The last 2 years of my life have been the most challenging years of my life. I have been through tough times before , I saw my dad got sick and in and out of hospitals for 2 years before he passed away in pain, I saw my family become broke not having any source of income, I saw my mom having to beg money from her parents to keep us living, I saw my mom sell everything she had to give us an education, I lived alone in foreign countries and went through all troubles alone and scared because I didn’t want to worry my family and had to earn money no matter what for them, I went though terrible break up of the guy lying to me about our future & denying everything in front his mother and marrying a girl of his mother’s choice 3 months after our 3 year relationship. I have gone though years of life alone, not showing any weakness or emotion to my family, so they wont worry.
Yet after all of these hardships, last 2 years were the most difficult, because I considered giving up life itself. I went through a darkness that left me feeling death would be better than living anymore. The only thing that kept me from taking action, the thought of my family when they would know I was gone. I suffered in silence for 2 years only talking to my therapist, I couldnt tell them what I was going through. I lived with my boyfriend/husband who didnt understand or educate himself on depression and called me lazy, just get over it, snap out of it already. I dont know why he decided to marry me & why I said yes. I felt so unlike myself that the thought of anyone wanting me in their life was a glimpse of hope. I made me come out of the darkness. It helped me have hope and think life can be worth living.
And then here I am. 6 months married and pregnant and not wanting to live anymore. Not this life atleast. Not with him. When the fog went away and clarity came in, I saw him for who he really is, a stubborn man who cares more about himself than me. We dont want the same things. We want different lives. Even to a woman who is pregnant and knows will go through the most hard physical experience any human can, he has no empathy, he has concerns for his comfort first. I keep asking if he will take care of me and he says yes, but those words are empty, because the truth is he will not put himself second to anything. He is the most selfish man I know. He does not deserve me. He does not deserve any woman. If a man cannot show empathy and care during such a sensitive time in a woman’s life, he does not deserve to be have a woman at all.
Why did I not see this before. I ignored so much about what and who he is. I brushed away so many differences, core differences. And now what. Am I to take responsibility and get abortion. Is that my fate to take this big decision and live with it forever. Or am I to sacrifice my life into unhappiness with a man who has no care for how hard it is going to be. Can i live being untrue and putting up a fake life? But for whom? why?
I wish I had never gotten pregnant. But then I wouldnt have seen him for what he truly is. Is this GODs way of showing me the truth. Does he want me to act on it.
And so the fairytale of love and life is over… darkness and doubt take over! To have nothing to look forward to……only dread ahead!
New Phase 