So it’s been a weird 2 months for me with lots of ups and downs on my emotions and hopes. Mostly it has been up, but the few downs have got me thinking.
It’s like when you say something has never happened to you and the very next day it happens to you. Same way I said I want to be a better person, but more and more difficult situations come infront of me. I’m trying to be positive and see how I can learn from it, but it is difficult. I am not a people person and this last week has simply reminded me of ‘why I used to stay away from office colleagues. It’s because there is too much at risk, your relationship with team, your image in team, your respect in team and finally your job. If one little bit of anything gets messed up then all of these things get hampered and not to mention your peace of mind will just jump off a cliff.
I came here with a determined mind that I will try my best to keep good terms with my supervisor, I tried and tried but when it came to taking crap all day and still putting up a smile and going to a party, I couldn’t take it. I broke down and my self respect and adamant nature surfaced. It went so bad that I’m suffering much more consequence than what could be balanced for my adamant behavior.
Everything seems so blur right now. But the one thing that is very clear to me is that I will not fail myself. I will continue to put in good work and do the best of my ability even when I can see that it is being ignored on purpose. I will not let anyone else make me less effective or any less than than the best of me.
I know I am right. And I will not work and exist in fear. Regret and fear are just not worth it!
I want to be here and I have some responsibilities that are dependent on my being here, but that doesn’t mean I will bow in front of anyone. I have earned my place and job, I will not anyone influence how I perform.
I will fight and be my best even if I get the worst from others. I believe that any good cannot bring harm to me. So instead of fear and losing self respect, I choose to work hard and be polite and compassionate. But this is challenging because usually when someone is mean to me I tend to get defensive and show that it dosen’t bother me and maybe also some adamant behavior gets displayed, but I will try to be nice and polite.
I will repeat ‘compassion’ to myself, every time I feel that someone is doing wrong to me. I hope it keeps me on track and something good comes out of this experience.
It’s a challenge.. and I ACCEPT IT!
I have faced some problems with dealing with people in the past and it goes back to my school days. It’ s something that I would think that happened to me, like I met the wrong people, but now I’m thinking about trying to be better and change my way of dealing with the situations as well.
One of the things that comes as instant reaction to me is Offense. I get offended very quickly. I need to observe and learn how to not take things personally. Letting things go and moving on.
Another thing is my way of thinking and how negative thinking patterns frame my mind in a particular situation. I want to think positive and not make everything an issue. I want to become easy on my mind and take less stress over small things.
To be the a better person. In every situation that I am, I want to try to be better, react better, feel better and finally handle it and come out of it better. Better than my previous experiences.
I keep repeating to myself that I am a very happy person. I will be good. I am good.
It will take time. But it’s all for a better reason. 🙂
We all have our ways of dealing with anger and while some are extreme and some ignorant, mine sadly seems like self damaging way.
Usually when I have an argument or a fight I say what I want to say, don’t hold back and that leads to being rude and hurtful. But after the confrontation is over my anger stays, I keep it inside, I stop talking to the person, ignoring and keeping them away. It causes me a lot of anxiety and hurt also, coz if the person is close to me I want them to come and resolve this with me because I am to angry to do it.
I have faced this problem lot of times and maybe that is why it keeps happening again and again, because I never learn a lesson from it. I don’t know how to deal with this situation. I still don’t know.
Also I get very personal and feel hurt in this time of repressing my feelings. I start to link these feelings with my worth and value as a person.It’s not healthy I know but I don’t know what else to do.
Something like this happened a few days back and while I am not close or even friends with this person, but we do live in the same house and its kind of growing into this silent big elephant in the room and its uncomfortable as well. I will like to resolve it, but I don’t know how but I know this person does not realize that how inconsiderate she was and she’s not even sorry.
But giving any reaction makes people think that they are important or have the upper hand and to stop talking at all seems like giving too much of reaction.
The thing is I don’t want to talk to this person, she has been rude and mean and has repeatedly done what I requested her not to as it caused me feeling uncomfortable, so why should I even bother to talk. But it is weird to be like this . It is creating fiction and I want to be relaxed when I am home not tensed. But this time I will try to be happy. On my own. Without thinking about how people treat me or whatever.
I’ve been wishing for one thing so badly from even before I came here and now it seems to be starting. Its all too initial to say anything but I am too excited to not write anything.
I just want to thank the God, and universe for listening to me.
I hope I can share soon the thing that I want!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
New Phase 