My experiences in this new phase of my life

When he moves on and you need more time…

My ex got engaged. The day I got to know about it I cried a little. Not a lot, but a little. I got to know because I usually cyber stalk him and check his facebook etc, and then I have blocked him from my list so I check it from some other name. Wen i saw all the congratulations on his picture in a suit I knew what it was. I have been expecting it for a long time now and waiting for the blow.

It hurts like crap. I hurts to see someone who loved you, love someone else. You loved so deeply and they have forgotten that love. My friend told me that when you give someone you heart, you never quite get it all back,a little piece remains with them. It is true I guess.

I have not seen any picture of them together yet. I want to congratulate him and see his face, only to see if he has some feeling left or not. I know I shouldn’t do it. Why am I waiting for him to come back when I dont even want what he has to offer.

I miss him. That is true though. I miss our cute talks and funny moments and our kisses. I miss it and think of it.

Then I thought how he must be sharing all this with his fiance now. And if hurts even more. To think I am replaced in his life.

He never acknowledged our relationship as openly as he is with her. of course they are committing to a lifetime together. But we had 3 years and he never did anything and i didnt either.

Well there is no point in all this. I made a choice and I dont regret that, but the pain stays.

The good part is I am moving away, I  got new job so I dont have to see him, or sense his being around me, I have to start a new life and forget him.

Its the only way the pain will go away.

It has started

There has been a goal on my list for long now and that is coming to reality. I am super excited and nervous at the same time. I am not going to mention what it is just yet. In some more time please.

When you have talked about something for a long time and also thought about it and talked more and thought more….. you get it right? And then when it started to come to reality before you, you kind of start thinking why did you want it, are you sure about it, how big a change will this bring and how you will adapt to this?

These are good feelings and good thoughts I guess.

Yesterday I lay in bed at night not able to sleep, I kept thinking about how permanent this change is and so many other decisions become default or obsolete by just this one decision.

Maybe I am talking in vague terms , please bear with me for a few more days until I tell it all.:)

Being nervous is nice I feel, it shows you are not overconfident and are excited. It reflects you are eager and will make an effort to get to be 100% confident. It makes me feel like a small kid who is venturing into something new. It has an innocence to it. Something that makes me think that I am so grown up to take such life changing decisions? And that thought makes me smile, because I know I am but also that my heart is still young to think like this.

I am very excited and there are a few things to be sorted also, but I will sail smoothly through all of it I am sure.

 

Can’t wait to tell more!! But I will wait.:)

Fears & law of attraction

I subscribe to the notes from TUT.com, which basically sends an email everyday with subject ”A note from the Universe” and a thought / phrase for you. Its amazing how some messages are right at point to my thoughts on that day. Like today my message was:

” Avoiding something, draws it ever near.

Defending yourself can become a full time job.

And worrying about things that might never happen increases their chances of happening.”

I think that is so true. So true to law of attraction and where we focus our energy. Also it is aligned with Bhagvat Gita (It  is a 700-verse Hindu scripture in Sanskrit that is part of the Hindu epic Mahabharata) , where one of the verses says – worrying is same as dying. It is all about energy, your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, your words – it is all energy. And being aware of where we put most of our energy is such an amazing revelation. It suddenly makes the blur picture clear, shows you exactly why the things around you are the way they are, coz you focused your energy on it.

I started about thinking about what are my fears and how often they play in my head and I spend energy on them. Especially about relationship and love. Ever since the breakup I have spent so much energy on criticizing and all negatives about Indian men and men in general too.

Its difficult but I want to put it out there, just so I can stop wasting energy on these fears:

My body – I always fear men will not like me, love me, because I dont have the perfect body. It says more about my self body image. I dont like the way I look and I feel others will also not. My fear is about being fat and not looking good. And of course that responds to not feeling good.  – I need to redirect this energy on my fitness goals and progressing to be strong and lead a healthy lifestyle. And love my body. However it is at the moment, it has been my vehicle in this lifetime and been so strong and accommodating. I should appreciate it.

My lack of compassion – I am quite blunt and say what I feel  right to people’s face. This is something I feel makes me so rude and lacks compassion. I feel I dont have enough compassion to take care of anything, a relationship, a kid, a friendship. I feel I dont have the patience and kind of run away from being there for someone. I know it sounds silly, but basically I get very anxious when someone starts relying on me for such support. I feel burdened almost. Its one of the reasons I think  I dont want children, coz I dont think I can be so compassionate and patient with anyone. In back of my mind I keep thinking I am going to loose my cool at some point and spoil everything. – It’s not fair that I stop myself by all these thoughts. I am limiting my potential and questioning my capability to open my heart. The anxiety gets the worst out of me. But even before something happens I run out of it, or spoil it. I need to relax more at those anxious moments and not think too far ahead. Like now I want to start dating and I already started thinking about whether it can work with a person from a different culture or not, but I have not even met anyone yet. So Im stopping myself from even exploring the possibility.

Love – I fear love. I fear heartbreak. I fear I wont be able to love completely and unconditionally. I feel I am too selfish for that. Too self centered. – I need to let this thought go. It is not helpful at all. It makes me feel like I am a bad person. Loving yourself is the first thing you should do, but it does not mean I cant love someone else. I need to allow myself to not repeat this to me ever and instead every time I doubt it, I should say ”I am such a loving and giving person”.

Failure to complete- I think many people may have this. But for me it does not mean I am not confident in starting something new, but more of the thought when I am in middle of it, then if I can complete it or not. –I need to think if I am confident to start that means I am confident to end it too. 

I will try to be more aware of my thoughts and energy flow now and every time I catch myself thinking of the un-happened and worrying, I will think of this.

Life is so long and short at same time. Long because we may live for years and years and as we grow older, things that were so important become petty and not bothering us, but short because we can never be sure if we will live another day, and maybe this is your last day.

Living with happy thoughts is how I want to go, whenever I go.

Love

Something strange has been going on with me and all these thoughts about V. I had seen him after a long time and it just screws with my mind and heart, and that I feel sad about. How can you allow someone who broke your heart and whom you willingly decided to make your past, still affect your present.

Anyways, I came to office this morning and randomly check if he was on the office messenger (did this randomly but quite often since last week)  – he was not. 

He is never late to work, so I checked his calendar (cannot see content but just availability) and guess what, he has today and entire of next week off and returning the week after on monday. I instantly knew what this meant! He is going to India! To meet prospective brides and if he likes someone also get engaged.

How do I know this?

Well, when we had met for lunch once, this is what he had told me, that he will go home once in June / July to meet some girls. I thought he was bragging. But he is really gone.

I dont know what I am sad about, that he is over me, or he is moving on before me.

Then sitting on the toilet seat and peeing (didn’t have to mention it, but the randomness of where these thoughts come to me if weird) I thought about how it will be for him, there, in India, meeting girls, liking someone, getting engaged, his family all happy and blessing them. Soon they get married have children and become happy and responsible parents. V will be a great father, very responsible and always doing the right thing. I used to like that about him. I felt so heartbroken that I will not be with him. Then I felt a relief that I am not that girl.

There is nothing wrong with all that, but I don’t think I have it in me to be a mom, no really I dont. I cannot imagine being responsible for someone else and that too a tiny baby and then nurture them to be good person. I am struggling mostly with all these negatives in me how can I make positive impact on a little one.

Apart from my insecurities I also feel I dont have enough room in my heart to accommodate all these blessing and love. I dont. I can only love 1 or 2 persons apart from my family. I lack compassion and acceptance. I really do.

The other thing is that I liked V because he was a simple guy, I always go for the simple guys, they are honest and truthful and loyal. There is no question on trust and absolute complete secure feeling. But what I have found to be hard is that simple people with simple thinking are also sometimes not open to learning the new. They cannot accept any other situation or reaction apart from their own ”simple beliefs”. They stick to what they know and keep going on, anything deviating from that is complete and utter nonsense to them. Well it may not be the case for all, but I have seen few and that is my observation.

I am all about the new. I resist the know and ”always has been”.  I like to think and comprehend and then come to my conclusion, even if it is the same as the ”always has been”. It has to be something I find is right for me and not just passed on by what others think.

Then while I was in gym I felt like I have to let him go from my heart. I need to continue on this self and new journey that I have chosen. I  have to keep moving forward. Make new changes and embrace them.

It funny how sometimes it is so hard to accept the end of love and sometimes it seems so easy to believe in hope of new love.

Even the thought of someone new and talking to them or getting to know them, makes me tired and sad. My heart is not healed completely. I know. I am swinging between these thoughts and emotions. And maybe, just maybe his absence for a week, the distance between us for a week, the knowing of him not being in proximity, will allow me to heal some more and maybe faster.

 

I need to heal!

 

Emotions

I’m feeling a little under the weather since I saw V yesterday. It was a full day offsite training at work and he was there too. Among other 50 people, but I saw him, in that proximity, in the same room at times. It impacts me. Its sad. I don’t think I love him or want him back, but I do feel the burden of our past luring over me, weighing down my hope for love in my life, making me realize this /he/us was one of my biggest failure and lesson in life.

The entire day was split into workshops and other stuff, we did that with our teams, so he was not there and then we had breaks and went into common areas and there he was.

It always hits me a day or so later.

It would just be so much easier if he just left for India. I just wish he would leave.

This all made me realized I am not free yet, not totally in my present and that I have to work on. I have to give myself time and come to terms with the present.

These things usually take a lot of time with me and I have to take that time.

So many things to be thankful for in my life and so many things to look forward to, and this string of emotion tugs onto me.

In time I will break free and feel light. I pray. I hope.

And since seeing him stirs these emotions, I will keep away from him, I will not be attending any event where he is, seems silly, but I owe it to myself. I need the wound to heal before I start scratching on the half healed crust of it.

Its sad that this sadness comes back to me. Maybe its just post pms you know. Blah!

Better late than never!

I never wrote my goals for 2016, and I was searching for them. haha. And although half the year is over, I still half left.

SO here they are in a way I always love to write them (like I have achieved them already):

Date: 02-01-2017

I have achieved and grown so much this year. So much has happened and life has shown me so many new paths and surprised me a lot. But more than that I have surprised myself and all in good ways.

  1. I traveled to USA and that too alone, that crosses off 2 things on my bucket list.:)
  2. I did sky diving, it was such a thrill and amazing experience.
  3. I got a job I love and pays me good. I love going to work and give 100% everyday. It is such a nice feeling to do what you love everyday.
  4. I have finally found my balance in health. I got my food habits in control and have a great fitness routine. I love the person and body that reflects in the mirror. And also mentally I am so fit. I started yoga and love it.I also fit into all my previous clothes and intent to keep it that way.
  5. I have found love. I didnt think it was possible anymore after my last relationship, or atleast would take me ages to find a connection. But I did meet someone and I did find love and respect. I am so happy to be with him. I am my own person and also with him. It is perfect balance, I am individual and them with him. And we want the same things in life, making it such a pleasure. He likes to read and travel (like me) and then we have different interests too and we exchange thoughts and learn from each other and grow. It is truly a bliss.
  6. I have bought a house in Amsterdam. It is nice to own something and make it your own. I love my space and makes me feel so grown up.
  7. I listen to news everyday. And am so aware the world around me. No more ignoring it.
  8. I have been practicing Buddhism with such faith and am amazed with it. I have also shaka buku so many people. It brings joy to see I was able to help someone.
  9. I am learning dutch and getting good at it. So proud of myself.
  10. I completed my first novel and submitted it to penguine and they accepted and made a good offer. We are with an editor making progress on completing it.I am an author:)
  11. I traveled to Iceland. It was one of the most beautiful places I have seen.
  12. I finally saved up all of lucky’s fees and don’t need to worry about it anymore.
  13. I have been reading a lot, and that is the hobby I guess from last year’s list that I am pursuing.
  14. I have made some amazing friends. Supportive, fun, caring and always there for me. Finally I feel like I have friends and someone I can be a good friend to them.
  15. I want to write another book on travel.

 

So much done and so much to look forward too. When I look back I see how far I have come and how generous, compassionate & strong my heart has become. I am grateful for each and every struggle as it makes me who I am today. Tomorrow is going to be even better… I know.:)

 

Haunting past

It’s not the past until you have moved ahead from it, but what if you are moving ahead and still there is a haunting image lingering around you, a ghost of the past.

V’s ghost is haunting me a lot lately.

My brother is visiting me for 3 months and we are taking short city trips on weekends and on weekdays I finish work early to spend some time with him. And funny thing is going out with him for simplest of things like coffee or shopping, make me miss V so much. I am constantly reminded of all the things we did together. It is so hurtful.

I was in Champagne region in France and eating at a restaurant, when I saw someone who resembled him a little and I almost was in tears.It is so weird. I made the decision and why do I have these feelings.

I can understand that having a male person around me and doing all things like going to men’s stores for shopping is something which brings back memories with V, its sad but true. And lately I have been surrounding myself with girl friends and doing girly things.

I saw V this morning at work, and it brought some relief to me, which is weird coz just to look at him I feel like its not dead. But it is. Our relationship is over and he has clearly moved on and I want to as well, I want to so badly.

I constantly chant to get over him. But my thoughts keep lingering to our moments of love and care.

Maybe that is what I am missing in my life. The love and care.

Also the question on what I want in my life keeps lingering, especially about children. I dont think I want children. I am not made for that or dont want to be that. But that is so much in the future and no point being troubled by that.

This haunting is not healthy. I sometimes want to see him from a distance, like though a glass door and see what all he does through the day, how is he, is he happy and content, I feel like observing him without him knowing. It is not right I know.

Maybe seeing him do okay will let me be ok. I still care for him you know.

I still have to accept that it didn’t work out and it was a defeat.

I make it such a big deal, a defeat, a failure of my love, of being capable of being loved. It was just 2 persons with different ambitions.

I chant for strength, to fill my heart with self love so I dont feel inadequate without him.

 

How long before I leave these ghosts behind!

 


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