see me. He did. And later he pinged I looked beautiful. I don’t what I expected to come out of this entire ”look beautiful and let him see me” thing. He didn’t say anything after that I well, I …I dont know what.

Last evening I had some friends over for dinner and it was fun. I think why I planned it was so I am not alone, if if the housemates are there, it would still feel alone. So maybe I drowned myself in the whole dinner and surround myself with people, so I dont miss him.

But today I miss him. So bad. It would have been our first diwali together if we were together. Start of a new tradition to celebrate together. But its not. We are not together.

I pinged him at work this morning and he said I should leave him alone and he does not need anyone. It broke my broken heart, and it hurt again.

I dont know why I do this, msg him, ping him. I know I dont want to go back to him and settle for all the things he wants, but I miss his company, the togetherness, having a partner, his presence, his love.

I literally see images of past in flashes, like they show in movies, No kidding! I didn’t know that actually happens. But it does to me. My mind brings memories back in images of us together, at the house, at a trip, him kissing my forehead, us holding hands.

Sometimes I take the blame for all the pain, for why did I put myself so out there in this relationship, why did I dive so deep that I am gasping for breath. But maybe he feels the same.

I know it is over, but I have not moved on yet. It will take some more time.

Why I broke down? Well, to see him that way, so aloof and trying to keep me away, I know he is hurting too, and I know for now he thinks I broke us up, I was selfish to tear apart our love. It hurts to see him hurt and I cant even reach over and hug him. I so want to.

It was painful that I am starting to wonder if I am person who threw away everything we had. Did I loose it all?

Sometimes rational thinking does not cure your heartache. You mind blocks every reason and the only thing that exists in the moment is the absence of what you had and have no more.

It was that moment.

I have to stop from messaging him at work, I have to. I have deleted his contact number, but we will be on office chat and there is the path open to communicate. But I need to stop myself as all it does is cause pain, to both of us.

I am praying time heals us and we learn how to move on, however impossible it may right now!


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